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What. The. Fuck.Panic rises in me, not at what they must be thinking of me right now, but at myself. When have I ever been jealous, or possessive? Never, because then that would mean a man could be possessive over me, feel he had some right to me, and I have never allowed that. So, why the hell am I sitting here saying words I have never imagined in my life flowing past my lips? Why the hell would I, should I care if they've brought other women here? I need to go. I've been here long enough, too long, if my thoughts are anything to go by.
"Am I supposed to take from what you just said that this will be happening again?" Jeremiah asks.
I should be rushing to say no, especially with all the confusing emotions rushing through me right now, but instead I hear my own voice saying, "Yes."
Jeremiah smiles. "Good. And you are the first woman we've ever brought here, and the first to lay in that bed."
Why does that make me feel so good? And then makes me feel so anxious?
"Will you stay?" Jeremiah asks.
"I don't think that's a good idea," I answer, my mind finally deciding to get a damn grip.
"Why is that?"
"I feel like we have to have some boundaries, if we're gonna continue doing this. Sex rarely stays just sex if it happensenough. Sleeping over would just...complicate things, and you're just tempting feelings to get involved."
Ezekiel just hums, and I take that as his agreement, but Jeremiah keeps pushing.
"Would that be so bad, for feelings to get involved?"
My mouth opens, and any, absolutely any other time, my answer would have been an immediate, definite yes, but in this moment, no sound leaves my mouth. It shocks me. It terrifies me. Why can't I say it? Why don't I want to say it?
"Yes," Ezekiel states.
That chills me. His one word leaves no more for interpretation. It's the exact answer I should have given, and yet, hearing it from him makes something inside of me that I refuse to acknowledge just yet wither in disappointment.
"It would be bad," he continues.
Jeremiah's eyes cut to him, a clear reprimand in his gaze, but Ezekiel just stares right back at him. It at least gives me time to come to my senses a little without their eyes on me.
"I, uh, I should go," I say, beginning to get out of bed. I bring the sheet with me, covering myself with it.
"Stay, please," Jeremiah softly says. "We'll leave. You'll have the room to yourself again like at the resort. Stay."
But I'm looking at Ezekiel out the corner of my eye because while it's clear Jeremiah wants me to stay, it's not so clear if Ezekiel does. Then, he's walking toward me, his face losing its sternness it had gotten while when he and Jeremiah were having some silent conversation. His hand reaches out, pulling the sheet down.
"Don't hide yourself from us," he tells me. "I'm sorry. A moment ago, that was all me and nothing to do with you. Please, stay."
What does he mean? What even was the look they shared a moment ago? And although I should be glad that he agrees that feelings have no place in what we're doing, I find myself wanting to demand he tell me why instead.
"We'll make you breakfast," Jeremiah offers.
"I'll even get you some doughnuts," Ezekiel throws in.
I glare at them. "That's not playing fair."
Jeremiah leans down to kiss me. "Goodnight."
Ezekiel kisses me too, his longer, maybe with an apology in it, although I don't truly know what he's apologizing for.
"Goodnight," he murmurs.
"Goodnight."
He closes the door behind him, and I fall back to the bed, reprimanding myself for staying, giving myself excuses for still being here, asking myself what the fuck is going on. I've never been so confused and yet, seemingly so content, in my confusion. Because that's something I am sure of, that I want to be here. I just have no idea why. Why them? Why now? Why is my heart suddenly changing all the rules when we promised to always abide by them so long ago? We made a vow and now my heart seems to be turning away from it every chance it gets. I don't like it...but I like them. Too much.
I move up the bed, lay on the pillow and hope that closing my eyes will quiet my mind. It doesn't. I'm up long enough that I give up on going to sleep and get up to go get my phone from my purse in the kitchen. I pick up my clothes from the floor as I walk down the hallway, distinctly noticing my panties are notamong them. As I reach the fifth step from the bottom, I hear Jeremiah's harsh words and they make me stop short.
