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The implications ran through my mind, sending a wave of nausea rolling through me. We’d talked about Levi, about how I hadn’t been given all the details of his death. Why hadn’t Kyle told me then?
“I wasn’t trying to hide it. I was going to tell you.”
“Were you really? Because you’ve hadmonthsto tell me, and now…”
He was leaving in a few days. Was he ever really planning to tell me? In the grand scheme of things, this was such a simple issue. If he’d wanted to tell me all the details, great. If not, I could’ve lived with that too. I’d lived this life for over a decade. I understood the limitations. I couldn’t count the number of times something bad had happened on a deployment and Levi couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to me about it. But for Kyle to wittingly hide the fact that he was there? That he’d known Levi? Why the big secret? That was the part I was struggling to understand.
Kyle
She was right. I’d had plenty of time to tell her. But it never seemed like therighttime.
“I thought about it. So many times.”
Her brows furrowed. Doubt and confusion were written all over her features. I didn’t blame her. All I could do now was apologize and hope she would forgive me. I refused to walk away without at least trying to make this right.
“But every time I thought about it, it didn’t feel right or something got in our way.”
Her lips formed a tight line. “Surely you could have found time.”
Again, true. I sighed. “Maybe. It’s hard for me to eventhink about it, let alone talk about. It was by far one of the worst moments of my life.”
“It wastheworst moment of mine.” Her mouth turned down into a frown. I hated it. She rarely looked sad like this. And I was the cause.
“I know.” I swallowed hard. “Before that day on the lake, I had no idea how to approach you or what I would say. After that…I convinced myself there was no reason to burden you with knowing I was the reason he didn’t live.”
Her forehead creased more in confusion. “So you thought it was better to take the choice away from me?”
I winced. Because, fuck, that was exactly what I had done. Even if that hadn’t been my intention.
“No.” I shook my head. “I realized you deserved to know, but I struggled to find the right time. The right words.” I wanted to reach out and pull her to me, but her arms were still crossed, and she wouldn’t meet my eyes. “It’s not an excuse. None of it is. I should have tried harder. I’m sorry, Tina.”
We stood there, me with my heart lodged in my throat, looking for any sign that she might forgive me. She didn’t seem angry, more shell-shocked. Finally, I couldn’t take the awkward silence. I needed to know where we stood.
“Are we…”
She finally looked up at me, her expression blank.
“Are we good?”
I didn’t know what I was looking for. There were so many other words on the tip of my tongue. But none of them would carry any weight if we couldn’t move past this part first.
“I don’t know.” Her response was so quiet that if I hadn’t been listening for it, I might have missed it. “Does it really matter, though?” This time she squared her shoulders, and her words were loud and clear.
“What?” Because yes it fucking did matter. She mattered. I needed us to be okay.
“You’re leaving for New York in five days.” Her tone was eerily calm.
The reminder that I wasn’t staying was like a punch to the gut, making it hard to breathe. I didn’t give a shit about the job in that second. All I cared about was making things right between us. I couldn’t understand how she was so calm about me leaving when my whole body was rebelling at the idea.
“That was always the plan, wasn’t it?” She dropped her chin and looked away again. “So it doesn’t really matter if we’re good.”
Yes, I understood that was the plan, but what the fuck? It did matter. It mattered to me. I opened my mouth to say exactly that, but she cut me off.
“You should go.” She waved to the front door. Noise down the hallway drew her attention, and when she turned back to me, her eyes were pleading. “Please, Kyle. You need to leave before the kids see you. They’ll be confused about why you’re not staying for dinner, and I don’t have it in me to explain to them right now.”
Fuck. I wanted to stay for dinner. With her. With them. But I had taken her choice away when I decided not to tell her about Levi, regardless of my misguided intentions and need to protect her. I still should have told her as soon as she’d moved to Half Moon Lake. Now I needed to respect her decision. Even if it killed me.
But I couldn’t leave until she knew everything.
