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“I’m concerned that you don’t seem to have made friends or joined in on any of the activities we do here. In fact, many of our staff say they haven’t spoken more than a word or two to you.”
Why did I have to talk to people? Talking to people meant the possibility of friends. Friends were relationships that had to be maintained, and I didn’t know how to do that. If I tried, I might fail, and if I failed, then they wouldn’t want me to stay.
Why hadn’t anyone told me I had to talk to people to stay? I could have set up a schedule or something like a task list. Was it too late? Would they kick me out? Where would I go? I had a little money in the bank account Master Derek had set up for me but it wouldn’t last long.
Every muscle in my body froze and breathing became impossible. The air felt like it was filled with razor blades as I tried to force oxygen into my lungs. My eyes fluttered wide with panic and I looked around for anything that could help.
No not here! Too many nights I’d woken up alone on the floor after an episode like this. If I passed out in front of him, he’d surely know I was broken.
Master Derek was out of his seat and at my side so quickly he must have teleported. His hands were surprisingly gentle onthe back of my neck as he bent me forward and forced my head toward my knees.
“Shh, River, you’re okay. Just breathe, darlin’.”
His soothing words flowed over me like warm water as the whirlwind that was my mind slowed. Tears burned my eyes, and I tried not to get lost down the rabbit hole of fear again.
His touch grounded me, and I focused on the warmth of his hand. Old coping techniques bubbled up through my mind. Three things I could see: my uniform, the leather chair, the bottom of the desk. Three things I could hear: my breath, Master Derek murmuring calming words, Littles running down the hall. Move three things. I swung my legs, twirled my feet and wiggled my fingers.
What felt like an hour later, my lungs stopped hurting and I drew in a deep breath. My thoughts calmed, and I wiped the tears from my cheeks. We sat together quietly for a minute then he slowly stood and went back to his seat.
“I’m sorry, Master Derek. I don’t like talking about myself, and I was scared you were going to make me leave. Then I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know what happened.”
He looked at me with concern. “That was a pretty bad panic attack, have you had them before?”
I looked down and shrugged. He handed me the water glass he’d refilled so I downed most of the contents rather than talking. I didn’t want to explain that I usually only freaked out in private because I would run away from people as soon as I started feeling anxious.
His gaze narrowed as if he had heard my unspoken words. “You are polite and a hard worker, River. I’m worried about your lack of growth since arriving. When you came here, you wouldn’t tell us why you’d come. We don’t force anyone to share their stories, but I was hoping after a few months you might be willing to open up.”
I wanted to. I really did. But what had happened with Cade was still a raw wound on my heart. He’d been the center of my universe for years and then everything fell apart. I’d failed. “I’m sorry, Master Derek, I can’t. Not yet.”
Maybe never.
He sighed. “As you wish, River, but I’m going to have to insist you speak with someone. Keeping everything bottled up inside of you isn’t working. We pride ourselves on helping submissives who come here seeking shelter. But time alone doesn’t seem to be healing you.”
If I couldn’t talk to him, who did he think could help? Tears pooled in my eyes and the world got blurry. I wouldn’t cry in front of this strong man again, I just wouldn’t.
“I tell you what…” He handed me a business card with two names: Sam Denten and Catherine Denten.
The names sounded familiar but I couldn’t place a face to them. “Who are they?”
“They,” Derek answered, “are a husband and wife therapist team who live on the Ridge. They work here at the Ranch. I want you to call their office and book a time to see one of them.”
I blew out a breath, recognizing the names now. Their offices were located at the mouth of the Littles’ Wing, a place I seldom even stepped foot in. “Okay, Sir, I will, but how do I know who is the right fit for me?”
Master Derek leaned forward, resting his forearms on the desk. “Professionally, they are both excellent choices. Privately, Catherine is a Mommy and is submissive but only to her husband, and Sam is a Daddy Dom.”
“Okay”—I nodded–“thank you for the referral, Sir.”
Master Derek stood and I assumed that signaled the meeting was over and stood as well. He guided me to the door.
“River, I expect you to book an appointment within forty-eight hours. If you haven’t spoken to one of them within a few weeks, I will consider that a breaking of the rules. Are we clear?”
My butt tingled. I knew how he dealt with rule breakers. “Yes, Sir.”
Only the rules about running in the halls kept me from sprinting all the way back to my room. But I walked as quickly as I could. And once inside, I locked my door and flung myself on my bed.
I would have to talk to someone about Cade. Would they even understand why it hurt so much? He was my Master. The only man I had ever called that, and I’d thought I would be his slave forever.
Unfortunately, forever only lasted a little over two years. The first one was perfect. It was like we’d been made to make each other happy. I got to live what I felt was my true self, emulating the submissive 1950s-style housewife I’d so admired from the old movies. I’d even dressed the part in adorable A-line dresses.
