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Crying again, she seems so defeated. I stand up and sit next to her on the bed.
“I’m about to wrap my arm around your shoulders,” I warn, thinking about how easily triggered she was earlier. “Don’t be afraid.”
Austen’s expression hides nothing. Years ago, something broke inside her. On a normal day, she can pretend as if her wounds healed correctly. Yet, this last week ripped back the curtain to reveal how damaged she remains inside.
As I wrap my arm around her, I can’t deny I’m the bad guy here. I’ve been in such a hurry to get my way. I simply refused to choose between protecting my club and claiming Austen.
A good man would have allowed Austen the time to deal with losing her clinic and my interest in her. After I returned to McMurdo Valley alone, we could have spoken on the phone. I should have visited a few times. She could have gotten used to me invading her space. Sharing her body with me wouldn’t have been so terrifying.
If I were patient, Austen wouldn’t be shivering in a warm room. She’s currently afraid even with no threats. She feels beat down despite fighting no battles. Austen’s armor is gone, leaving her exposed.
A better man would take her home. I know the right answer. However, I’m not that guy. Instead, I consider how close we are to McMurdo Valley.
I know she’ll love the Pigsty. She bound to get along well with the other club wives. She’ll even have newborn kittens to distract her from losing her clinic.
With Austen wrapped against me, I convince myself everything will be okay tomorrow. Coco won’t seem ready to run. Goose will stop acting so rattled.
Most of all, Austen will realize I’m worth the stress of leaving behind her support system and exposing herself to a world she isn’t ready to face.
AUSTEN
Fear floods my system. Even after my shower and speaking to my mother, I can’t break free of my bad memories.
I hear the clinic’s fire alarm. I see those men approaching Walla Walla. I feel the sting of George’s fingernail scraping my flesh when he tore open my shirt. I hear the gunshots shattering my clinic’s windows. I see my sister fighting off the other ranch workers.
The men from back then seem so similar to the ones who came to my clinic to kill me. They remind me of the men tonight who wanted to hurt Walla Walla. I can still imagine them beating on him. I hear the crack of their fists against his face. It sounds the same as when Si punched Hunter to force her to submit.
Breathing too fast, I try to stay in the here and now. Walla Walla sits on the bed next to me against the headboard. Coco is on my other side. I’m not at the clinic, back in the ranch’s barracks, or at the restaurant. Why can’t I focus on the movie?
My skin feels raw like after Urick’s head of security yanked George off me. Mack Hubbler whipped the men with a riding crop. He hollered in the same way he did whenever wolves neared the horses. When the men made a move for him, Mack pulled out the Colt Python bought for him as a gift from my father. I hoped he’d shoot them, yet they backed off and released us.
Grabbing a blanket from one of their beds, I crawled to my sister and tried to stop her nose from bleeding. Her entire face was covered in blood. I remember the way she looked at me.
Crying now, I feel the guilt grip my heart. I’m the reason bad things happen. I’m the trigger.
“I’m sorry,” I say over and over just like I did that night.
Walla Walla holds my hand and talks about the movie. He ignores my tearful babble. Coco wants to calm me. She’s scared, too. Days ago, she nearly died. Rather than getting her fill of therapy and relaxation, she’s on this trip with me to a strange place.
On the phone earlier, my mother kept asking if I wanted to come home. I lied and said no. Each time, I knew I didn’t want to go to McMurdo Valley. I can’t deal with my father or brothers. I’m certainly not strong enough to face what happened on our ranch so long ago.
Lying to my mother was the only way to protect my dream of loving Walla Walla. However, the fantasy feels farther away as I struggle to remain awake after my panic attack and anxiety pill.
The TV plays “Rise of the Planet of the Apes.” I rarely watch action entertainment. My mind isn’t on the movie. I just focus on Walla Walla’s hand playing with mine. I can’t believe this muscled man is cuddled up with my crazy ass on this bed.
During a climactic moment in the movie, the smart ape yells, “No!” Nearby, Goose snorts.
“That monkey sounds like Walla Walla when someone tried to steal his plate of pot brownies.”
Walla Walla chuckles at his friend’s comment. I catch Coco considering whether to relax and smile. Taking her hand with my free one, I try to comfort her. She stares into my eyes as if searching for the sane version of me.
“Thank you for talking to my mom,” I whisper.
Coco forces a smile and glances at Walla Walla and Goose. I find his gaze on me.
“Will you share your brownies with us or are they off-limits?”
Walla Walla smirks. “You can have anything I have, baby.”
