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We’re both miserable.
The only thing that keeps me going is Matthew. I need to provide for him, and this job gives me that opportunity. Despite the turmoil of my life right now, at least I can say that I enjoy the new job. It pays enough for me to live comfortably and care for myself and Matthew. Ethan is covering the cost of the nanny and is providing child support, so money isn’t a worry.
The days are busy, long, and stressful. The nights are heartbreakingly lonely. I lay in bed with my phone on the table beside me each night. I know he won’t call, but my idiot heart refuses to believe it.
Besides, what would I say if he did call?
The last few days we were together, he avoided me altogether. The rare times he was at the condo, he was locked up in his home office. I only went in there one time to attempt a conversation. I handed him the schedule I had created to show which days I would have Matthew and which would be his. He took it, dropped it on his desk without looking, and then picked up his phone to make a call. I was dismissed without a single word or a look in my direction.
That was the last time I made an attempt to speak to him. The day we left, he stayed away from the condo entirely. Before leaving that morning, he said goodbye to Matthew, but he didn’t say a word to me.
He said he loved me. Was he lying to himself or just lying to me? Because those last few days with him didn’t feel like he loved me. In fact, I’m almost sure he hates me.
No matter what I do or how busy I am, I can’t get Ethan out of my mind. I thought I could protect myself, that we could have a physical relationship without involving my heart. And now look at me. I’m the type of woman that I’ve always pitied. The type that can’t hide their emotions. The type that cries over a man.
I keep replaying our last conversation in my mind. Was I too quick to dismiss Ethan? Was it my own stubborn pride that’s getting in the way of my happiness? Is it too late to do something about it?
Even as I think it, I can’t stop the tears from running down my cheeks. My pillow is wet, so I must have been crying for a while without knowing it. I look over at the clock. It’s only nine. I can already tell it’ll be another long night of no sleep.
I look over at my phone again and then pick it up. Maybe I should call Ethan? Just to give him an update on Matthew. I told him I’d keep him informed, after all.
No. I can’t lie to myself. That’s not why I want to call him. It feels like an eternity since I’ve heard his voice, and I’m craving it. I feel so lost without him.
I can’t do it. As much as I want to, I can’t call him.
As I roll over to put the phone on my side table, it vibrates in my hand. My traitorous heart jumps at the vibration. I flip it over and see the name that haunts my dreams.
Ethan.
My breath catches in my throat. He’s calling me, and I don’t know if I have the courage to pick up.
Seconds go by, and the phone continues to vibrate. It will stop soon, and I will have lost my chance to hear his voice.
“Hello,” I answer hesitantly.
There’s a pause before I hear his voice. “Liz? I thought you weren’t going to answer for a second there.”
“Yeah, I had my phone on vibrate.”
He doesn’t say anything. As the silence stretches on, I look down at my phone to see if he hung up.
Finally, he clears his throat nervously. “I just wanted to check on Matthew to see how he’s doing.”
“He’s doing really well. He’s started to lift his head during tummy time a lot now. I got it on video for you. I’ll send it if you want.”
“Yes, of course. I’d love to see it,” he says quietly.
I hear the sadness in his voice, and the ache in my chest tightens painfully. I’ve done this. I’ve taken Matthew away from him. Silent tears streak down my face, and I do my best to level my voice so Ethan can’t tell I’m crying.
“There’s a long weekend coming up. I know it’s not on the calendar, but if you’d like to come see him, I’m okay with that.”
“Thanks for the offer,” he says carefully. “Let me think about it.”
I’m surprised by his answer. I would’ve thought he’d jump on the offer. Then, I realize why he said what he said, and an overwhelming sadness crashes over me.
“You’re hesitating because you don’t want to see me,” I say simply. I want to say more, but the lump in my throat is choking me into silence.
“It’s not…” He pauses and then restarts. “It’s not that I don’t want… Look, I thought I could do this, but I can’t. I shouldn’t have called.”
