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The unusual request threw her for a moment. Lucie hesitated.
“Five things you can see, Lucie. What can you see?” he asked softly.
She looked wildly around her, desperately trying to avoid the water. “You, zip wire, blue skies, ropes, trees,” she replied, breathlessly stuttering through the words.
“Well done. How about four things you can feel?”
She took a deep breath, focusing on everything against her body. “My harness against my chest, my helmet, your finger on my wrist and—” A clicking sound distracted her as the instructor attached a karabiner to the last person’s harness.
“Stay with me. One more thing you can feel.” Chris stamped his feet, offering a hint.
“The boards under our feet. I can feel the boards,” Lucie said, letting out a breath of relief.
“You worked out my subtle hint.” Chris smiled. “Okay, now tell me three things you can hear.”
The fog in her head was clearing, and the rushing in her ears wasn’t as intense. She closed her eyes and let her other senses take precedence. There were lots of different noises, and she could distinguish between them. Usually, during an anxiety attack, it was a wall of sound. Maybe it was easing. “Birds, there are lots of them. The instructor is giving instructions to the person they’ve clicked in, and I can also hear some kids shouting. They sound happy,” she finished. Lucie opened her eyes and offered him a brief smile.
“How about two things you can smell?” Chris was smiling back at her.
“I smell green, which makes no sense, but whatever it is, it smells green, probably the trees. Oh, and I can smell Lynx.”
Chris blushed. “Finally.” He let go of one hand and shoved his hand in his pocket before bringing out some mints. He flipped a polo into her free hand. “Tell me one thing you can taste.”
Lucie popped it into her mouth, twisting it around with her tongue. The ridges of the mint pressed against the roof of her mouth before she stuck the tip of her tongue through the hole. “I can taste mint.”
He flipped one into his mouth and said with muffled speech, “Me too.”
They smiled as they sucked and munched on the little peppermints. Tiredness crept over Lucie, which was a typical response after an attack, but there was something else this time: freedom, now she’d got through it. Although she always got to the other side of one, tiredness and shame usually accompanied the experience. But this time, it was different. The techniques offered her hope. Beyond Emma holding her hand and making her breathe, she didn’t know there was a way to lessen the avalanche of a full-blown attack, but she could use the technique Chris showed her again. Maybe there were other activities out there too. Was it time to speak to her mum about getting help rather than hiding the problem away?
“Thank you,” she said, holding his hand. It was warm and clammy, but she didn’t want to let go, not ever. She liked him more than that morning. Chris helped her rather than laugh at her attack or ditch her. “I normally run away when an attack is coming, but I’m trapped here.”
She said it as a joke, but he saw straight through her defence mechanism.
“Do you get anxiety attacks a lot? Is that what happened yesterday outside the coffee shop?” He asked the question, but she was sure he already knew the answer.
Lucie chased the dissipating mint around her mouth with her tongue. This attack had made her vulnerable, but sharing this weakness was a choice. She fumbled through her words, attempting to reply without making the difficult situation more embarrassing.
“Lucie, it would be helpful for me to know in case it happens again,” he explained.
The expectation that she had to share brought anger rising like a ball in her throat. “It won’t.”
“It’s happened twice in twenty-four hours.”
“Because I’m scared, okay?” she said, raising her voice. “They’ve been escalating since I’ve had to talk about school and university more.”
“I made you do this, and I made you talk about university yesterday.” His face softened, and he dropped his head. “And now I’m demanding answers from you when, if I remember right from mum’s attacks, you should probably sit down and eat something as you must be exhausted. They used to take so much out of her.”
She was tired and tetchy. It wasn’t just the attack that made her angry. It was opening up to someone she still had questions about. Chris held her close, but she was sure it was because he was scared that she might collapse from a lack of energy.
“I can help you down via the steps. It shouldn’t be too tricky together. I should have asked before planning something like this. I wouldn’t have booked this activity.” His guilt made her squeeze his hand tighter.
“Please don’t apologise. I’ve never told anyone other than Emma. I’m scared of so much, including how you’ll react. I’m waiting for you to walk away from me,” Lucie said, allowing herself to open up a little.
“Why would I?”
Telling him the truth was scarier than jumping into the sky with a bit of wire holding her up, so instead, Lucie took a deep breath and focused on the path of the zip wire. She gulped noisily. The line stretched across the expanse of the lake before disappearing beneath the trees. It had to be safe, but that didn’t make it more attractive. What about the bike ride the daybefore? She was terrified at the top of the hill, but she’d ridden down it anyway and loved every thrilling second. She couldn’t keep missing out on life because of her fears. “Can we talk about it later? I don’t want to go down the steps. I want to go on the zip wire. I think I’m ready.”
Lucie gripped his hand, unable to hide her fear completely, and walked closer to the instructor before he could stop her or question her motives. “We’re ready to do the zip wire.”
