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‘Yes,’ said Dagmara. ‘I have written about it in here. They caught a train to Weston-Super-Mare and had ice cream and someone ran past and her face went into it like this.’ Dagmara demonstrated a cornet ramming upwards. ‘You were growing inside her then and it was the day she told him. They fell in love with each other and she knew it was wrong but she said she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t have stopped it and she didn’t want to stop it.’
‘I’m half Egyptian then.’ A crazy thought, Shay couldn’t absorb it.
‘Yes, you are. His mama’s name was Shay.’
Shay let out a small, dry laugh, remembering how she’d looked up the name of Omar Sharif’s mother because there was something in Roberta’s story that didn’t quite rule out her claim being wholly ridiculous.
‘What happened to him?’
‘When she found out she was pregnant, she was going to leave the programme and go with Ammon to Egypt. It was impossible situation because it would mean leaving your sister; she knew Harry would never give her up. Then Ammon was recalled for urgent matter and the military plane he was in had to take detour in bad weather and was shot down. The Libyans blamed the Israelis, the Israelis blamed the Libyans. Whoever, he died and your mother was broken.’
Shay’s hand came to her mouth, she felt her fingers trembling against her lips.
‘Your mother went back to Harry. She was only five, six, maybe, weeks pregnant. She said she had no idea how she kept hold of you because her heart was in pieces.’
‘Did Dad… Dad know?’Dad, how alien that word felt in her mouth now.
‘Your mother said he always thought you were his. He never questioned it, it was never spoken about.’ Dagmara shook her head slowly. ‘I wonder, though. I think he loved your mama so much and he knew in his heart that she was changed when she came back and why that could be.’
Is that why he kept cheating on her, because he was punishing her, Shay wondered. How hurt he must have been if he had guessed she had fallen in love with someone more than she could ever have loved him.
‘I don’t know for sure, but can you hide a big truth like that and not expect it to push through the lie?’
Her mother’s scrambled words thudded into her brain:If only I hadn’t gone, it would have been all right then. I wouldn’t have known any different. They hadn’t made sense at the time; now their meaning couldn’t have been clearer.
‘Are there any photos of him?’ asked Shay.
‘No, I’m sorry,’ said Dagmara.
‘Mum would have destroyed them anyway, wouldn’t she?’ Her modus operandi for trying to bury the past, except a small part of her, the part that kept the drawing, couldn’t quite let him go entirely.
Shay didn’t realise she was crying until she felt the tickle of a tear weaving down her cheek.
‘Don’t hate her, Shay. Don’t hate my friend.’ Dagmara was visibly distressed.
‘I couldn’t hate my mum, Dagmara,’ replied Shay.
‘We all have secrets in our hearts,’ said Dagmara. ‘Our children see us as grown-ups and old people and never as silly, young things floundering, learning, believing the signs on the road that saythis is the way you need to go. She tried to give you a stable home life, a family and she did because Harry loved you very much. But at the end, I thinkshe realised that some things shouldn’t be run from but confronted; because if they are not, they haunt you, they follow you.’
‘Did Mum say anything about a letter that came for me from Millspring? I don’t know when it could be: years ago.’ Shay realised, as soon as she opened her mouth to ask, how much of a long shot it was.
But it wasn’t. ‘Yes, many years ago. A letter arrived for you from someone, but I don’t recall the name, and Roberta was terrified that it would rake everything up for you. It was from a boy is all I can tell you.’
Jonah. It could only be him. She felt her heart bounce in response to the possibility.
‘Did she tell you what it said, Dagmara?’
‘Only that if you didn’t reply, he would never bother you again. You were about to be married when it came. I think that is why she destroyed it.’
Shay closed her eyes and remembered the morning of her wedding, outside the church; her mother exacting from her that she wanted to marry Bruce and had no doubts. What a mess. And all in the name of love.
Shay’s head was like a shaken snow-globe when she left Dagmara’s house and she had to force herself hard to concentrate on driving home. Later she realised it was not a good idea, when stuck in a traffic jam, to vent some frustration, anger, confusion and rail at the cosmos,What next? How much more do you think I can take? Why don’t you chuck something else at me?Because the cosmos wouldn’t ignore such a brazen gauntlet thrown down.
She walked into the house to find, propped up against the salt pot on the kitchen table, a note from Bruce.
Dear Shay
I think that it might be best if I moved out for a little while to give us both some space. I do love you but we haven’t been getting on well recently and I think a break is what we need to think about the future.
