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Esme raised her head, her eyes bright with tears. “I’ve never told anybody before. It’s something I can’t forgive myself for, especially since I had Hamish, because I can’t help thinking what that child would have been like if I’d gone ahead with the pregnancy. But at the time, I couldn’t see that I had any other choice. Joseph was only twenty-three, he wanted us to get married, have the baby—it was an impossible situation. In the end he supported me in my decision; he came with me to the clinic and looked after me afterward. And then, when he felt I was better, he left. I didn’t see him again until a few months ago, at my parents’ house.”
“What happened?” Iris asked.
“Even though we’d both moved on, because nearly a decade had gone by, and I was married, we hit it off straight away. He told me he’d had a couple of long-term relationships and admitted that it was his alcohol problem that had caused them to end. He’d also crashed his car while drunk and had lost his job as a result. He’d—”
“That must have been a blow,” Iris interrupted quickly, seizing the opportunity to find a way into what Gabriel wanted to know. “Where was he working?”
“For Jarmans, landscaping the grounds of a public school.”
“Which one?”
Iris sensed her hesitate. “St. Cuthbert’s.”
“St. Cuthbert’s? Wasn’t that the school Charlie Ingram went to?”
“Yes, but Joseph didn’t know him.”
“It’s strange he’s never mentioned to Gabriel that he worked there when he knows it was Gabriel who found Charlie.”
“Probably because he didn’t want to upset him. We all know Gabriel doesn’t like talking about it. Anyway,” Esme said. “After he lost his job, Joseph went back to live with his mum, and my dad, seeing what a mess he was in, gave him a job. But after the incident with the gas bottle, my parents didn’t want the responsibility of him anymore—they’re in their late seventies and don’t need the worry—so my dad asked if I’d be interested in having Joseph over to sort out the garden, and also to get him away from some friends of his who he felt were a bad influence. I called Hugh, told him about Joseph, said he was a recovering alcoholic who needed a place to stay for a while, and he agreed to give him a job.”
“Do your parents know that you and Joseph were in a relationship all those years ago?” Iris asked, her heart still racing from the news that Joseph had worked at the same school as Maggie Ingram.
Esme shook her head. “No.”
“And you didn’t mention it to Hugh?”
“No. In retrospect, I should have, because if I had, Hugh would still have allowed Joseph to stay, because if he’d refused, it would have been as if he was saying that he didn’t trust me. But I didn’t want him worrying that something was going on every time I spoke to Joseph, so I decided to say nothing. I knew Joseph wouldn’t be with us forever, and neither he nor I have any problem with each other. There’s nothing between us anymore, except for friendship and the memory of our unborn baby.”
“That can’t be easy.”
“It isn’t. When we met up again, he didn’t mention it so I thought that he’d forgotten about it, or at least put it from his mind. When he saw that I was pregnant, he just asked the normal questions about when the baby was due. It was only a week or so later that I realized how much he was still affected by it.”
“Why, what happened?”
Esme got up and walked to the window, then stood looking out at the garden for a moment. “I was upstairs in the bedroom when Hughcame to tell me that he thought Joseph had been drinking. Apparently, he’d asked him to do something in the garden and when he saw it hadn’t been done he went to find Joseph, who spun him some yarn about not feeling well. Hugh reckoned he was hungover and I was really disappointed, because Joseph had been doing so well and hadn’t touched a drop for weeks. So I went to see him.” She paused a moment. “Hugh was right, Joseph had been drinking, and I was really angry with him, I told him he had let himself, and my dad, down. And that’s when he told me that the news of my pregnancy had really upset him because he’d never stopped thinking about the baby we might have had.” She turned to face Iris. “It’s strange, isn’t it, the way people presume men are less affected by abortions and miscarriages than women. Although Joseph had spent a long time making sure I was okay after the abortion, I had given very little thought to how he might be feeling. Do you know what he told me? That all those years before he’d calculated approximately when the baby would have been born and that every year since, on the twenty-ninth of March, he’s imagined what it would be like to have a two-year-old, or a four-year-old, or a seven-year-old, and so on. I felt so sad, and guilty, because he had thought about our baby more than I had.” She moved back to the sofa and sat down. “He’s never had a child and he’s always longed for one. So I can understand why my pregnancy destabilized him. Anyway, we talked for ages and he promised that he wouldn’t start drinking again. As far as I know, he hasn’t. I think the fact that I allowed him to be involved with my pregnancy helped. You know, he liked to put his hand on my stomach and feel the baby kicking, and sometimes, when I was lying down, he would lay his head on my stomach to see if he could hear him moving. But only when no one was around, because it could have looked a bit strange.”
“Yes, I don’t think there’re many women who would let a man other than their husband lay their head on their pregnant stomach,” Iris said. “As long as he doesn’t start thinking of Hamish as his.”
“No, of course he won’t. But as he was there at the birth, he’sobviously going to feel a connection with him, which is why we asked him to be Hamish’s godfather.” Esme stopped. “You’re frowning again.”
“I just think that if Hugh knew about your past relationship with Joseph, he might not be so keen on him being the godfather, that’s all.”
Esme raised her eyebrows. “I can’t imagine Hugh being that petty.”
“You’re right, of course,” Iris said hastily.
“We’d like to have the christening quite soon,” Esme chattered on. “We’ve spoken to the vicar and we’re thinking Sunday the second of October. Would that work for you? And Beth? We’d love her to be there, but I know she’ll only just have left for university. Do you think she’ll be able to come back for it?”
Iris made a quick calculation—just over three weeks away—and gave Esme a smile. “That should be fine.”
54
“Joseph did work at St. Cuthbert’s,” Iris said, handing Gabriel a glass of wine. “I asked Esme. I also asked her why Joseph had never mentioned it to you and she said he probably hadn’t wanted to upset you.”
Gabriel supposed it was a reasonable explanation. He still didn’t like that Joseph had lied to his face—but hadn’t he himself lied to Maggie?
He took a sip of wine. “How’s Esme?”
