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“I think some people like the control.”
“And that’s what you think Rhiannon was trying to do? Control me?”
“Well, she certainly didn’t want you to bebetterthan she was. Or gain an advantage.”
“She got me my job. She used that in the argument, actually. Like shesavedme.”
“It’s like you were her project. Like she was going to make you better. But instead, she just kept you down.”
“She’s had a hard life, though,” Lenna protested, trying to walk the conversation back.
“Everyone has had a hard life!” Gillian railed. “We can’t all go around using that excuse!”
A lump formed in Lenna’s throat. Gillian was right. Lenna never used her mother’s death to justifyherbad behavior. She thought about when Rhiannon chose to disclose her past, too—right before she told her that Lenna’s ideal job had been filled. Was there intention behind this? Had she made herself vulnerable to Lenna to soften her up emotionally, so that Lenna would say yes to anything, even something that was a little bit beneath her goals? She felt her hand form a fist.
“Rhiannon’s mother killed her brother,” Lenna blurted. “And set out to kill her, too. In a car crash, off a bridge.” She explained, too, about the moment Rhiannon chose to tell her this, and maybe her motive.
But Gillian stopped and gave Lenna a strange look. “That didn’t happen.”
Lenna felt shaken. “Are you saying she’slying?”
“I’m saying she’s way too well-adjusted to have survived something like that.”
“Yeah, but…” Lenna couldn’t fathom Rhiannon making that up.
Gillian stared into the middle distance. “It’s pretty amazing what people will lie about.” Then she shrugged. “But whatever.Maybe it is true! My point is, it’s still no excuse to be a controlling dick.” She took a breath. “Sorry. I’m not trying to turn you against her. I’m just trying to get you to see clearly. I care about you. I feel like we really get each other.”
“Yeah,” Lenna said softly. Because Gillian did get her. She saw Lenna’s awkwardness. She saw Lenna’s hunger. She saw the true Lenna more than Rhiannon did, in a lot of ways.
With that, she felt a burst of magnanimousness. Lenna wanted to be as good a listener to Gillian as Gillian was to her. “So!” she said. “Let’s change the subject. What’s going on with you? I’ve been blathering on about all of my stuff.”
Gillian sighed. “Things with Sadie are really going downhill.”
“You’re still fighting?”
“All the time.”
“Just about house stuff, or…?”
For a few moments, the only sounds were their sneakers on the asphalt. Then Gillian said, “Sadie wants to have a baby.”
Lenna stared at her shoes, trying to figure out which questions to ask. Gillian filled in the blanks. “On her own. Through fertility treatments. She’s ready, but it complicates her and me. Since I live with her and all.” She made a face. “Not sure I want a baby around, you know?”
“You’ll have to move, I guess.”
Gillian’s face clouded. “Irealizethat.” Then she sighed. “If only the procedure, like, somehow didn’t work. Like if our refrigerator went on the fritz and the medications went bad, or if there was a mistake and they were somehow filled with water instead of actual drugs.”
Lenna turned to her. “But if she really wants a baby…”
“Iknow,” Gillian said sharply, suddenly. “God. I’m just talking out loud. And…I just want things to go back to the way they were, you know?”
Lenna did know. She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry. It sucks. You feel like she’s abandoning you.”
“Totally,” Gillian said miserably.
They passed a woman walking three little dogs. Then Gillian shifted awkwardly. “What’s going to happen when Rhiannon comes back?”
“What do you mean?”
