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“Are you ready to leave?” I ask Austen when she remains very still.
“I want to look at the barracks.”
I hear the panic in her voice. “That seems like too much too fast.”
“We haven’t gone slow since you showed up at the clinic,” she says and wipes a tear from her cheek. “I’m already a mess from our talk in the SUV and seeing my dad. I feel like I should just dig the blade in deeper and then go home with you to heal.”
“You’re a ballsy woman,” I reply, winning a smile from her. “I know your pain is real, but I suspect much of your frailty is something you’ve forced upon yourself.”
Austen nods and seems unsteady. “Being a wild child came with consequences I didn’t suffer alone. If Hunter hadn’t gotten hurt, I don’t know if I’d still be holding on to such hurt. But you helped me see what my sister’s been telling me for years. She’s moved on while I’m the one reminding her of the past. My guilt is a weight on her shoulders. If I genuinely want her to be free, I need to face the past and let it go.”
Wrapping her in my arms, I get ready to face where her innocence was stolen. I can’t lose my temper or freak out. Those men aren’t around to punish. Losing my shit isn’t what Austen needs, but keeping quiet will be tough.
The barracks are also the last home of the men who nearly wiped out my club and tried to burn Austen alive.
Yet, the actual barracks don’t live up to the hellscape I’ve imagined. In the long, open building, bunks are located at one end with a kitchen lining the other side. At the center of the building is a living area with couches, chairs, and a few tables.
This is where Austen stops and looks around. “We were playing poker with the men. I’d done that since I was around twelve. I always lost,” she says and smiles at me. “If you’re ever in debt, play poker against me. You’ll quickly be flushed with cash.”
Stoking her cheek, I smile at how calm she seems right now. “Was your dad ever around when you played?”
“Initially, yes. Mack would play with me, too. It felt safe in here. Dad treated the men like family. He made them sound like they’d just had bad breaks in life, and he was giving them a second chance. I saw them as underdogs, but I realize I was arrogant.”
“How so?” I ask as she brushes her fingers across a scratched-up table.
“I assumed they should feel grateful. Here was a nice, rich man giving them a second chance after the world discarded them. I was naïve and arrogant to think people become saints if you’re nice to them.”
“You were still a kid.”
“I wasn’t blind. Coco came from a poor family. I helped her out and even gave her parents money to pay bills. Did they become harmless puppies in response? No, they were thankful yet resentful. Coco was embarrassed by her position in life. People are complicated. But with those men, I followed my father’s lead. Urick viewed them as his indebted pseudo sons. They couldn’t possibly turn on him.”
When Austen looks at a nearby cot, her lips go tight, and she lowers her gaze shamefully.
“That’s where George tore off my clothes. I tried to act tough when he first started messing with me. I was so shocked when he shoved me down. No one had ever been rough with me like that before. I didn’t know what to do. If I were dealing with a spooked horse, I’d have reacted better. Instead, I tried screaming. He slapped me. Then, I cried.”
As Austen looks around the room, I feel her spiraling. Her gaze fills with panic.
“Hunter tried to help me. These two other men,” she says, pausing and shaking her head. “I can’t remember their names. They started shoving her back and forth between them. She fought with them. I kicked George. He slapped me again. I felt like maybe we could get out of the situation without getting seriously hurt. Then, Hunter punched one of the men. and he punched her back.”
Austen backs away from the beds and reaches for me. “I heard her nose break. I didn’t know what to do. She was bleeding, and the men were hurting her. George was yanking off my shorts. No matter how much I kicked, he never slowed down. I felt the burn of George shoving himself inside me. I heard Hunter crying. I started screaming.”
When she looks at me, the corners of her mouth tug lower. “I was screaming for my mom. That was the moment when I think my heart truly turned against my dad. Even before he didn’t believe me, I realized he was wrong about his men. Urick couldn’t be trusted. So, I screamed for my mom as if she could hear me from states away and save us.”
Austen leans into my embrace and exhales deeply. “Mack came in and beat on the men. He saved us. I went to Hunter and hoped everything could go back to the way it was. But that’s not how anything works.”
Austen wipes her eyes. “And Urick didn’t believe me. Even with Hunter’s broken nose and my bruises and the scratches on my body. The doctor came out and treated us. Urick wanted everything kept quiet, so we didn’t go to the hospital. I stood by while Hunter’s nose was checked, and I realized how my father had picked those men over me. That’s when I recognized how I also needed to make a choice. I could either stick with him and help smooth over what happened or pick Hunter and run back home.”
“You chose right.”
Austen nods. “For years, I’ve avoided Urick because I knew I’d forgive him. But I also knew he wasn’t the man I believed him to be. I wasn’t sure I really wanted a relationship with the more flawed version of my dad. I’ve always seen my mom as a real person. I guess I was never honest with myself about Urick,” she says and exhales deeply again. “I’m finally ready to grow up and admit my dad is fucked up, but I still love him. Of course, I have the luxury of dealing with a frail shell of him versus a healthy yet flawed version.”
Austen stands straight. “I don’t know what happens next. Urick looks ready to die. If he goes tonight, I’ve made my peace with him. If he lingers, I’ll come here and visit daily. I’d like to spend time at the ranch, too.”
“Are you pushing yourself too hard?”
“The panic attacks wipe me out, but I’ve accepted they won’t destroy me. I can ride through them and remain in control,” she says and smiles at me. “We’re going to build a house. We want children. I’d like to start a new business. And my mom won’t be around to keep me organized. I need to prove to myself how I can stand on my own.”
“Okay but I don’t expect you to be unbreakable. I don’t need you to build the house tomorrow or start your business next week. If you want to rush yourself, I’ll be by your side. But if you want to take things slow, I’m also sticking to you like glue.”
