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“Yeah, I am.” He grinned. “But thank you for saying it too. Mum and I speak on the phone every couple of weeks, and I’ve visited her a couple of times during the school holidays. It’s made it easier to understand Dad too. He carried his guilt for a long time. He believed he hadn’t tried hard enough to fix her or pushed her away too quickly, but now he gets it. She didn’t need him fixing her, but she needed professional support. They’ve met and talked through everything,” Chris replied with a sigh of relief and a smile that twisted his lips to the side. It made him appear ten years younger and reminded her of how young they’d been when they met.
Suddenly one of the glass clearers bumped into Lucie and snatched the empty wine glass from the table. It was as if he’d broken the spell between them, and Lucie dropped Chris’s hands in surprise.
“Thanks,” the guy said as Chris passed his empty bottle over.
“And now your dad is getting married,” Lucie said after the guy disappeared.
“Yes, he is. I’m freaking over the moon for him. And I’m going to be the best man, so whatever happens, I can’t miss the train. My school have allowed me the afternoon off. I came straight from a lesson, and like the classy man I am, I changed in the station toilets. Am I presentable enough for a wedding?” he asked, standing up beside her chair. “I struggled a bit with my tie. I’ve never been very good with them. Maybe it’s punishment for wearing them around my head when I was a rebellious teenager.”
Lucie giggled at the image. “Can I?” she asked.
He nodded and smiled broadly enough to show his dimples. Lucie stood and wrapped her hands around his tie. The silk caught the rough skin near her cuticles. She’d been nibbling them on the train this morning before she’d listened to one of her mindfulness recordings.
Slowly she smoothed the tie down before reaching up and giving the knot a wiggle so that it was a little tighter. Standing close to Chris, she was able to breathe him in. The smell of Lynx may have gone, but the scent that filled her body nearly made her sigh aloud. It was a heady scent, a mixture of leather and citrus with a hint of spice. It was the scent of men in contemporary romance books. Maybe he was wearing his best fragrance for the wedding.
The sudden urge to find out if she had a hope of being with him overwhelmed her. It was as if a giant wave of nervous heat filled every limb as she contemplated her words. The question burnt her tongue, and flames filled her mouth. She wasn’t the shy Lucie from all those years ago, so why was she terrified of uttering the words?
“I was wondering,” she said as she fiddled with the collar of his shirt. She stretched her neck, moving her head from side to side. The movement was a tactic to distract her overthinking brain. It was an unusual move, but it offered the opportunityto ask things without her anxiety silencing her. “Are you seeing anyone?”
Chapter Twenty-One
That nausea that accompanied a lot of Lucie’s significant moments with Chris returned. She was in a “relationship”, and yet she’d asked if he was single. What difference would it make? First loves never worked out. Stretching her neck from side to side as a distraction technique only worked for so long. She swallowed nervously and fixed her gaze on his tie, pretending to locate and pick off a piece of lint. She might as well have still been seventeen from the mix of emotions threatening her cool. Chris tucked his finger under her chin and lifted it so that her eyes met his.
He shook his head. “No, I’m free and single.” His lips lifted in a smile that brought a rush of joy. It replaced the queasiness that ruled her body. But he hadn’t finished talking. She desperately tried to hide the tremble threatening to give away her thoughts.
His finger warmed the little dip beneath her chin. She wanted to lean into it. She bit the inside of her mouth to stop all the urges willing her forward. She was more impulsive these days, but so much had happened in their lives since that weekend. It was impossible to believe they could return to those days flush with first love.
He smiled nervously at her before adding, “I guess, for a long time, I was searching for someone a bit like you.”
She wasn’t sure what to say. It was how she felt too. There were guys, including Bradley, but it hadn’t felt right with them, like it had felt with Chris. But she’d carried on trying to live a “normal” life, dating and trying different experiences while reminding herself regularly that she couldn’t stop her life for a guy she knew for one weekend. But those guys hadn’t compared to him, and deep down, she’d carried the hope that one day she’dmeet Chris again and that he wouldn’t hate her for how their weekend ended.
“Are you seeing anyone?” He stuttered through the question.
“It’s complicated, but yes, I am dating someone,” she replied, wincing when his shoulders fell. She slid back into the booth, unable to meet his eyes. He followed her lead and sat too. Once again, they were opposite each other with a shabby table separating them. “But you hit the nail on the head when you said this is the place people come to dump the people they’re dating. Bradley and I aren’t serious. I’ve wanted to break up for a while. I waited until now because of the job interview, and because most of my relationships tail off naturally because they’re not what I want.” Did she sound like she was trying to justify herself? It was the truth, and she was pretty sure Bradley saw it coming. He wasn’t all in and never had been.
“Okay,” Chris said quietly. Lucie attempted to decipher the emotions behind his eyes. Most people kept their first love in the past for a reason. They were two random people who liked each other when they were teenagers. People grew up and changed. If that was true, why did the thought of not seeing him again scare her more than her job interview that morning?
Lucie cleared her throat. “And because I was too scared to confront him. I guess I’m not that different from scared eighteen-year-old Lucie after all.”
Chris shook his head. “You were strong in many ways that weekend, and everything I’ve seen so far shows me that you’re even stronger now. You’ll do it. Your fears are high right now, and I get that.”
Lucie blushed and tapped her fingers against the table. She touched a tacky bit and blanched as she searched for something to wipe her sticky fingers on. She needed to change the subject. “By the way, I can’t believe what you did for mybirthday on the Sunday of our weekend. That present and the way you helped me was more significant than you’ll ever believe. It changed everything,” she said, now fiddling with the flyer he’d had before. Chris stared at her with a furrowed brow. What was he thinking about? “You made me laugh a lot that day too.”
“You deserved a great day, and I’ll never forgot that moment on the high ropes,” he said with a slight shiver. “How have the anxiety attacks been? I have a student who is going through something similar, and she’s been struggling. I told her about you and the things we discussed. She wanted to meet you, but I didn’t know where you were.”
She smiled at the memory of that Sunday. “I can control them by myself now. I still get them, but I have tactics to calm down that mostly work. I don’t need Emma anymore. Can I share one of the tactics with you?”
He nodded keenly.
“It’s called a self-soothe bag.”
She had no fear in showing him the bag as she had with guys in the past. When one of her boyfriends found it, she’d locked herself in the bathroom, terrified that he’d laugh at her. Why had she stayed with guys when she expected that reaction over her anxiety? She reached into her handbag and pulled out the small canvas bag decorated with pink and black flowers and with a steampunk edge to it. Holding the canvas brought her instant calm.
Lucie tucked her finger into the loop of the drawstring as she spoke. “Some people use a box, but I wanted something compact when I went travelling. One of my art college friends designed this bag for me. The idea is that you put things inside that can be meaningful and helpful. There has to be a range of things so that you can tap into your five senses. Then by touching or tasting, for example, you can ground yourself. Itdoesn’t always work, but it is one of the most effective things I’ve found.”
She briefly looked up and marvelled at the wide-eyed stare of Chris. He appeared fascinated by the bag she placed on the table.
One by one, she retrieved different items from inside.
