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“These are my headphones for when I need to shut out the world. I have a playlist on my phone called ‘For fuck sake stay chill.’” Lucie laughed gently as she reached for another item. “This is a fidget spinner that has been all around the world with me. Some people think they’re childish but—”
Chris pulled a fidget spinner out of his jacket pocket with a smile, cutting her words short. “Snap. I use mine when I need a distraction from some of the drama at school. They discovered at university that I’d always had ADHD. This thing helps me to focus. I give it to the kids at school as well when they need to chill.”
She smiled back shyly. She’d considered speaking to her own doctor about being neurodivergent after some of the stuff that had come up recently with professionals around her anxiety groups and discussions she’d had with Emma. Did this explain their unfathomable connection? Maybe it was why being around him put her at ease and yet filled her to the brim with nervous energy. She hastened on. “I also have this tiny teddy bear. I picked it up at a gift shop in America. It reminded me of a bigger one I would cuddle when I was little, and Mum would read me bedtime stories.”
“I love this. Thank you so much for sharing it with me,” Chris replied as she grabbed postcards from her travels, a worry doll from Guatemala, and pictures she’d drawn in various places. The bag also included a couple of lollies, a fruity lip balm, and chocolate.
“Emma made this for me,” she said, showing him a crystal star. It hung on the end of a necklace. It was an original and bespoke piece, and Lucie often held it and reminded herself of all the supportive things Emma said to her.
There were three more things in the bag. Lucie hesitated before getting them out. “Promise you won’t laugh at these last items?”
Chris tilted his head to one side and stared at her. His green eyes were beguiling. “Why would I laugh?”
She shrugged and warily pulled out a stone. She considered lying about the dull piece of rock. It was rubbed smooth by her fingers over the years. “It’s from that weekend,” she blurted, although she was unsure why.
The last item was a birthday candle. “This was from our last day together,” he exclaimed before rubbing his thumb over it. “I wondered what happened to it.”
“You made it such a special day,” she said, imagining his thumb smoothing over her bottom lip in the same way as he leant into kiss her. But it was just a fantasy. Her stomach twisted in helplessness. Their Sunday together had been a special day until it ended so painfully. Would they ever get around to talking about what had happened?
She moved the bag, needing to keep her hands busy. It rattled against the table.
“There’s something else inside your bag,” he said quickly. There was no fooling him. “You must have missed an item. What is it?”
Reluctantly Lucie’s hand went back in the bag and grasped the last item, a travel-sized deodorant. Chris reached across the table and took it from her. “Lynx Africa. Wow, I haven’t used this in ages. Can I?” he asked with his finger on the button. She nodded slowly.
At thepssssssound, Lucie was transported back to her last day with Chris in the forest. What if events had unfolded differently? Would they have spent the previous years together, or was it true that everything happened for a reason? Sometimes she believed the saying was right, but then could it be mindless words offered to help people filled with sadness and regret.
“I can’t believe I used to smell like this,” he said with a broad smile.
“I liked the way you smelt,” she whispered, her gaze entirely focused on the table.
“Did you put this in the bag because of me?”
How should she answer that? She couldn’t tell him she’d loved him all this time. Instead, she shrugged before hurriedly gathering the items and hiding them back in the bag. “Anyway, I’d love to meet your student and tell her where I got help and show her how to make one of these, although you can find it on the internet too. At university, I joined some forums, and I learnt a lot about anxiety and how to manage it. Since then, I’ve run meetups for teenagers struggling through it.” She was proud of those who’d improved and gained resilience. “There’s a lot of support out there. The most important thing you can tell your student is that she’s not alone, and although she feels like it’s never going to be okay, there’s hope. I can put her in touch with some great support groups if you want? Chris, you helped me on my journey of getting help. It sounds cheesy, but it’s true.”
Chris shrugged with a half-smile.
“Seriously, don’t underestimate it.”
He grinned, and she marvelled again at his dimples. As a teenager, he’d stolen her heart with his boyish good looks, caring attitude, and goofy persona. But now he was a gorgeous man who still carried that air of amusement and love for others. She pushed away from the sadness. What if their weekend hadn’t ended as it had? Would she have watched him turn into a manand had the opportunity to enjoy their life milestones together? Their first university ball, their first sunset in a different continent, moving in together. She’d had some of them with others, but with Chris, they would have meant something. At least she’d seen him again. But was it one chance meeting and then they’d go on with their lives and never see each other again?
“Lucie, you helped me too. You gave me the confidence to go to university. I was intent on dropping out. None of my friends from home planned to go, and I presumed I wasn’t good enough to be going either. Total imposter syndrome. I thought I’d arrive and the university chancellor would send me home, or in the middle of a lecture, I’d get found out as a fake and the other students would laugh as security ejected me from the room.” He reached for her hands, cradling them between his own. “You helped me through that.”
Lucie’s words caught in her throat, and she swallowed noisily. “You told me your insecurities, but to me, you were the coolest guy who could handle anything. I didn’t doubt that you would be amazing,” Lucie replied, enjoying the warmth from his hold. Occasionally the fan of the air conditioning breezed down her back, but sitting here with him, she’d never felt so cosy.
“You saw things in me that I hadn’t until that weekend. Meeting you meant I went to university, and I attended every lecture and read all the books recommended and extra ones too. I took the time to learn and immersed myself in the whole experience. I have no idea what my future would have been without you, but it wouldn’t have been this. I had to put the effort in, but you made me realise that I could do it,” Chris said earnestly. “I wanted to tell you about my experience at university and share the funny and unusual things that I learnt about in psychology but also the interesting people I met too. I thought about you a lot and wondered which of my stories or things I’d learned would make you laugh or gasp and which of the peopleyou would choose to draw. Sometimes a lecturer would do something funny, or I’d eat a pancake and want to tell you about the toppings on offer. I’ve missed you.”
Lucie smiled softly. “I never doubted you. Once you found your passion, I knew you’d give it everything you had. You had this light about you, and I couldn’t get enough of being around you. I’ve missed you too.” She wetted her lips. She wanted to kiss him. His eyes dipped to her lips. Was he thinking the same thing?
The pub where people went to dump their lovers wasn’t the place for a kiss, and how cruel would it be to Bradley? She needed to get on with it and ditch him, and somehow, this time with Chris reminded her that she didn’t need to be scared. She closed her eyes and took a breath. “Let me get us another drink. What do you want?”
“It’s okay, I’ll get them,” he replied, fishing through his pockets.
She took the opportunity to flick her bangs out of her face. Beneath her eyelashes, she looked at him. “Before I lose confidence, I have to tell you that you did loads for me too. I’ll never be able to share everything, but one thing in particular springs to mind. About four years ago, Emma and I passed an old church hall in a little town near Auckland in New Zealand. There was music, like something from a vintage radio. I dragged Emma into the hall with me, and we danced for hours at this little social club. There were loads of strangers who had questions about our travels and what brought us to their little town.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“It was. As I danced with the older men and women, I asked them for their stories, especially how they met their partners. I’ve been a sucker for a good love story since, well, since my eighteenth birthday.” A tingle crossed her neck at hissmile. “One woman, Edith, shared much of her life. She told me that it had been nearly a year since her husband died. They were together for sixty years before he died of cancer. She was now at the point that she didn’t feel she could talk about him anymore because it was so long since he’d gone, and people were bored of hearing about him.”
