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I sit up in my bed, pulling my knees tight into my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. I can still feel the whisper of his lips against my face, the ghost of his touch on my lips. The shiver starts deep inside me, hot and icy all at once, and shakes through my entire body until I wrap myself in the blankets, trying to contain it. It's too much though. I need him.
Iwanthim.
Oh god. It's happening again. I've done it. I promised myself, and here I am, waiting to fling myself off the precipice yet again.
I can't and I won't. I have a good position, a good place, and I can't risk it. Not for him. I shake the feelings off, trying to ignore the way they want to cling to me. I'm going to get up and face theday, and the duke.
And I'm not going to let my feelings get the better of me. No matter how badly his body is calling to mine.
It's toochilly in the morning to swim, and the duke shows no signs of retreating to whatever desk or office the lake house might offer after breakfast. I do my best to stay focused on Maddie, and when he suggests we go into town for some shopping, her eyes light up. It's easy to pay attention to her when she's glowing with joy, and I soon find myself in a toy store, footman at the door standing at attention and at watch while we shop. The duke has gone next door to a coffee shop. It seems like I'm not the only one looking for a distraction. Does he regret what he said last night to me? I try not to wrestle with those worries.
There are lots to be diverted by here. This place is a wonderland of games and toys, puppets hanging from the rafters, and stuffed animals big and small on every shelf. Maddie is enraptured, and I follow her a few paces behind as she shops. What must it be like growing up in a house where your every desire is granted? I watch her carefully, with no envy.
She pays for every inch of privilege she's granted. Her childhood is nothing like mine, but I'm not sure I would trade, no matter how hard things were for me growing up.
The bell above the door rings and I look up, glancing toward the front of the shop. Madeline's still quietly talking herself through the pros and cons of her purchase, and doesn't need my help. I can't exactly debate the merits over Royalty Barbie and DanceParty Barbie with her. It's a big decision she needs to make for herself. For someone who has so few choices, I'm not going to insert my unneeded opinion into her toy-buying.
"Eva?" That familiar voice. I double-take back to who's walked into the shop. The footman is tense, looking between me and the stranger, ready to intervene if necessary. My mouth drops open. It won't be necessary for him to step in.
Gina stands there, in a long dress, sun-hat perched on the top of her head. Her eyes are wide and she lets out a small shriek before running toward me.
Her arms envelop me tight in a hug. Instantly I'm brought back to months prior, to when I was barely hanging onto this planet, ready to let go and fall off, drown in space. Until Gina rescued me, and put me on this dangerous path I'm treading.
Somehow it seems more treacherous than where I've come from, but i'm still grateful.
"Miss Bell?" Madeline's voice cuts through our reunion, and Gina pulls back. I immediately turn to my noble charge.
"Lady Madeline King, please meet Miss Gina McClean. My lady, Ms. McClean runs the agency that your father hired me through in order to be your nanny."
Madeline stares up at Gina and then before I can stop her or even realize what she's about to do, she launches herself at Gina, hugging her tight around the waist.
Gina freezes, eyes flicking to meet mine, before she hugs Madeline back, patting her gently on the shoulder.
"Thank you," Madeline says, breathing out the words with all her heart. "Miss Bell is my best friend." She pulls away to tuck herhand in mine, glancing up at me shyly. "You're allowed to be my best friend, right?"
Uh oh.
Gina's giving me alook. I know exactly what she's thinking. We're close with our charges, of course. In some cases, we'd die for them. But that's different. That's giving your life in service, serving a direct purpose.
I'm crossing a line, and Gina knows it on sight. We're not supposed to bethisclose. Not so much that they get feelings and become attached. High-born families don't like it.
"Of course, my lady," I tell Madeline, despite the expression of absolute panic on Gina's face.
"So I'm guessing the placement is going well," she says to me, voice falsely bright.
"Evangeline, do you know where—" The duke walks into the shop without realizing we have a witness. A very concerned witness. "I beg pardon," he says to Gina, and then his gaze slides down to where Madeline is clinging to me, her arm practically wrapped around my leg to hold on tight.
Gina makes a soft sound like a muffled tea kettle and I'm not sure if she's just had an aneurysm or she's about to have one.
"Your grace, please meet, Miss McClean," I say, averting my eyes from his. What is he thinking? Gina's as white as a sheet, which she shouldn't be, since she has so many high-level clients. The duke might be her highest, but she's used to rubbing shoulders with nobility. Or at least, I thought she was.
The duke nods to Gina, and his gaze glides right over her to me.
"How do you feel about seafood for tonight's dinner?" He asks, and he couldn't be more casual, which sends Gina into fits. She looks like she wants to disappear into the floor, or the clothes rack of hoodies behind her. Normally Gina's so relaxed, or at least that's what I remember of her when she spent time drinking while I tended bar. This is different though. This is vacation-Gina-accidentally-running-into-clients. I don't want her to think I'm not doing a good job either. What if the worst happens and I have to get another placement? She'll never give me one if she thinks I'm…
Loose. Relaxed. Overly-familiar.
The duke, looking casual and comfortable in a small gift shop, on the edge of lake Tahoe, is something so out of the ordinary that if you'd told me about it five months ago, I wouldn't have believed you. But this is him now, and I've accidentally stepped in it.
