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“Not the way you’re thinking. But sort of? Elias kept me safe through it. We didn’t go all the way, though.”
“Mm-hmm,” she murmured, clearly not believing me.
“It wasn’t like that. We set limits ahead of time, and he kept his promise. It lasted for two days. Probably would have been longer if he hadn’t helped me. There may have been a good deal of screaming involved, so that’s why my throat is still a little raw.”
“I bet your twat is too.”
“Fuck’s sake, Adora,” I chided, turning my head and looking around the gardens. There wasn’t a person in sight, and I knew it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been having the conversation. It didn’t stop some strange feeling of embarrassment from crawling over my skin.
“What?” she asked. I could practically hear my sister shrug on the other line. I could picture her looking at her nails while she did it, twisting her lips. She’d act as though she didn’t notice you watching, all while a grin would be curling up one side of her face.
“I’m not saying I wouldn’t—maybe, probably—but it’s all so complex with crossing feelings with responsibilities,” I mumbled, my cheeks heating up. “And those feelings. What are they? Are they real or are they a result of having no options anymore because I’m, you know, mated and going to be his queen—and don’t even get me started on the complexities of that whole thing. Plus, there’s Markus?—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” my sister interjected. “What does he have to do with anything?”
I groaned, knowing how she was going to react. “He’s different here,” I said quietly. “And before you get your feathers all ruffled, I don’t want to be with him. That hasn’t changed. But he is starting to. Once we were out of Fire and Fluorite for a little bit, I started to see a few things about him I hadn’t before.”
Silence. She sniffed. “Such as?”
“For as awful as Mathis was in public, he didn’t go home to his family and suddenly become the doting father. We both knew who he took it out on behind closed doors. We’ve all seen the dead look in his mate’s eyes. What about his sons? It’s not news. It’s just easier to think about here. It’s easier to see when you look at him.” I paused, inhaling deeply before letting it sink in. “Markus was his target. I don’t know who he would have been under better circumstances in life, but I know it’s hard to be a better human when you’re raised by a monster.”
“You can’t be fucking serious right now,” she breathed.
“I know it sounds insane, but he apologized to me, Adora. And he meant it.” She snorted in derision.
“I don’t care,” she said flatly. “I’ll never forgive him for what he’s done to you. To us. I watched him break you down over and over, and we always put the pieces back together, but we were kids. We shouldn’t have had to.”
I pressed my lips together and exhaled. “I’m not forgiving him. I’m just letting it go. There’s a difference.”
“I can’t.”
I chuckled. “I don’t expect you to. In all reality, you’re my perfect other half. You hold grudges so I don’t have to.”
“Accurate.” She huffed a laugh, and we spent a moment sharing our agreement in a contented pause. “So answer me this. Why does he complicate things with your feelings-not feelings-maybe feelings with Elias?”
“Because I see him suffering with our bond, and the last thing I want to do is actually make him suffer more.” I heard an intake of breath, and I kept talking before she could interrupt me. “And before you say he deserves it—which I don’t disagree with—it makes my life more difficult. I need him to accept my rejection. Jealousy isn’t going to make that happen. I can’t entirely tell why he’s holding on to the mate bond, but if I can befriend him enough, maybe I can convince him to let me go. Then to counter that, Elias doesn’t want me spending time with him. He trusts Markus about as far as he can throw him.”
“Seems Elias and I have something in common,” she said.
“You two would get along, actually,” I commented. “You’re both hotheaded and you both want to throw Markus off a cliff.”
“Only because we love you,” she replied, raising her voice to a chipper tone.
“Ha,” I barked a laugh, shaking my head. “You do, yes. It’s not like that with Elias.”
“Oooh. Now I get it,” Adora murmured. “There’s the core of why it’s complicated. You have feeling-feelings. But he’s not into feelings.”
“Pretty much. He enjoys spending time with me, but even when we talk about whatever we are, he makes it clear it’s a business arrangement. So you see my dilemma,” I mumbled in return, cradling the phone against my shoulder. “But it’s honestly okay. This entire thing is one giant clusterfuck. Adding feelings to the mix? Nope. Not going to happen. It’s better off this way.”
“I know you don’t actually believe that,” she said. “I know you better than that. You don’t get a case of feelings and think it’s better for nothing to happen.”
“But nothing is going to happen. So isn’t it better to detach myself from the deeper part of it? Do what you would do and just enjoy the ride?”
“You aren’t me,” she countered. “And I don’t want you to be. Why don’t you just tell him?”
“Ha! Tell him I actually remember the heat and maybe some of the things I said were really me? That I wouldn’t mind something more happening between us?”
“Yes. Exactly that,” she deadpanned.
