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Sheisa child.
My anger grows at the unwanted reminder of how different we are. There’s already so much working against us and I can’t seem to keep my head level enough to do us any favors.
Stopping just shy of the doorway, I pound on the wood. “Open the door Avamarie.” I demand, holding my breath as I wait for a response. I’m met with nothing but silence. Slamming my knuckles harder, I growl, “Avamarie. Open this door. Right fucking now.” My heart races as the silence continues, a heaviness settling onto the overworking organ. “Fine. I’m coming in.” I warn, reaching down and twisting the knob.
I cover my mouth and nose with my free hand as the door creaks open. A pungent stench emanates from the dark space, making it obvious she hasn’t left the small room since I last saw her.
“Avamarie?” I call into the darkness, noting her still form on the bed. Taking a tentative step inside, I look around. There are clothes and trash strewn about the room, a familiar scene to when I discovered her last emotional breakdown.
Creeping closer to the bed, I feel a sickening apprehension form. “Baby girl?” I murmur as I come up beside her. She doesn’t move, curled up underneath the blanket. I reach forward and brush my hand across her forehead, finding a sheen of sweat across her skin. Kneeling down, I push back her hair and see something on the side of her mouth. I look closer, my chest tightening as I realize it’s vomit.
Something’s wrong.
Gently shaking her shoulder, I attempt to rouse her. “Firecracker?” Silence. “Baby girl?” She still doesn’t respond,not so much as a noise. “Avamarie?” I call, my voice growing panicked.
When I am still met with silence, I push her onto her back, noticing the large pool of puke on the pillowcase and something poking out below the pillow. With one hand still holding onto her, I fumble under the pillow and grab hold of the small container. Squinting in the dark, I can almost make out the words but not quite. My stomach drops as my brain connects the scene before me with the bottle in my hand.
No.
I refuse to believe it, there’s no way.
She wouldn’t.
I’m hit with the realization that I don’t know this girl, not really. Not in the ways that matter.
Panic settling into my bones, I leap up and begin the familiar process of CPR. So many things about this moment feel similar but so incredibly different.
Come on baby girl. Don’t leave. Please don’t leave me.
Tears that I didn’t know I could still produce flow down my cheeks as I apply compressions to her chest in between forced breaths, not caring about the dried vomit on her chin and mouth.
It doesn’t matter. None of it matters if I can’t get her back.
Please don’t leave me.
Chapter 29
Avamarie
I groan as I come to. It takes me a moment to realize that I’m awake. Blinking my eyes open, I wince at the bright fluorescents.
Where am I?
My eyes move across the space and I’m startled to find myself in a hospital bed.
What happened?
I wrack my groggy brain, trying to remember. When my eyes land on Killian’s sleeping form, everything floods back. Gasping, I cover my mouth with my hands.
What did I do?
Tears well in my eyes as the pain returns in full force, memories overtaking me.
I hold onto the small bottle, old feelings I haven’t had in years beat against me, threatening to drown me in their intensity. Hiccuping a sob, I cover my mouth with one hand.
It would be better if I just ended it.
I try to fight against the thought but I can’t anymore. It’s been days of it endlessly repeating, reminding me how worthless I am. How no one cares about me. Not really.
