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I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in a while. The truth is I was ashamed to update you on my life, because I’m not sure how you’d feel about my actions lately. I’m not even sure how I feel about it myself.
Remember when I told you that Zane has been incredibly friendly and attentive at work? In that regard, nothing has changed. He still has me working on every project that he’s personally on and he still mentors me himself, but… well, I don’t know how to put this, to be honest, because it’s something I find hard to believe myself.
Zane Windsor has been flirting with me ever since we started working on the Bellevue project together. It was gradual, and I can’t exactly pinpoint when his behavior went from friendly to flirtatious. For a couple of weeks at the start of the project, he seemed oddly upset, angry even. I did my best to cheer him up, making the silliest jokes — just the way I would with Celeste. We quickly became friends, and it wasn’t meant to turn into more. But then one night, he seemed so incredibly sad that I offered to have dinner with him as a way to break up the endless work still ahead of us that evening. Perhaps it was then that everything changed.
I made him laugh, made him forget about whatever had upset him so much, and the way he looked at me changed. Now, when he says my name, there’s a softness to it that’s hard to ignore.
How could I go there, when this is the man that brought Celeste such torment, right? But he’s changed, Mom. The man he is today? That man is irresistible. I think you’d like him if you met him today — it’s like he’s an entirely different person. He’s so kind and thoughtful. Yesterday, he brought me flowers from his mother’s observatory and asked me out on a lunch date. I said yes. I haven’t told Celeste, though. I don’t think I should. It would upset her, and I don’t know… part of me wants to keep this version of him to myself. She wouldn’t understand, and I don’t want to have to defend myself. Is that wrong? If you were here, would you tell me off? I promise you’d understand if you spoke to him, Mom.
I check the date, my stomach twisting violently. This was when we weren’t speaking, after the blind date Mom arranged for me. In the time it took me to tell Lily about our kiss, he took her out on a date.
Dear Mom,
Today, Zane and I were both working late. He kept glancing over, making sure I was okay, and it was just adorable. He’s so thoughtful. It’s in the little things with him, like bringing me coffee when I have a lot of work to do and remembering how I take it. Staying late with me, even though he could easily work from home. We have lunch together almost every day now, and I really like him. I don’t know what to do. Would it be okay to give in? I’ve never felt this way before. I think… I think this is happiness. This type of joy? It isn’t something I’ve felt since you were taken from me, Mom. I’m so desperate for more of the way he makes me feel. If you were here, would you tell me to go for it? To chase after my own happiness for once?
A new kind of grief racks my body, sending a fresh wave of tears flowing from my eyes. This was when she started to tell me work kept her busy. It was just a few weeks before I bought my house, and I’d started to feel like we were growing apart. While I was falling for Zane, she was too.
Dear Mom,
I’m blushing just writing this, and I’m not sure if this is too much information to share with you, but I’d like to imagine that we’d have had more of a sisterly bond if you were still here with me. We would, wouldn’t we?
You’re the only one I can tell. Celeste would hate me if I admitted to this, but after today’s meeting, Zane and I were the only ones left. He lingered, the most patient and kind smile on his face as I gathered all the meeting materials. Just before I could walk out, though, he grabbed my hand and pulled me against him.
Mom, the way he kissed me… I’ve never felt anything like it. My body just melted, and his touch was so all-encompassing. Is that even a word? I think it is. I’m falling in love, aren’t I? I’m falling for my best friend’s enemy, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I can stop.
I begin to feel sick. They kissed in the time Zane and I weren’t speaking? I spent all my time thinking about him, unsure whether to reach out, when he… I try my hardest to draw a full breath and fail, succumbing to the endless sobs that seem to rise from my broken heart. I almost want to stop reading, but I can’t.
Dear Mom,
Celeste told me she kissed Zane. I was so stunned that I couldn’t do anything but stare at her. At first, I thought she was joking, you know? The Zane I know never would’ve done that — we’ve been seeing each other for weeks.
I asked Celeste some more questions, and it sounded like that kiss happened quite some time ago. Before us. She seemed upset because they’d argued again afterward, and I told her to just talk it out with him.
I figured that he’d tell her what I can’t — that it was a momentary lapse in judgment, an aftereffect of their rivalry. I hope she gets over it once she speaks to him. That look in her eyes when she spoke of him? It’s what I see in the mirror every day.
Mom, I’m scared he was just using me to get over her. I think she was the reason he was so upset, the reason he sought me out at all. I was probably the closest thing to her he could get.
I bite down on my lip until I draw blood, my heart pounding wildly. I called him because she’d told me to, and when he came over, I… it was me who pulled him close. He told me he wanted to be mine, but he’d already been taken. Back then, I’d wondered if it was all a scheme. Was it?
Dear Mom,
I’ve picked up my pen to write this letter to you so many times, but each time, my words fail me. I came straight here from Celeste’s house, and I’m honestly still processing what she told me.
Mom, she said she’s dating Zane. How could that be possible?
I’m scared, because despite it all, I don’t want to confront Zane. I don’t want what we have to end, and if I say anything at all, it will. If given a choice between Celeste and me, any man would choose her. She’s beautiful, smart, and so sweet. Mom, is it possible to love someone with all your heart but hate them too? I tried to warn her away, reminded her of their past, but I’m worried it didn’t help. I actually begged her not to fall for him, and I’ve never felt more pathetic.
I just don’t understand. Zane stopped working overtime with me, probably because he’s spending his evenings with Celeste now, but he still treats me with that kind of intimacy that makes me feel so special. We went on several work trips in recent weeks when he was supposedly already dating her, and the dates we’ve been on during those trips are endless — so many walks on the beach and romantic dinners, and then there’s the way he’d call me into his room late at night…
Am I crazy for wanting to hold on to this happiness despite everything? Even if it’s true, Celeste and Zane couldn’t possibly last. Their families won’t allow it. Perhaps this is just something she needs to get out of her system, and once she does, everything can go back to normal.
I hope it does.
I can’t lose him, Mom, but I can’t lose her either.
The page is marred by her tear stains, and they mingle with my own. I trace over Lily’s words with my fingers, thinking back to that night. We’d been on the sofa, not having seen each other for several weeks. I told her everything, and she did beg me not to fall for him. She reminded me of every single reason it could never work, and I thought she’d merely been worried about me. I failed to see the signs. If I had, would she still be here with me today? Would I have walked away from Zane? Or would I have done what she did, and turned a blind eye?
I draw a shaky breath as I think back to the way Zane told me he hadn’t slept with anyone but me. Just how many lies did he tell me? How far did his deception go?
