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Before I smothered my wild side, I dreamed of Walla Walla looking at me like he does right now. His unfiltered lust is like a drug I’m curious to experiment with.
“I’ve never taken pot in any form,” I say, barely hiding how cannabis is a stand-in for lust. “I’m curious what it’ll feel like.”
“We’ll need to take it slow, but I think you’re going to love it once you get past your worries.”
Smiling, I cover my face and try to still my racing heart. Walla Walla’s thumb brushes across my knuckles until I peek out at him.
“I washed off all my makeup,” I mumble.
“I like seeing your freckles.”
“Good Lord,” Goose mumbles.
Walla Walla doesn’t acknowledge her comment. He just stares into my eyes until his gaze blinds me to everything else.
“Will you leave the door open between the rooms?” I whisper as he brushes his lips across my forehead. “I’m feeling nervous about sleeping in this place.”
“I’d prefer the door open, actually,” he says before lowering his voice. “It’ll be easier in McMurdo Valley. You can relax at the Pigsty and avoid people if that’s what you need. Or I can show you around. Whatever feels right, we’ll do.”
“Because I’m emotionally unstable?”
“No, because when I needed to get back to McMurdo Valley, you gave up your home to come hang out in mine. You’ve already sacrificed plenty to make me happy. Now, let me take care of you.”
I see such hope in Walla Walla’s eyes. Even after I fell apart today, he hasn’t given up on us. Or maybe he knows we’re a flop but doesn’t have the heart to admit the truth.
I’m too exhausted to know what’s real tonight. Mostly, I feel lost. We only drove for five hours, but I feel a million miles from home. I’m certain the men from today will attack us. Or destroy our SUV like the other men did to mine at the clinic.
Around me, everyone seems calm. Coco was on edge earlier, but she settles down as the movie continues. I think she just wants to stare at a TV for a few days. After her breakups, she’d always “veg” at her place. That usually consisted of her watching TV, eating Artisan crackers, and drinking pink lemonade from a champagne glass. Tonight, she doesn’t have access to the last two items, but the movie helps her decompress.
I can’t shake how we’re under threat. If I were at home with the security gate and armed guards, I would be comfortable. I’d know my place in the world. That’s where I want to be.
However, I can’t claim Walla Walla’s heart if I hide in Banta City. There’s no other choice except to face what I fear in McMurdo Valley.
MARTIN
Austen is a vision of beauty and fear when I find her in the morning. Every time I checked on her overnight, she was sleeping soundly from the anxiety pills. Now, awake and showered, she seems close to tears.
Whenever I ask her what’s wrong, Austen offers me a different reason.
“I’m worry I miscounted the cats at the clinic.”
“I think Hunter didn’t want me to go.”
“My mom seemed so sad when I talked to her last night.”
Finally, after breakfast as we fill up our tanks, she admits, “I don’t want to go.”
“Why?”
“I want to hate my father,” Austen says, tearing up as we stand next to the SUV and Goose and Coco get drinks inside. “I need to hate him. When I think of how he let me down, I don’t miss him. I know you see him as a loser or bad man. He is, of course. That’s why I hate him.”
Tears stream down her cheeks as she whimpers, “But he’s dying. If I see him sick, I’ll feel bad. I’ll want to be close, but I can’t. He hurt me. If I forgive him, I’ll feel guilty over not forgiving him long ago when we could have spent time together.”
“You don’t need to see your father. Just stay in McMurdo Valley, and you’ll never run into him.”
Looking exhausted, Austen doesn’t even have the energy to wipe the tears from her cheeks. I’m stung by guilt again. I rushed this thing. I didn’t think things through. Why even tell her about Urick’s failing health? I could have kept everything vague and focused her on me.
The answer is obvious, of course. I didn’t understand how Austen ties herself in knots to claim guilt for things she didn’t do.
