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Tripp was nothing but kind and attentive that night, but Pacey just confirmed that he lashed out behind closed doors, and honestly, I was just grateful I wasn’t there to witness it.
“He thinks we both betrayed him,” I whisper and my heart plummets in my chest at admitting that out loud.
“I think it was a lot more than feeling like we betrayed him,” Pacey’s eyes find mine.
“Me and Riggs were never anything more than just…”
“Friends?” Pacey’s brows lift and I swallow down the nausea. “Aspen, you and Riggs were never justfriends. You both knew that, and that’s why he is struggling so much. You left Aspen, you broke all of our hearts in the process. And we got it, well, most of us did. You wanted a new dream to chase, you wanted to heal and who were we to stop you? You’re ours kid, we all adore you, but it seems Riggs adores you a little more than us.”
I blink back the tears.
“I wish we could go back to being kids, when none of this had happened, it was just running out and playing until the stars shone above us… and now, here we are, a dysfunctional pack of friends who can hardly bear to be in the same room as one another...” I pause, “And then there is Harlow.” I facepalm myself and I feel Pacey’s arms wrap around me, pulling me into him.
“Harlow changed when you left… and well… I don’t need to bring up old news.” I stiffen in his arms. “But just know, and please, you didn’t hear this from me…” he pauses, “but Riggs regrets that one night, it never should have happened. Anger, resentment and a flirtatious girl all mixed with too much alcohol was a recipe for disaster, it just so happened that disaster was Harlow.”
I have no right to be cross with either of them, but I am. I hate the fact that she slept with Riggs. She knew what we had… she knew how I felt but as soon as I was out of sight, she jumped into bed with him. I push away from Pacey and stand, taking a large swig of my wine.
“Yeah, I hurt Riggs too so I guess we are equal but still. Harlow has avoided me and now, every chance she gets since I’ve been back she has dangled Riggs in my face like a carrot. She knows what she is doing. It was bad enough she fucked my brother,” I whisper-shout now and Pacey just sits there with a stupid grin on his face. “Stop smiling, this isn’t funny. Do you hear how fucked up all of this is?” and then I laugh at how ridiculous it all is, a light giggle bubbles out of me and I can’t stop. Hysteria finally winning.
* * *
We sitat the dinner table, Austin to my left, Pacey to my right and I am grateful. Riggs sits opposite me between Orla and Tripp. Dinner was delicious and now we all sit amongst light chatter and I focus on my glass of wine. I really should stop, but I need something to get me through this evening and my good old bottle of red will be the one to do that. I reach for the bottle at the same time as Riggs does, our fingertips just brushing and I pull my hand away quickly, my fingers tingling.
“Please, you first,” Riggs says lowly and I shake my head from side to side which causes a roll of his eyes as he lifts the bottle and fills my glass up before his anyway.
I finally allow myself to look at him and ignore the way my heart is galloping in my chest like wild horses, but he doesn’t look back at me. I lift the glass to my lips and let the smooth, velvety wine slip past my lips, travelling down my throat like silk.
“So, Aspen,” Orla says across the table, “tell me all about this famous fiancé of yours and your life in the wonderful LA.” My eyes widen, and I choke, placing the glass on the table and grabbing a napkin to cover my mouth.
“You okay?” Austin whispers, rubbing my back and I nod continuously, giving myself a moment to catch my breath.
“Sorry,” I mutter, and I hear an irritated groan from Riggs. Annoyance flickers inside of me causing me to swing my leg forward and kick him under the table which in turn causes him to suck in a breath through his gritted teeth. A satisfied smile creeps onto my lips and I plaster on the nicest façade I can muster.
“No, no, don’t apologize.” Orla says softly but still her elbows are perched on the table waiting for me to confess all. I feel a squeeze on my bare thigh, and I know it’s Pacey.
“Things are amazing, Luke is just so busy on set with his new movie, so instead of being home by myself at Christmas, I thought I would spend it with my family. It’s been a hot minute since I have been home,” I smile through gritted teeth and my heart is skipping beats in my chest. Pacey’s grip tightens and suddenly I feel like I am suffocating. I can’t breathe. My chest is tight, my heartbeat is picking up its pace and I feel out of control of my body. I drum my fingers against the tablecloth, hoping that tapping them in a rhythmic pattern would help. It should help, it’s a coping mechanism from when I had my accident, but it’s not calming me. My chest squeezes tighter, an elastic band wound tight around me and I feel myself struggling to fill my lungs.
“Beautiful engagement ring, you really are glowing Aspen. Good for you for getting out of this time loop and making something of yourself,” Orla continues, and I can’t take any more.
“Please,” I say quietly as I push my chair back and stand up, “excuse me for one moment,” and only then do I feel Riggs’ beautiful green eyes on mine. The want to turn and look at him overwhelms me but I refuse myself that privilege.
Turning quickly, I walk out of the dining room and into the downstairs restroom, slamming the door behind me. Resting my back against the door, my palms splayed flat on the surface, I slowly slide down until I am sitting on the cool floor.
Knees bent against my chest, head in my hands and only then, do I allow myself to cry.
CHAPTERTEN
RIGGS
Coming here was a bad idea. She was a temptation. One that I couldn’t give into. I sit between my mom and Tripp, and directly in front of me is Aspen. She looks so fucking beautiful it hurts. Her hazel eyes are full of joy and I notice the flecks of gold that glisten in certain lights and I never want to stop losing myself in them.
Supper was amazing, Blue was always the better cook out of our moms. I used to prefer coming up here for supper as a kid. Any chance I could, I would be here but it wasn’t just because of Blue’s home cooked meals, it was also because of Aspen.
But supper was a good cover up.
I need to just get drunk, it’ll make this evening a lot easier to get through if I am drunk. Being in such close proximity to the one girl that has my heart, hurts. She takes the air from my lungs, my heart in her hands as she squeezes it until it is nothing more than ash in her hands, pouring out of the gaps and to her feet. But to love her is pointless. Like roping in the wind.
Reaching in the middle for the wine, Aspen moves at the same time and our fingertips graze, the burn coursing down my arm and I pull away at the same time she does. I fight with everything in me not to look at her as I move closer to the bottle again.
