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Everything within me wants to say them back, but I can’t get the words out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We’re more connected than I ever thought possible, and I still can’t get the words out. Am I broken? The thought of losing her rips my soul to pieces, and still, I can’t get the words out.
She pulls me down to her to kiss her again, allowing me a reprieve, allowing me to not say anything. We lie in each other’sarms for a few more minutes, our hearts beating as one. I pull from her, instantly feeling the loss. I then stand and carry her in my arms to the shower, turn it on, then stand beneath the spray with her.
I take my time and wash every inch of her skin, her back to me as I slide my hands over her breasts, her stomach, her thighs. We don’t make love again, but I show her with my touch that I love her. I really think I love this woman. Still, I can’t seem to say the words.
We climb out and I dry her, then pull her close to me in bed, no clothes between us. I don’t have any answers to what our future will bring, but I think I’ll be lost forever if I let this woman go.
Chapter Thirty
Courtney
It’s been three days since I told Blaze I love him. I haven’t said it again. He’s been tender with me and we’ve been making love multiple times a day, but I might’ve scared him. I didn’t mean to say the words but couldn’t stop them. The moment was beautiful and perfect, and nothing could stop the words. He was looking in my eyes and love shined out at me.
I’m not sad. I don’t have regrets. I think he loves me. I believe my siblings are right; he’s scared. I was there so I understand it. I realize love is scary. When you give your heart to someone, you give them the power to destroy you. I loved him ten years ago, but it was nothing like what I feel now. Before it was young love, new love. It was exciting and different, but it needed time to mature.
The difference, I realize now, is that I didn’t know who I was then. I was still trying to find myself. How’s it possible to love another person when you don’t fully love yourself? I didn’tnotlike myself then, I just didn’t know who I was. I still don’t fully know who I am, but I’m getting closer. I don’t need to hide from myself.
This might end. I accept that. It’s okay if it does. It will hurt beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before, but I’ll survive it. Because I’d rather love this man and lose him, than never have felt anything like this. It’s beautiful even if it’s terrifying. I finally get that love and lost saying now. I didn’t get it before, but there’s nothing that would make me want to forget this love I feel, even if it’s going to be painful in the end.
I’m packed when Blaze comes into the cabin. He’s frowning as he looks at my bag.
“Are you ready?”
He nods his head, but his mood seems to sour. “Are you sure we should be going out?” This must be the twentieth time in the past twenty-four hours he’s asked this same question.
I laugh as I move close to him and wrap him in my arms. “I’m all better now, Blaze. Sure, I’m a little weaker than I was a week ago, but this isn’t a strenuous day. We’re going to Shi Shi Beach, not hiking a mountain.”
He grumbles. “I don’t know. I think we should wait a few more days.”
I get on my tiptoes and kiss him. He instantly responds, his arms wrapping me up in the most possessive way as he deepens our kiss. As much as I love it, I pull back from him. We certainly know how to please each other, and we both know how to show our love through our bodies. But we need more. I’m ready for it . . . I don’t think he is.
“You did this yesterday and kept me in bed all day. You aren’t doing it today.” I swat his behind as I move into the kitchen and grab my coffee mug. We have a bit of a drive and I need the caffeine. We didn’t sleep nearly enough the night before. Heck, we haven’t slept much in the last few days. We’ve both woken the other up multiple times, our lovemaking frenzied.
He finally caves, we move to his vehicle, and are soon on the road. He isn’t talking much, and I’d give up every earthlypossession I own to know what’s on his mind. He was colder this morning. It’s as if a fire is burning beneath his skin and he sprayed himself with ice to contain it. Maybe he’s pulling away from me. Maybe this is the end. I can’t do anything about that, so I’m simply going to live for each moment we have left together, and not dwell on what I can’t control. I’ve spent too much time doing that already.
We arrive in the Olympic National Park and soon are walking along Shi Shi Beach. We take trails and do our best to follow the map, but it isn’t easy. As much as I tell Blaze I’m okay, I’m wearing down fast. I don’t dare show him or he’ll call off our exploration. I’ve waited long enough to see if this is the end of our treasure map or if there will be more.
As we move through rock formations and trails we find a rainbow of fish, many caves, and a huge arch that has me taking pictures. I didn’t appreciate its beauty as much ten years ago. I’m looking at everything through new eyes now. The map takes us past the remains of a fascinating shipwreck. I want to know how it got here, the story of the people who wrecked it. I love history because I’m a romantic. Maybe mermaids led the captain into the rocks. In the story I’d write that’s what it would be.
We find a hidden cave, and I’m practically holding my breath as we move inside. He looks around, his light dim in the darkness of the beautiful cave. It fascinates me that something so exquisitely crafted can easily become a grave. When the tide comes in, anyone inside will be trapped. Mother Nature is as terrifying as she is awing.
“We’re here,” he says. There’s a tightness in his voice that I don’t understand.
“Are you okay?”
He quietly walks to a wall and runs his fingers across the smooth surface. Then I see what he’s looking at. Tears spring to my eyes. “Monkey loves Caterpillar,” is carved inside a heart.
“Who is this?” I know it has to have meaning to put him in such a trance.
“It’s the nicknames my parents called each other. They must’ve come here long before we did.” His voice is slightly choked and I want to hold him, but he doesn’t want my touch right now. He’s fighting emotion, thinking about the parents he lost at far too young an age.
I shine my light down and notice a loose rock in what appears to be a hole. This must be where the next or final clue is located. I wait. I don’t want to rush him.
“They must’ve really loved each other.” I hope I offer him some comfort. He briefly glances at me with a sad smile.
“Yes, they did,” he says, the faintest of smiles on his lips. “They met when they were young, then parted ways. But they eventually found each other again, and even death couldn’t separate them. They went together.”
“That’s tragically romantic. I’m sorry this is so hard on you, Blaze.” I find the courage to move beside him and place my hand on his arm. He doesn’t shrug me off.
