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“At least to certain parts,” he compromises.
“You’re full of surprises,” I joke, and worry he’ll notice that I am avoiding looking in his eyes. I play it off like I’m engrossed in the television as he clicks play on the remote. Victor laughs and I somehow manage to get through the second movie before I beg out for the night and tell him I need to go to bed. I thought that would be my escape, but it’s not. Victor carries me to the bed and decides to sleep with me just like he did the night before. I want to scream at him that I have needs and just because he’s not attracted to me, doesn’t mean that I feel the same. I don’t because although I might have needs, the truth is, even if Victor liked me, I’m not sure I could be that way with him. I’m not sure I could with any man. Although, if I could it would be with Victor. God, I’m a mess—a mess that is in trouble.
I take a deep breath, letting Victor’s scent move around me, calming me. I can’t lose him, I just can’t. If all we can have is what we have right now, I need to somehow stop thinking of him like he’s supposed to be my man physically. Deanna was definitely right. I need to start dating. If I can find someone to see me as a woman, maybe that will be enough to dim this attraction to Victor so that I can be what he wants. I’ll always want him, but I need to bury my need for him. I have to, because the thought of trying to be physical with him and failing—losing him because I’m not whole—is out of the question. I need Victor in my life.
With my decision made, I decide that I’ll start while he is out of town. With any luck, it will help me to somehow be normalaround the man when he gets back. That’s my final thought as I drift off to sleep with Victor’s arm wrapped around my stomach and his fingers laced with mine—wishing he loved me the way I love him.
Did I mention I’m in trouble?
angelina
. . .
“Did you have a hard day?”
I stare at Victor’s text and sigh. He’s been gone for weeks. I miss him more than I thought was possible. The first week I thought I would die if I didn’t see him soon. I lived for his texts and even more when he would call me. Now, the second week is over and tomorrow will be three weeks. I’ve gotten used to being alone. I didn’t even call Victor back when I missed his call last night. I had my cellphone turned off and enjoyed girl’s night. It was a tame night with Emilia, who is pregnant and didn’t want to go out. Zoe was with Callan, and Melina was apparently unable to come, too. I missed them both, but I have to say that I was glad to have time with just Emilia. I really needed it. I even vented a little about Victor. She suggested that he might like me and that was the issue. I suggested she was insane. When I explained to her what he said about us not being friends, she got the strangest look on her face, but she finally let me change the subject.
It hurt not to call him back, but I know I needed to create some distance between us. I need to get stronger. My last session with Deanna was all about being more self-reliant and learning to stand on my own. Well, that and going out on dates. She’sinsistent that I need to start healing, and for some reason, dating is supposed to help in that. I think she’s the crazy one here, not me. Still, I do think being around other men might keep me from doing something stupid and ruining my friendship with Victor. He plans on keeping us in one another’s lives. I can’t see him as family and yet, he made it clear we’re not just friends—or rathernotfriends.
“It was fine.”
I grimace as I type in my response and send it. God, that sounds lame when I read it out loud. I sigh. Everyone knows that it’s not good when a woman uses the term fine. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I have to quit being so touchy. I need to learn to be more casual and natural when it’s about Victor. That’s the only way I’m going to survive whatever relationship he sees us having. I honestly have no idea what he was trying to explain and the more time that goes by, the more it hurts.
I literally jump on the bed and squeal, throwing my phone up in the air when it rings.Damn it.I fumble around and catch it after it rolls around against my fingers as I try to steady it. It doesn’t surprise me when I see it’s Victor. I close my eyes, squeezing them against the tension I suddenly feel in my body. The phone continues to ring and I let out a sigh.
“Hi, Victor.”
“What’s going on with you?” he asks. I can’t tell if he’s pissed or if he’s worried. It could be a mixture of the two. For some reason, that just depresses me more.
“Nothing. I’m just tired.”
“So, you did have a bad day,” he responds, his voice relaxing a bit.
“Not really. I told you I’m fine. Just a little cranky I guess.”
“Gia, you don’t get cranky. I haven’t seen that from you in all the time we’ve known one another.”
“Hmm…” I murmur, not really knowing what else to say.
“I miss you, Kitten.”
His words feel as if they crack my heart open. I clear my throat. “I…I miss you, too, Victor. Are you enjoying Greece?”
“Not even a little. I want to get home to you. What are you making for dinner tonight?”
Shit.That’s a question I didn’t really want him to ask. I am not sure how to answer it. I mean, it’s not like Victor should care what I’m doing tonight. I know that logically, but for some reason, I’m still worried about telling him. God, I’m crazy.
“I haven’t had dinner yet. I’m going out to eat,” I tell him. “I’m uh… I’m not sure where I’m going yet. I guess I’ll order something wherever I finally end up.”
I guess I’ll order something, geez. God, I’m an idiot.
“You should stay in. Zane is back in town. I can have him pick a pizza up for you.”
“That’s not necessary. I’m going to meet some friends. I’ll be fine.”
“Ladies night?” he says, and I can almost hear the smile in his voice. If I close my eyes—which I’m avoiding doing right now—I could see his smile and the way his dark eyes would light up.
“That was last night,” I murmur. “Everyone was busy except Emilia, so we just hung at her house and watched movies.”
