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When Austen offers a wonderful smile, I’m reminded of the girl I first saw on the street years ago. Her eyes reveal grief and exhaustion, but her smile lights up the damn world.
AUSTEN
During the drive back to McMurdo Valley, I text Suzanne to reassure her. I let her know I’m not falling apart. Walla Walla is at my side. Everything will be okay. She still wants to hash things out, but I promise I’ll call later. Right now, I need to focus on Walla Walla.
Glancing at my sexy biker, I find him agitated over after our time in Canary Basin. He angrily mutters along with the song by Melvins. I enjoy when he shares his tastes with me. Last night, he patiently endured my quiet Lilith songs. We don’t need to be the same. We just need to be open to each other’s interests.
Once we arrived home, I take Walla Walla’s hand and head upstairs. When I glance back at him over my shoulder, I find him worried about me.
“I’ve been weak for so long,” I say as we reach his room. “I’m starting to remember how to feel differently, but I still want to hide away and let stronger people handle the heavy lifting.”
Walla Walla wears his worries on his handsome face. He wants to be my hero by protecting me from the world’s evil. Instead, Urick got forgiveness. Peter doesn’t have a scratch on him. The men from that summer are long gone.
“I’m only being strong so I can have you,” I explain as I shut the door behind us. “If you weren’t the prize for pushing through my fear, I’d go home and turn my back on Urick. I’d rebuild my old clinic and remake my former life. I’d just be that lonely woman with small dreams.”
I remove my shoes and jeans. Walla Walla seems too quiet. He’s been holding his tongue since we left Canary Basin.
“I know you think I can be weak and still yours, but that’s not true. I taught myself to fear everything. That includes tattooed bikers with lots of sexual experience and romantic choices. If I don’t toughen up, you’ll break me in to a million jagged little pieces.”
Walla Walla flinches at the thought, seeming hurt by my words.
“Your life isn’t safe. You can talk about how boring the Pigsty is on a normal day, but your life is filled with threats. Old enemies and new ones. You can’t really lower your guard. That’ll always be your life.”
I kneel and unlace Walla Walla’s boots. Glancing up at him, I exhale deeply. “One day, you and I might be sitting on our porch, watching our grandkids play. Out of nowhere, a threat could appear to claim revenge for a sin you committed decades earlier. You might die without even knowing why. If those ranch workers killed you, would you have even understood the reason? No, and it wouldn’t have mattered.”
I stand and cup Walla Walla’s scowling face. “Your life is scary. Maybe you can’t see it because it’s all you’ve known. As an outsider, I feel the change since I’ve joined your circle. I can’t survive this life with the fearful heart I embraced years ago. I just don’t have it in me to hide in our future house and hope you return. I must get stronger. That way, when you leave my side, I won’t fall apart with worry. To be your woman, I can’t hide from my fear anymore.”
I tug my shirt over my head and exhale deeply. “I never worried about Peter today. He is a man who hires others to do ugly things. My brother has never shoveled horseshit or thrown a punch. He lives a safe life in the bubble our father’s money created.”
Reaching for Walla Walla’s hands, I wrap them around behind me where my bra’s hooks remain locked together.
“When those men attacked my clinic, I saw the kind of man you are. No matter how sweet and soft you’ve been to me, you’re casually violent. That’s why you’re in power here. Not because of your size or because you got lucky or because others are weak. You’re in power because you’re capable of crushing cruel men. You out-monstered other monsters. That’s your life, and I don’t want to hide from it.”
Walla Walla is afraid to unsnap my bra. He thinks I need to be protected from myself. He knows I’m my worst enemy. I sabotaged my life as punishment for the cruel desires of evil men. I found reasons to ruin myself.
Now, I’m choosing to forgive myself by tearing free of my fear-inspired barriers.
“I only saw the version of Urick that suited me,” I explain while undoing Walla Walla’s belt and jeans. “I didn’t see the real man because I preferred the fantasy. But he wasn’t that man, and I ran away when I got a glimpse of the real him. I’m refusing to do that with you.”
Kneeling again, I remove his jeans and then drag down his boxers. Once I stand, I tug his shirt over his head and stare into his eyes.
“I see you, Walla Walla. I won’t put blinders on about your life. I don’t need to hide in a corner while you face a violent world. I’m stripping away any lies I might tell myself about you. I’m also showing you who I am, warts and all. I don’t want you to love a lie. I need to be honest after lying to myself for so long.”
I return his hands to my bra’s hooks. “I’m not naturally submissive. I don’t like hiding in the corner. I want to ride my horses and go fast on roller coasters and let my hair fly when I’m on your motorcycle. I want to fuck hard and get loud when I come. I want to be the real me, even if I fuck up and get hurt. I miss standing on my own.”
Inhaling sharply, I struggle to settle my racing heart. “But I need your help to go wild. I’ve crushed that side of me under so much guilt and shame. I need you to remind me what it feels like to be fearless.”
Walla Walla’s fingers tease the flesh on my back, yet he refuses to unlatch my bra.
“What are you afraid of?”
“I don’t want to be the bad guy.”
“You saved me. Both my life and my heart. You’ve awakened parts of me nearly destroyed by my self-hatred. You’re the hero of the story.”
Walla Walla still hesitates. “I feel greedy. I want everything.”
“You cut your parents off and think they can’t touch you anymore, but their lies are still echoing inside your head,” I explain and stroke his forehead. “They taught you not to like or trust yourself. You’ve ignored those lies for most of your life, but they still live inside you. Right now, they’re saying you can’t have what you want because you’re not good enough. You’ll fail and break me. But I’ve never felt stronger.”
