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My conversation with her keeps running through my mind, and I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong. Should I have leaped at her and pulled her away from the ledge the moment I saw her sitting there? Something told me she would’ve simply jumped immediately had I tried, but I wish I’d done it anyway. The outcome couldn’t have been worse than it is now — with my best friend’s body somewhere at the bottom of the river, while dozens of divers try to find her.
Does Zane know? He must’ve been informed by now. Is he as heartbroken as I am? Did he ever love her the way she clearly loved him? My fingers trail over the wall filled with pictures of Lily and me, our life displayed in chronological order, each memory more painful than the last.
I tense when I notice an envelope on the table we sat at when we tried out a Ouija board and freaked ourselves out at age fourteen, only to drown our fears by taking our first ever shots. It’s where we shared meals and played games, where we studied together, and opened our college admission emails.
I pick up the letter with shaking hands, recognizing her beautiful handwriting. She always made the C in my name look so pretty, and I clutch it to my chest, unable to open it, unable to even see through my tears. I know what this letter is, and I can’t bear myself to face the truth. That she’s gone — that she knew she wouldn’t make it back from that bridge.
I sink to the floor, holding a small part of her to me as I silently beg for this all to be a bad dream, for them to find her alive and well, despite all the time that’s passed.
My entire body shakes from the force of my sobs as I open the envelope, the paper nearly slipping out of my hands twice as I unfold it.
Dear Celeste,
If you’re reading this, I succumbed to my shame and left you here all alone — in this place where we created some of my most precious memories.
You’re probably crying, aren’t you? Please don’t — I promise I’m not worth your tears. No one is, Celeste. There isn’t a person in this world that deserves you, and I know I certainly never did.
You saved me, and instead of repaying you, I betrayed you. Is it selfish that I’m glad I won’t have to see the betrayal in your eyes?
Yeah, it definitely is, isn’t it?
I am sorry, Celeste. More than you’ll ever know. If I could turn back time and undo what I’ve done, I would. I wish I hadn’t been so foolish, so tempted by the illusion of happiness. I never meant to hurt you, never meant to deceive both myself and you.
If I could make one last wish, it’d be to earn your forgiveness while taking Zane Windsor to hell with me. I hope one day, he’ll understand what it’s like to lose everything you hold dear in life, to look around and find the broken pieces of your heart in each place that had become meaningful simply because of the memories you made there.
You’ll never know how sorry I am, Celeste. I know I couldn’t have atoned in this lifetime, no matter what I did, but I hope you rest easy knowing I’ll be punished for my sins where I am now. I know what you’re like, and I know you’ll wonder if there’s anything you could’ve done, if any part of you is to blame. I need you to know that this was all me — you were not at fault, not in any way.
There is nothing you could’ve done to stop this, to save me. I was beyond saving long before I wrote this letter, and part of me knew it — it’s why I began to avoid you and came up with excuses each time you wanted to see me. I’m a coward, Celeste. Right till the end. I couldn’t face you, you know? I couldn’t look into the eyes of the woman I loved more than any other and pretend I wasn’t praying for your heart to break.
I hope you find the happiness you deserve and the kind of love people write books about. You deserve no less than an epic kind of love — one that’s untainted by the painful history you shared with Zane, one I’ve undoubtedly added to.
You are magic, Celeste. Don’t you ever forget it.
I love you
- Lily
My tears fall onto the paper, causing the ink to blotch in a few places, and that only makes me cry harder. I press Lily’s letter to my chest, grief swallowing me whole. My mind is reeling to a point where I haven’t even been able to think about Zane yet, and everything I’ve learned about him, aboutus.
“Oh god, Lil,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “Please.” I desperately beg every god in existence to bring her back to me, knowing deep down that it’s futile. I’m shaking so hard I barely manage to pull myself back onto my feet, needing another piece of her, something that’ll keep me close to her.
My eyes settle on her journal, and I reach for it with trembling hands. I know I shouldn’t read it, but I can’t stop myself. Perhaps it’s because part of me is in disbelief. Despite everything, I’m hoping that it’s all one big misunderstanding, that Zane never cheated on me, and that I didn’t lose my best friend in the process, that the future I thought lay ahead of me isn’t built on lies.
I open it on a random page toward the end and nearly close it straight away, my lungs burning and my vision blurry.Dear Mom,it reads. I’d forgotten — Lily always addressed everything in her diary to her mother. Reading this feels like the worst violation of her privacy, yet I can’t help myself. I need to know, I need to see what transpired between her and Zane, and I need to hear it from Lily. I flick through the pages until I find the start of the end.
Dear Mom,
I didn’t think I’d get the job after getting so many rejections, but I did. Can you believe it? I got a job offer from Windsor Hotels. You’d be so proud of me if you were here — I just know it! I wouldn’t admit this to anyone but you, but they’re the biggest and best company around. I’m nervous about telling Celeste.
Do you remember Zane Windsor from high school? Well, he’s the one who owns the company. The hatred between Zane and Celeste is unfathomable, and it feels like I’m betraying her if I accept, even though she was the one who told me to apply. I think she was just as hurt as I was when I received a rejection from Harrison Developments, you know? She looked devastated, and I just didn’t know what to do, couldn’t make it better. I’m worried she only told me to apply at WH because she felt guilty and knew it was my last option, but she doesn’t actually want me working there.
How could she, Mom? Zane bullied her for years — really bullied her. I told you about it, didn’t I? It wasn’t mere teasing, he was relentless. Everything she did, he criticized, right down to her looks, like she could even help having braces. I hated him as much as she did, and part of me still does.
If you’d been there, you’d have wanted to hug Celeste tightly, like I did. I can’t count the number of times I had to dry the tears he caused. So many times, I’ve come close to just slapping that smug smile off his face. How am I supposed to work for him now? I don’t know what to do, Mom. I wish you were here to advise me.
My stomach knots, my discomfort caused by how eerily similar her feelings were to mine. I flick through, needing to know when that hatred turned into more. What did I miss? How did I fail to notice my best friend falling for my boyfriend?
Dear Mom,
