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Of course, I wasn’t in my right mind for a while, and so wracked with guilt that I hadn’t died along with him that I wasn’t thinking straight anyway. I was actually angry at him for leaving me behind at first. Furious that he’d taken himself off somewhere I couldn’t follow him. I was angry at the gods too for bringing him back into my life, and then snatching him away again. I renounced my belief in them, cursed them and vowed like a child never to believe in them again.
I was aware, of course, of my cousins watching me like hawks. They never left me alone and if one of them wasn’t with me, then Prince Chandler was. He sat beside me as I slept and held my hand and smoothed the hair off my face. He even peppered kisses on my cheeks and lips, even though we had never reached that stage in our courtship. I allowed it because it really didn’t matter. Not much of anything did.
I tried to smile at him and do as he asked, because none of this had been his fault. He would have been well within his rights never to speak to me again after I’d made my intentions to leave him so clear that last, terrible night. He had joined in the efforts to launch the lifeboats after the disaster, and I had no reason to be angry with him.
The ridiculous explanation for what happened seemed to be a freak storm. I didn’t believe that for a minute. But it seemed to be the general consensus, as it was also the easiest explanation. And after all, the victims had only been pirates, after all. The dregs of society, outlaws and miscreants, so who really cared, right? It was a tragic thing, yes, but thankfully, no one who really mattered was involved.
Lex had sat beside me and squeezed my hand. He’d had experience with thinking he’d lost the one he loved, after he’d thought for a while that his omega, Rory was gone. We had all witnessed how devastated he had been.
Yet I still think he believed I’d get over it eventually and move on. I caught the eye of Wyatt, who was standing at the window, however, and he gave me a slight nod. I knew he was worried about me—I was closest to Wyatt and knew he was probably thinking about how he’d feel if he lost his omega. Lex too, totally sympathized with that aspect of the situation. Both of them were completely in love with their spouses, and I imagined they were both thinking of what they would do or how they would feel if they were in my place.
That night, I only pretended to take the powders they gave me to make me sleep and spit almost all of it out when their backs were turned. Most nights, Prince Chandler and the priest Kellman would stop by my room to check on me, and this night had been no exception.
Kellman had looked bored when he came in, following Prince Chandler. He stood at the foot of my bed, and at Chandler’s request, he chanted the words of a healing spell over me. I had no need of his spells, though, and I was happy when they finally left. In fact, I was tired of being in bed—I wasn’t ill. I was simply tired of being anywhere that Rox wasn’t.
If he’d been here, we’d no doubt have been arguing over something. He’d be bossy and arrogant and try to tell me what to do. The thought of never seeing him again and never listening to him bragging about how good he was and how smart…it made me want to join him wherever he was, just to pick a fight with him.
As soon as they left, I got out of bed, ready for the old twinges to start up in my leg, but they seemed to be gone. At least for now. So Roxbury’s lovemaking and his blood had actually worked, had they? He’d been so hopeful they would. What I wouldn’t have given to have him there with me again in my arms. Fighting with him, fucking him or allowing him to knot me and make fatuous comments about it—it didn’t matter what we did, as long as I had him beside me. I decided that I needed air, and I grabbed a jacket someone had left lying across the sea chest in my room and went as silently as I could up on deck.
I took two turns around deck before I stopped at the rail to stare out at the determined bitch of a cruel sea that had taken my lover away from me, not once but twice now. It was a beautiful, starry night. The moon was huge, hanging in the sky like the clock on the wall of my mother’s front parlor, its wide, smooth face completely uncaring and unnoticing of my personal tragedy—I guess, though, considering what that face had seen over thousands of years, my heartbreak seemed insignificant and small.
It would be easy enough to “fall” overboard and slip beneath the waves. I smiled to think of how angry Rox would be to know I was even thinking of such a thing. He would admonish me to be strong and not to give in to this deep, dark despair that filled my mind and heart. This feeling that nothing would ever be the same again.
I gazed down longingly at the black water beneath the ship but turned away and gazed back up at the pale moon again. I’d try to endure this as long as I could because I knew Rox would want me to. When I couldn’t anymore…then…well, I’d see.
That had to be enough for now.
A touch on my shoulder made me whirl around in surprise. I’d thought I was alone on deck.
“Chandler,” I said, looking down at him. The moonlight lit his face with a soft silver light, and I was struck again by how handsome he truly was. And how desirable. His omega scent teased around my nose enticingly, yet it didn’t move me at all. Not like it should have. What was wrong with me that I had never wanted anyone else other than Roxbury? Even now that he was gone, I knew I never would.
“You shouldn’t be out here alone,” I admonished him. “It could be dangerous. Where are your bodyguards? Can’t you sleep?”
“No, I’ve slept enough in the past few days to last me a lifetime, it seems. I’ve slipped away from my guards, and I just wanted to see you. And I’m sick of being inside in that cabin, and it seems you are too. I knew you’d be up here when I couldn’t find you in your room.”
“Would you like to take a turn around deck?”
His face brightened and he smiled. “Yes, that would be nice.”
He took my arm, and we began our walk. I was struck by the idea of how much easier my life would have been if I could have fallen in love with the prince or someone like him. That meant that I would never have met Roxbury though, and I wasn’t willing to wish that away. My life would have been easier for sure, but far less interesting. I smiled a little at the thought and Chandler gave my arm a squeeze.
“I heard someone say we’ll be back in port in Igella tomorrow before noon. Lexington has invited me to stay at his palace for a few days before heading back home.”
“Good. It’s a long journey back to Sudfarma. I’ll be staying there a while in the castle too. He insists.” I smiled. “Lex can be extremely bossy. But he’s a king and it goes with the territory, I suppose. He likes to be in charge.”
Chandler glanced up at me and maybe he got a glimpse of my eyes, because he stopped and took my hand in his. “You’re thinking of him again, aren’t you?”
“He did like to be in charge too. Most irritating man I ever met.”
“And you loved him.”
“Yes, I loved him. I love him still. I think I always will, Chandler.”
“I know. But it’s still nice to see you smiling again. I’ve been so worried.”
“About me? I never meant to worry you.”
He stopped and turned to face me. “I know, Brandon. And I won’t bring up our marriage again. Not now anyway. But I want you to know I still have deep feelings for you, even if you can never feel the same about me. And I hope that one day you’ll change your mind. Your estate still needs heirs, and I can give them to you. I don’t mean to rush you, and I’ll wait for you to feel better. But I-I want you to know that I’m here for you in any way you need. He would want you to go on living.”
