AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I already have more than I should hope for after the way I trashed my life and treated everyone around me. If that means I go through the rest of my days in a kind of three-quarters life, cutting off the parts of my nature that can’t be indulged, then I’ll be grateful for even that.
Not positive thoughts. Not healthy thoughts. Not even accurate thoughts, although they feel both true and inevitable at the moment.
It’s been a long time since I’ve fallen into this kind of mental spiral. I’m working on dragging myself out of it by reminding myself of all the good things I know to be true about myself and my life when a voice from the hallway surprises me.
“You okay?”
Caleb. I know it’s him without even opening my eyes or turning my head. No one else sounds like Caleb.
I’m so startled I jump up into a sitting position on the couch and turn to face him. “Yes. I’m fine.”
“Are you?” He’s wearing pajama pants and a white undershirt that’s not pulled down all the way. He must have put it on before leaving his room. His hair is rumpled, he needs to shave, and his bare feet seem unnervingly intimate against my hardwood floors.
“Yeah. Just couldn’t sleep. Why?”
“I don’t know. Felt like something was wrong out here.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. But everything is fine.”
I have no idea what kind of vibes he managed to pick up from inside his room, but the fact that he knew something was wrong is even more disturbing.
He walks over and lowers himself onto the couch beside me. Glances over, his eyes scanning my face with a scrutiny that misses nothing. “Tell me what’s up, Louisa.”
With a sigh, I slump back against the couch. “It’s nothing really. I just… usually I do a good job of looking forward, but sometimes I glance backward instead. And it’s… It doesn’t make me feel good.”
“Oh.” His expression relaxes, although he still looks thoughtful, reflective. “I get that. Everyone has regrets, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up over them.”
“What I have are a lot more than regrets.”
“Why are yours worse than other people’s?”
“Are you serious? I spent years spinning out of control, indulging every passing whim at other people’s expense.”
“You hurt yourself more than others.”
“Maybe. But I hurt other people too. I treated the people in my life like trash.” I pause, sucking in a weird, ragged breath. “I treated you like trash.”
He gives a dry huff. “That was my job.”
“No, it wasn’t. Not all of it.”
“Were you out here stewing about me?” he asks, looking genuinely surprised and vaguely disturbed by the idea.
I lick my lips. Glance away from him.
“Louisa, what the hell?”
“What the hell, what?” I demand, turning back. “Why shouldn’t I feel bad about the way I treated you? You’re the one who got the brunt of it.”
“I told you I’m not angry about it. I’m not holding it against you. You were making bad decisions, but even at your worst, you never actively tried to hurt other people. Not even me.”
“Sometimes I did.”
“You teased me, acted out because I represented control over your life. It wasn’t personal. I never took it personally. Give yourself a break, Louisa. You’ve taken responsibility for your own actions, and look at how far you’ve come since then.”
He’s making me feel better, but I’m still not sure Ideserveto feel better. “You’re taking it too easy on me. You should make me grovel a lot more.”
Caleb chuckles at that. “What will groveling serve? You’ve apologized. You’ve changed. You’re living a good life now. And you offered me grace when I messed up.”
