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I close my eyes again, the tears spilling over. Haven't I cried enough over him? Apparently not, because the tears keep coming. No matter how much I fight them. No matter how much I threaten my heart not to make me think of him again so that I have time to dry my eyes. No matter how many times I tell myself he's not worth a single tear. They come.
And she's right, I can't fully explain things to her. Why I feel his manipulation ran so deep. How a part of me is mad that he hasn't called or texted, even though I told him not to. What pain tore through me when I woke up Sunday morning to find every penny that I'd paid to the hospital back in my account. I'd told him we were done, to leave me alone. But seeing that money in there made me feel like he'd actually given up. And I hate how much that breaks my heart even more. But I can't say any of that.
"He hurt me," I croak, settling on those three words to sum up all the emotions running through me. "So badly. But I think, even more, I'm mad at myself because I knew better. I knew better than to trust him, to enjoy his smile, his laughs. I knew better than to..." My words cut off with my cracking voice.
"Than to love him," Charlotte quietly finishes for me. I nod, using my free hand to wipe tears away. "Have you told him?"
"No. And I never will."
"Never is a really big word, Soph."
"Imagine how big it feels repeating in my mind over and over."
"I'm sorry, Soph. I never want to see you hurt. But I also know Law makes you happy. So if he can make you smile much more than he makes you cry, maybe he deserves one more chance."
"No. Because he should have never made me cry at all."
Her eyes lower, then my own eyes are snapping to the door at it bursting open. It’s past eight at night, when it's usually quiet in this ward except for visitors finally leaving and the hum of multiple TV's. But now, Veronica stands in the door, her smile beaming, eyes alight.
I inhale a sharp breath, because could it be?
"They found you a donor!" she exclaims.
I scream, tightening my grip on Charlotte's hand, probably far too much.
"Oh my God." She begins crying. "Is this really happening?"
"It's happening!" Veronica shouts. "Okay. This is all going to seem like a whirlwind right now. The kidney is coming from across the state and should take about an hour, but we'll get you prepped before then. An operating room is being freed up for your surgery and then I'll come get you to take you down to the O.R."
"And this is a sure thing, right?" I ask. "It's hers. There's no way she's not getting this surgery tonight now that the kidney is on the way, right?"
"Unless something goes drastically wrong."
Not what I wanted to hear. Veronica walks over to us, puts a hand on both our shoulders. "Everything will be fine. That kidney is going to get here, on time, in perfect condition. The surgery is going to go great, and Charlotte will wake up whole again."
I nod and look at Charlotte. I can see she needed those words as much as me.
"So I'm going to get you a cap for your hair and just get everything together to have you ready to go when they call for you. This is it, girls."
She leaves and I look back at Charlotte. We squeal at the same time.
"You're getting a fucking kidney!" I shout.
"Oh my God, Soph. Now that it's here, I can admit that I didn't really ever believe I would get a transplant. It just seemed too... impossible."
"Did you think I was going to let you leave me? I would have carved someone's kidney out before I let you die, Charlotte."
Her brows furrow. "It's kind of sad, though. A kidney being on the way here means someone died."
"But in death, they're giving you a gift that's saving your life. Obviously, that’s what they intended."
She nods, gives me a tight smile. "I'm so scared, Soph. What if something goes wrong with the kidney, with the surgery? What if my body rejects it?"
"I would kill death before I let that bastard take you from me. If it makes you feel better, I can threaten the doctor before the surgery starts."
That gets a laugh out of her. "I don't need you saying something that makes his hands shaky, but thanks. Oh, we have to call Lexa."
I scoff. "She's at work, and you know how that asshole is about people not using their phones during their shifts. I'll text her anyway, though, so she sees it as soon as she gets off."
