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“When did you mess up?” My eyes are wide, confused.
His mouth twists. “Uh, less than a week ago. I lost control and had sex with you even after I promised myself I wouldn’t take advantage of you like that.”
“You didn’t take advantage.” My cheeks are warm. I’m too self-conscious to check his face. “I wanted it.”
“But still… I shouldn’t have done it.”
“I think you should have.” I’m not sure what’s gotten into me, but I’m suddenly tired of not admitting it.
“What?” He kind of chokes on the word. He’s turned halfway toward me, staring at me in startled disbelief.
“You heard me. I don’t think we did anything wrong. We both wanted it. It didn’t compromise my safety. Why shouldn’t we have had sex when both of us wanted it? I wouldn’t mind doing it again.”
I’ve gotten brave enough to meet his eyes now, and I can see his expression change. Get hotter. Hungrier.
My whole body clenches in excitement. “We said we’d play it by ear. I thought that left things open to doing it again.”
“It did,” he says thickly.
“So what’s the problem? You’ve been treating me like I’m contagious ever since.”
He gives his head a firm shake. “The problem is—” He breaks off, his expression changing. “Wait a minute. Wait just a fucking minute.”
I frown at his sudden indignation. “Wait for what?”
“Is that what you’re upset about?”
“Is what?—?”
“You weren’t really out here stewing over all your sins because of me?”
“Not because of you,” I say quietly, wanting to tell him the truth despite the raw and naked nature of the conversation. “Because of me.”
“But was it triggered because I’ve been trying to…?” He trails off with a throaty half cough.
“You’ve been trying to what?”
“To be good.”
“I’m trying to be good too. I just think maybe we can be good together.”
He chuckles again at that. A real laugh. One that lights up and warms his eyes. “Louisa, you have to already know I want you again. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings by trying to be careful. I never wanted to do that.”
“I know. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just tired of always beingcareful. I want to…”
“What do you want?”
“I want to not always have to cut myself off from the things I want just because I’ve made mistakes before.”
He meets my eyes. Holds them. We share something deep in that gaze. It touches me. Reshapes me.
“I want that too,” he murmurs thickly.
We sit in silence for a long minute, saying nothing. Just gazing at each other.
Then I finally exhale. “So anyway. Those were my spiraling thoughts this evening when I should have been sleeping. What about you?”
“I wasn’t asleep either.”
