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I don’t, and neither does he.
Lloyd pushes to his feet, abandoning the latte he hasn’t touched. He’s does a good job of trying to conceal his hurt. A heroic effort, really, because somehow even with the pain of rejection heavy in his eyes he musters up that charming smile I’m so used to seeing, and it seems real enough.
‘See you around the office, then. Civil and polite, right?’
That’s what I asked for, weeks ago, when I thought it would be easy to stay out of each other’s way.
‘Right.’
I watch him leave, trembling, reeling from everything that just happened. What I’ve done.
But I had to. It’s what’s best. This internship could shape the rest of my life. How can that compete with a boy I’ve known for only a few weeks?
It can’t.
It didn’t bother me when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. That was the smart, sensible decision then, too, just like this is. But this leaves me uneasy, full of regret, wishing things had been different.
In a daze, I head back to the office. I’m swept into meetings for a couple of hours, peppered with questions and asked to take notes, kept blissfully busy and distracted for the rest of the afternoon. It doesn’t leave space for heartache.
I manage to not think about it, or him, until that evening. Louis is out on another first date with someone he matched with on an app, and Elaine gets home late from the office to find me sniffling and teary-eyed on the sofa, huddled under a blanket despite the warm evening.
‘Anna! What happened? What’s going on?’ She hurries over, perching on the edge of the sofa near my knees and putting a hand on my arm, rubbing it through the blanket. With her other hand, she reachesfor the box of tissues and hands me a fresh one; the one I’m crying into is sodden. ‘Did something happen at work? Back home?’
I shake my head. But now she mentions it, I miss home. I miss Dad and Gina and my brothers.
I miss a time when I wasn’t falling for Lloyd and forced to push him away, again, once and for all.
Elaine keeps rubbing my arm, all sympathy and compassion, ready to listen and help as best she can. I even missher, and she’s right here; I’m mad at myself for all the times I haven’t hung out with the others when they’ve asked me because I was more interested in putting in overtime for work I’d agreed to, just to prove myself, or because I baulked at the idea of spending a small fortune on some cocktails. It’s not just Lloyd I’ve been keeping at bay this summer, but people who could be friends, too.
‘It’s just –’ I sniffle, and a hiccup spills out of me as fresh tears trickle down my cheeks. ‘There was this boy. And now … there’s not.’
‘Oh, sweetie,’ Elaine sighs. She kicks off her shoes and tucks her feet up beneath her on the sofa. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
No. I want to bury it deep, deep down and far away and forget these feelings ever existed. I want to blot the memory of kissing him out of my mind, ready to act like this wasnever even a thing in the first place once the summer’s over. I don’t want to wallow, because then it makes it real, and I’m supposed to be better than this.
But instead, I tell her. I tell her about the sweet, funny guy I met who made me laugh and swapped secrets with me, and the best kiss of my life. I tell her that I need to focus on the internship and I can’t be the person he thinks I am, and how he puts up a front most of the time, too, oddly secretive for someone so open. I tell her about his big heart and easy smile, and that even though I know it’s right to call it off, it still hurts.
Elaine gives me a hug and hands me more tissues as I cry, and tells me I’m worth more than a boy who’d mess me about and be so careless with my feelings anyway.
I don’t correct her, and she promises not to mention anything to the others about my little breakdown.
‘It’s just embarrassing,’ I say.
Elaine squeezes my hand. ‘Been there. Heartbreak’s a tough bitch, Anna, but so are you.’
It’s the first time I think I’ve ever heard her swear, and it’s enough to make a laugh bubble up out of me.
‘Thanks. I think.’
‘You’re welcome. God, that was a rubbish way to comfort you, wasn’t it, calling you a bitch? I promise you’re not. Sorry. It wasn’t –’
‘It was a great way to comfort me. Thanks, Elaine.’
She smiles, looking a little relieved to hear it. ‘Hey, some of us are doing an escape room on Thursday evening, if you wanted to come?’
I was planning to stay late on Thursday. I have meetings until six and figured I’d have some stuff to write up afterwards, and I’d promised to help Laurie with a spreadsheet which she needs back by Monday, and …
And I smile at Elaine. ‘That sounds great. I’d love to.’
