AllFreeNovel
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"It happened in December. We always spent time in the woods, and this time was like all the rest, nothing new to report. We walked down to the lake which was our usual spot as we liked to see how far we could skate on our shoes. Or we often bowled. We were skating, laughing, enjoying it… there was no warning... not until Amy fell through the ice.”
An ice-cold dread drops into my chest because I feel like I'm there, reliving it all with him. I want to touch him, to reassure him that I’m here, but he’s so lost in the memory that I’m not sure he feels me here.
"One minute she was there and the next she was gone. I've never felt fear like it. I can't explain it. I couldn't breathe. I didn't shout. It was like my voice had left me... but, God, I remember the silence." He tilts his head like he can hear it now. "I haven't heard silence like it since. Matt looked at me, and even though it was quick, hazel eyes flashed with his plan, I knew what was going to happen."
I hold my breath, my heart pounding so hard I’m sure he can hear it.
"I watched him skid towards the hole. He'd shouted at me, but the words hadn't reached through the cotton wool houndingmy ears. I know what he'd shouted, those words have haunted my dreams ever since. My name, and then he'd told me to run for help."
I watch the tear trickle down his cheek, I wish I could take it all away.
"Those are the last words he said to me." He shakes his head and becomes aware of the tears, wiping at them. "I watched, as frozen as the lake, as Matt took off his jacket and looked at me before he disappeared into the black. That's the last time I saw my brother alive. I can't remember the last thing I’d said to him, but he must have been so scared. I hate that his life was cut so short at fourteen and he’s still the bravest person I’ve ever known."
I’d asked myself the same thing with Dad. Why does it become so important to know that last interaction, almost like it tethers you to them, like they haven’t really left you.
"My brother. The superhero. And I couldn't even run for help."
"Austin, you were young. Nobody knows what to do in those situations," I soothe.
"He did, and I didn't listen to him. I ran to the hole, looking at the water, but it was so dark. I can still bring up the memory of the moon reflecting my face right back at me. I was so white...and then I saw the bubbles. The water, God, the water had been so cold. You know onTitanicwhen Jack says it's like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body? It's true, you can't think...I've never felt cold like it as I plunged my hands into the darkness. I grasped at nothing for what seemed like hours, and then I felt it. I pulled. I pulled so fucking hard until I heard the ice moaning underneath me and felt like I was going down with my siblings. Amy finally emerged and I dragged her onto the ice. Her face… it was so blue, I already thought she was dead."
He flops back onto the pillow, both his hands scrubbing at his face. "I don't know how but I'd pulled her from the hole, she was a dead weight in her clothes. I realized pretty quickly that she wasn’t breathing so I began gasping life into her, pumping her chest like they’d showed us in class. I didn't know if I was doing it right, but I think luck had been on my side that night. I'd taken Matt's..." His words end on a sob. "Matt never came back up. He never came back..."
He takes a moment, breathing as though he’s cold, and I want to cover him, bring him warmth.
“They eventually found him, the cops, diving teams, so we had him back. The funeral, God… all of his friends… it was like he’d impacted the entire school, there were so many of them there.”
I take his face in my hands and force him to look at me. "If you'd left and got the help, Amy wouldn't have had you there when she'd needed you. Who would have pulled her out of the water?"
Austin shakes his head. "I didn't save her. She’s never been the same, not since that day. She's deaf because of me. The cold, an infection, robbed her of her hearing."
"Austin-"
"In one night, I lost a brother, my sister loses her hearing, and nothing happens to me..."
"Nothing happened to you?" I argue. "Everythinghappened to you because you were the easiest one to blame following the tragic accident. Austin, Matt died, Amy lost her hearing, your parents can’t blame them, so you have shouldered that for most of your life. You’re the one living with the guilt and I can imagine that Matt would have done the same thing again, that Amy would rather be deaf than dead. One night. One day. That's all it takes, and then your life changes forever. Everything changed for you, Austin,"
"Thank you for understanding." He sighs. “I’d worried that you’d see me differently once you knew…”
"Austin,” I murmur. “I see you, and I don’t see anything different to what I always have. You can't blame yourself anymore. They should have been responsible for you, and maybe they feel guilty because they shouldn't have let you play on a lake in winter."
"I'm sorry you had to hear everything on the podcast."
I shake my head. “Harry is a dick, he needs to apologise to everyone, you don’t owe anyone an apology, or an explanation.” I lean in closer, brushing away the tears that continue to fall, and I'm not sure he knows. "You’re where you’re meant to be, the water is your passion, and going back onto the water after that night is very brave, Whitlock.”
His jaw pulses. "Call me that again."
I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m soothing him in a very different way. Three times in one afternoon is clearly not enough. “Whitlock,” I murmur.
"I like hearing it leave your lips," he growls.
"I like saying it..." I admit.
Austin leans in, tasting me, stripping me of all my worries when it comes to the elite. "Thank you."
"Any time.”
"You're staying," he tells me, a quirk of his brow in invitation to see if I will argue.
