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“I see you’ve been reading up on earth history in between your quantum mechanics.”
She looked away. “It’s, uh, it’s been a couple weeks. I’ve just had stuff going on. And it’s not like you can blame me. You used to work every single day running Crystal Lights too.”
“I didn’t run a bookstore on top of it. And I’d trained in bakeries for a long time before that.”
She hunched her shoulders. “Well. Paisley the overachiever.”
“That’s just it. I barely recognize you anymore.”
She stuck her tongue out. “I know. I learned how to change myself. And that was with your help. So you have no one to blame but yourself.”
“And you like being this?”
“Uh.” She scrunched up her face, looking down. “Well… I guess maybe this hasn’t been super healthy for me.”
I couldn’t even keep track of what I was saying—words tumbled out of me in a breathless race. “If you felt empowered to change yourself but all it meant was that you changed yourself to fit what other people want from you—that’s not the kind of positive legacy I was hoping to leave here.”
She let out a huff, elbowing me lightly, but it was without the usual playful tone—her expression drawn tight, a distant look in her eyes. “Look, I’m not one to assign blame, but you should know I blame you. I mean… why the hell do you think I’ve been working all the time? I told you it’s to stop me from thinking. What do you think I’m thinking about?”
I looked away. Paisley didn’t let up.
“It’syou.I’m thinking about how you make me feel alive and feel like myself in a way I’ve never gotten anywhere else, and how I don’t… I don’t want to know what my life looks like without you in it.”
“Paisley—”
“I mean,sureI could go and find someone else or just be happy single orwhatever.And I could live life like that. And it could probably be fine. But nothing is going to fill that void you left by just… disappearing without a trace. Wiping me out of your life altogether and not even telling me why.” She stood up with a sigh, her shoulder slumped. “It’s one thing if you have to go and be happy somewhere else. But you’re not happy either. It doesn’t make any sense, Harper.”
“I’m—” I stood up with her, but that sad little look she gave me had me stilled before I could say another word.
“When I told you I love you,” she whispered, “I meant it. Every single time.”
I swallowed, a hot sensation pressing against me. My breath was tight in my throat, and I couldn’t form words. Paisley looked away.
“And I still do,” she whispered. “And the hardest part is… the hardest part is never knowing if you meant it too. And never being able to ask. No, this isn’t what I want to be. It’s what I have to be while I… while I get over you. I swear,” she said, picking the letter up off the table. “You’re the worst.”
I did mean it.I wanted to say it—put the words out there and make everything better—but it wasn’t right. It wasn’t me. I loved her, but… but it wasn’t me.
“I have heard that,” I said, trying to sound casual, looking away. “That I’m the worst.”
She stopped in the doorway, giving me that soft little sad smile that broke my heart even more. “You are. But I still love you. I, um… I know you’re probably leaving tomorrow… so I’m looking forward to dinner. Even though you’re the worst. And I’m going to take a shower at my house before we go.”
My chest tightened, an aching feeling there, but… it made sense Paisley would be able to read the thoughts coalescing in my heart before I even realized them. I swallowed, putting on a smile.
“Me too,” I said. “Even though I’m the worst. Have a nice shower. I’ll take one here and we can go.”
She smiled at me before she shut the door, leaving me alone in the living room, where the tree branches dressed in their dark red and gold autumn leaves rapped lightly against the window, drumming on like they were waiting for something, waiting for nothing, waiting for me.
Chapter 26
Paisley
I turned in front of the mirror, touching my hair. “How do I look?”
“You look good,” Emberlynn said, leaning back against the edge of my bed. “But you looked good in the last five outfits too. I think maybe you just need to commit to something.”
I took a stuffed lizard from the shelf and threw it at her. She barely even looked, just catching it absently. She and Aria had been playing tennis more lately, and I was having less and less luck throwing things at her. “Ugh, you don’t get it. This is serious stuff. I need to look extra, extra, extra good.”
She gave me a tired smile. “You’re going to have to tell me. You know what Harper likes better than I do. I’m still not sure why she’s in love with you.”
