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“Why wouldn’t you?”
“Because of you,” he admits. The hope I’ve been trying to keep tampered down blooms in my chest. I don’t want to lose control of my emotions, but with these three little words, he’s pushing against the walls of my emotions, and threatening to break the dam.
“I don’t want to hold you back, Blaze. I don’t want you to resent me.” It will be worse to keep him, knowing he resents me for it, than to let him go and deal with the loss of the greatest love of my life.
“I’d never think of you that way. My life has never been planned out. I’ve always taken each new day as it comes. But being with you again has changed how I feel. I don’t know if I’m ready to let this go.”
I desperately want to look in his eyes, but I’m afraid to do it. What does this mean? He isn’t exactly telling me he wants forever, but he’s saying he doesn’t want to leave. But is that for now? Or is it for a few more days, weeks, or possibly even months? This uncertainty isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.
“I’m here. There’s nowhere I need to go.” I’m letting him know I’m here if he wants me. I feel incredibly vulnerable, but I’ll hate myself if I don’t say it, don’t tell him how I feel. He squeezes my thigh as we draw closer to home.
“I know you are.” His voice is just above a whisper. We continue to drive in silence for a while. Then I make a decision.
“Can we not think about any of this for now, not make any big decisions?” He looks at me with surprise. “I want to spend the night together without any thoughts of tomorrow. I want to end this day on a beautiful note. Tomorrow we can complete the treasure hunt, then you can take some time to figure out what comes next.”
“Yes.” It’s one simple word, but it’s everything I need right now. For tonight we’ll have no problems, no consequences, and no tomorrows. For tonight he’s mine, and I’m his. Tomorrow we might take a new path, but tonight is all ours.
Chapter Thirty-One
Courtney
I’m not sure if the night before was my last with Blaze, but as we follow the dirt road into the hills of Blaze’s family property, something’s about to happen. We’ve reached the final clue in our short journey together. He hasn’t told me if he’s taking the job that will pull him out of my life again, and I don’t want to talk about it, not yet. All I wanted the night before was to get lost in his arms. We made such sweet love, and I’ve ached ever since.
When I was sure he was sleeping, I snuck into the bathroom and let the tears I fought all day slip freely down my face. Once that was done, I cleaned myself up, then crawled back into his arms and fell asleep. I tried not thinking it might be the last time. It seems impossible that something this perfect could ever end.
I wonder how many people know it’s their last night with someone. They go to bed. The might make love or not, but they sleep in the same bed . . . and then what happens? Do they get into a fight? Do they wake up and realize the person next to them is a stranger? Do they find someone they find more appealing? How does a person sleep in bed with a person one night, and then the next never sleep next to them again?
This happened to me once with Blaze. He was there next to me, making love to meet like it would never end. Then he was walking away, and left me standing on the beach alone and sad. I moved on. He moved on. But he was never forgotten. This time it’s so much deeper, so much more beautiful. But last night might’ve been our last together. Even with all of this heaviness weighing on my mind, I don’t think I’m letting it show.
We had normal chitchat all morning, then it was time to go. Now we’re on the final journey up the mountain in quads. Before long Blaze stops, and I pull up next to him. The quiet is eerie as we climb off and move into the trees. Several paces in, Blaze stops. A sense of restlessness surrounds me as we gaze at the large tree in front of us, a marker at its base. Carved into the bark is a heart with nothing in it.
“Looks like we found the place,” Blaze says.
“Seems so.” He pulls a small shovel from his backpack and stands in place, looking like he’s in no hurry to end our journey. I’m not either, but I know we have to finish, so I take the shovel from him and dig until I find the same type of plastic box we found in the cave.
Blaze moves into action and digs it the rest of the way out. He carries it to a sun-soaked patch of grass where wildflowers are blooming. He runs his hands over the top of the small box, and my heart pounds as I wait for him to open it. He doesn’t say anything, just sits there gazing at the box.
“The anticipation’s killing me.”
He lets out a sound that resembles a laugh. But my words spur him into action. He moves his fingers to the latch and opens the box. I peer inside, and what appears to be a jewelry box and an envelope rest inside. I hold my breath. This is the end. It’s an awfully small package for a very long journey. Sometimes the best packages come in the smallest sizes though.
He takes out the jewelry case and sets it aside without opening it, then picks up the envelope. He looks at me with a haunted look in his eyes; it breaks my heart. He seems so dang lost. I want to help him, but I know there’s not a whole lot I can do for him right now.
“This is it. This is the final clue.” His voice cracks on the last word and I feel so much compassion for him that I can’t help but move over and climb into his lap, throwing my arms around him. I might not be able to offer much, but I can let him know without words that he’s very much loved.
“I’m here with you.”
“I’m glad you are.” His hand rubs my back. We sit this way for several minutes before I move off of him so he can take the final step in this journey. As much as I want to help him, I’m well aware he has to do this last step all on his own.
“Would you rather I leave you to do this alone?” I don’t want to go, but I want to do what’s right for him. I’m still not sure why my name was on the map. He didn’t need me for this journey. I’m glad it was though, I’m glad I’ve gotten to do this with him until the end. I’ve grown and learned more about myself than I ever knew I needed to learn. This journey might be about him, but it’s been great for me, no matter how much I’m hurting now.
“No. I want you here.” I’m relieved.
Finally, he cracks the envelope and I’m trembling as I wait to see what the letter says. I’ve always wanted to go on a treasure hunt, and now I don’t think I’ll ever be able to suffer through one again. I’m far too emotional to deal with the anticipation. Who knows? Maybe I’ll want another one someday. Right now I don’t see that happening.
Finally he reads the letter, leaving it open for me to see as well.
My Dearest Blaze,
