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What if Maddison and I started dating after that night? What if we dated through undergrad, and we were together while I was in med school and she pursued writing?
What if right now, we were married, with a few kids?
That’s not what happened.
And feeling regret about that, plus eight dollars, will get me a plate of nachos at The Buck.
It’s too late to walk down that road.
Our paths diverged. Even though they’ve crossed again these past couple weeks, we’re not on that same track.
The love track.
Maddison’s made it clear that’s not what she wants. Not given everything she’s dealing with. I’ve never been on the brink of marriage. I don’t know what it would feel like to break things off with a person you almost committed to a life with. I understand why she’s put the brakes on us, again and again.
A question presses down on my shoulders.What now?
She echoes it, like she’s reading my mind. “Where does this leave us? I mean, what’s going to happen with us, this time around?”
“You kept that promise you made, all those years ago,” I tell her, my voice gruff with emotion. “That vow you made up on the roof, about writing a funny movie.”
Our eyes meet. I hold her gaze. “And you’re not the only one who keeps promises.”
She waits, peering into my eyes.
I reach for her knee. When I pat it, she rests her hand over mine.
“I promised you we wouldn’t mess up that badly again,” I tell her. “I’m keeping my word. I want us to be in each other’s lives from here on out.”
Maybe right now, that has to be as her friend.
In the future—if and when she’s ready—maybe we could be more.
I don’t know if she’ll ever want that with me.
What I do know is that I will never,ever, let this friendship end again.
“No matter what happens.” I say, “I will be there when you need me for the rest of our days on this earth. Even if it’s just on the phone. And the next time I go on vacation, you can bet it’s going to be with a hike to those Hollywood letters in mind.”
“You really mean that, Nick?”
“I mean it.”
“Friends forever? Promise?”
“I promise.”
She rests against me. I hold her, and we sit in silence.
It’s frustrating to make this promise. I wantmorewith Maddison. So much more. But I also know that we missed that chance, years ago. The stars didn’t align for us, back when we were freshmen. Maybe they will align one day.
I love Maddison with a ferocity that I’ve never known before, and right now, that love is meant to be expressed likethis, sitting here on this couch, supporting her during a tough time.
She swivels to rest against me again, and once again I wrap her in my arms.
I feel her breathing settle.
I rub her arm. “You doing okay? I am your doctor, you know. You can tell me if you’re having symptoms.”
