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My head popped out of the top of the dress, and I, unfortunately, noticed that Kieran was still naked … I resented even more how much I wanted to stand here and peruse his entire body.
Wait. Had he been calling me his flower this whole time? My heart sputtered.
Fuck no. He was engaged to someone else, and worse, if one of us wasn’t guaranteed to die, he would have expected me to be fine with him banging her and having a child with her. My stomach churned again as I remembered how incredible I’d felt when he’d been inside my body.
Then it hit me. “If you won’t leave, I will. I’m going to find Curry.”
His nostrils flared. “Why would you go searching for that hothead?”
“You obviously thought I’d be fine with you sexing it up with Quinley. Since you’ll likely be doing that after I die tomorrow, I should go experience some variety as well. After all, it’s not important.” I was being a bitch, but I suspected this was the only way he’d understand even a sliver of my agony.
Hot rage and sharp pain that weren’t mine flooded me. Light-blue magic sparked at his fingertips, and his whole body tensed as if he were ready to fight me. He snarled, “If he even looks at you, I’ll kill him. If anyone looks at you in any way I don’t like, I will end their life. Make sure you understand the ramifications of your decisions.”
There it was. The understanding. But I hated that it came only after he’d considered the possibility of someone else being inside me. “It hurts, doesn’t it, even thinking about the possibility?”
He froze, the anger morphing into deep regret. His breath caught. “Alina?—”
“No.” I pushed my arms through the armholes of the dress, finally clothed. “Don’t Alina me. You made love to me and didn’t consider how I’d feel afterward, knowing you don’t belong to me.”
“Don’t belong to you?” He scoffed, marching toward me, eliminating the distance I so desperately needed. He gestured to the mark on his neck, which was back to its white color. “The fated-mate mark proves I belong to you more than anyone in this world! Not even a wife can claim such a deep connection.”
My soul tugged at me, trying to agree with him. Maybe the supernatural part of me did agree, but the human part I’d been raised with couldn’t accept it, so I let that part respond. “If you have a wife, can I sit next to you on the throne? Would our child be considered legitimate and an heir to the throne in the eyes of the fae?”
He flinched. “I want to have everything with you. That’s one reason that losing you the first time haunted me so much. If I hadn’t been so stubborn, we’d have had a chance to be together. This time, it seems Fate has been more cruel, bringing us together just for you to be part of the Comortas. If I hadn’t been so scared for my people and Brianne …” He ran his hands through his hair.
“Brianne?” When we’d talked before, he’d insinuated there was a reason he hadn’t wanted to be with me, and now he was throwing his sister into the mix. “What does she have to do with anything?”
“She’s not a full Winter fae, Alina. Honestly, that was the true reason I chose not to be with you before.” His shoulders sagged. “Her father was from the Summer Court, and if you and I had gotten together and your mother had learned of her heritage, I feared?—”
That she would use that information against Winter. Even without all my memories, I remembered she’d been warm and fun to play with but emotionally unavailable. She was all about appearances and making sure every decision strengthened Summer’s rule. “None of that matters now.” He kept going back to the past and reliving his decisions. “The past can’t be changed, but this lifetime, these moments, can.”
He exhaled. “I agree.” He touched my shoulders and continued, “So let’s enjoy every last moment we have together since they will be our last.”
Chest throbbing, I forced my legs to move backward, and his hands dropped from me. I already missed the sizzle between us. I shook my head. “Not with you promised to someone else. I can’t let that go, Kieran.”
“She means nothing to me. A mere means to an end. I can’t get out of my promise, no matter what I’d be willing to do to change it.” His forehead creased. “I thought you were dead. Had I known there was the faintest chance of you returning—” The regret and guilt emanating from him tightened my chest.
All the anger whooshed from me, leaving me exhausted. “I know.” I went back to him, cupping his cheek with my hand. The tingles zapped between us. He hadn’t been trying to be unfaithful. The fae couldn’t break a promise without losing their magic. If he lost his magic, what sort of life would be left for him? Our magic was part of us, part of what made us whole. “And I get that.” Without my righteous anger, my agony was more debilitating. I wanted to crumple to the floor and lie in the fetal position. “But that doesn’t change how I feel.”
“Summer’s sake, Alina. The tournament resumes in a little more than a day.” He wrapped an arm around me, pulling our bodies close. “And one of us is going to die. Why are we wasting our last bit of time together fighting? You said we were all in.”
He was right. I had. “Had I known about your promise, I would never have agreed to be all in.” I licked my lips, which still tasted of his cinnamon essence. “We can’t be together, not like this, and I’m sorry.” Letting my hand fall to my side had my stomach in knots. “I can’t share you, Kieran, and whether you understand or not, that’s exactly what you’re asking me to do.” I swallowed, preparing myself to say the next words. “Now, please leave.”
“Is that what you really want?” He lowered his head, staring into my eyes.
“No.” I couldn’t lie. “But it doesn’t matter what I want. I need you to tell me goodbye.”
His jaw twitched, and he snatched his clothes from the floor. I looked away, not wanting to see him dress. I could feel agony radiating from him, and unfortunately, it was as potent as mine. My chest ached so much that a jolt of pain shot through me with every breath. I wasn’t sure how I would survive this … survive losing him.
But I refused to fall apart because of a man. Loving and approving of myself was more important than a moment of pleasure, and surprisingly, it was my first life that taught me this lesson.
Even though I wasn’t watching him, I could feel each movement. Through our bond, I could sense his thoughts, feelings, and even his location in conjunction with me. I’d thought I’d been aware of him before, but that didn’t come close to the way I sensed him now.
I heard his belt fasten, and he moved toward the door. Beside me, he paused, and I could feel his gaze on my face.
Alina, he said in my head.
I shook my head. If he tried to convince me to let him stay, the situation would only escalate. We’d said everything we needed to say. I replied, I’m not mad anymore, nor do I hate you. I just can’t be with you like this. It’d be better if I was mad. I could hang on to rage to numb the pain. But the thing was that he hadn’t meant to do me wrong. In his mind, in this culture, he hadn’t. But when I’d flipped the situation, he’d understood where I was coming from and had felt just as awful about it. I’m sorry, but put yourself in my place. How would you feel?
