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The sun hasn’t risen yet and everything out here is undisturbed and peaceful. Tears burn my eyes as I reach under the seat in my truck and take out the whip, clutching the handle in my hand as I head for the barn. I punch my fist hard into the beam because I know I’m about to break another promise I made her. I don’t waste time trying to talk myself out of it because I know it’s the only way to control the pain. It’s the only way I can keep the anger in me at bay and she deserves that more than my fake promises.
I thrash the whip across my back, and the harsh sting bites hard and distracts me from the visions I got in my mind. No more Dalton. No more Aubrey. No more Brianna or Mom. It’s like they never existed, just for those few splits of a second when all I can feel is pain. So I do it again. I do it until my hate-poisoned blood bleeds free and the screaming in my head stops.
Then I toss the damn thing outta my hand and sink to the floor, wrapping up my legs in my arms and clutching at my hair as I let it sink in that I’ve let her down again. Savannah is so determined to make us work. She’s intent on fixing me, but how can she when she has no idea how bad a person I am? She’s only seeing what she wants to see. All the good, a little of the bad but none of the ugly.
I press the heel of my palm into my eye to try and stop the tears. They’re pointless. All the people who I let down don’t need my fuckin’ tears, they needed me when it mattered and I wasn’t there. I stay on the floor until the sun starts to creep through the wood-panelled door and lights up the dust particles in front of me. My open wounds throb painfully as the blood that’s trickled from them starts to set on my skin.
I think about them all over again and then I think of Savannah. She’s lying in my bed about to wake up, excited for the day ahead of her. She’s happy and I’ve done enough to make that girl sad not to give her the day she’s expecting. I stand up onmy feet and dust off my jeans. Pissed at myself for heading out here so fast that I forgot to bring a shirt. I pick the whip up from the ground and quickly head out the barn, getting straight into my truck so I can head back to the line camp for a shower and some clean clothes.
“Wake up, darlin’.” I place the coffee I made her on the nightstand and kiss her cheek.
“Where did you go?” she asks, sleepily. “I woke up and you weren’t there.”
“In case you hadn’t realized, darlin’ you're dating a cowboy. There will be plenty of mornings when you wake up and I ain’t there.” I hold my breath to stop myself from gasping in pain when her hand slides over my back and she lifts herself up to kiss me.
“Well, I could get used to being woken up like this.” She smiles sweetly, and I savor it, wondering if I can find a way to hold on to it forever.
“I guess we’ll grab some breakfast and then head out to that address, huh?” She sits back against the headboard and blows steam from her mug with a clever smirk.
“Savannah, I really don’t think we should…”
“I told you how it is. In caseyoudidn’t realize you're dating an obnoxiously stubborn woman who will be going to that address with or without you.” The look on her face is as serious as it is sexy.
“Fine.” I shake my head in defeat. “I’ll meet you out front in half an hour.” I kiss her again before I head downstairs. Seeing Uncle Jimmer and his two members at the table with my brothers and the girls makes me pause.
“Mornin’.” I nod my head.
“You not eatin’?” Jimmer asks.
“Nah, I’m… Savannah wants to chase up a lead she got on Harvey. There’s a property near here that was linked to someone we figure was important to him.”
“You really think that’s a good idea?” Garrett wipes his mouth with a napkin, looking concerned.
“Yeah, I do. The more we know about this son of a bitch, the better chance we stand of crushin’ him.”
“Man’s got a point.” Jimmer shrugs.
“I don’t mean that it ain’t a good idea to check it out. What I meant was is it a good idea to check it out with her?”
“I think it’s a great idea.” Savannah breezes into the room and heads straight for the buffet table. “This was my great discovery. I’m going with him.” She loads up her plate with eggs before sitting opposite Maisie and winking at my uncle Jimmer.
“I like her.” He looks over his shoulder at me and nods like he approves impressed.
“Believe me, the novelty wears off.” Garrett smiles at Savannah and rolls his eyes.
“Garrett’s just being cautious,” Maisie throws him a look before she tries to reason with her friend.
“He doesn’t have to be. I’ll be with Cole. I’m in very safe, pleasurable hands.” She rolls her tongue over her lips seductively, and Jessie chokes on whatever he’s chewing while Troj coughs into his hand to try and hide his smirk.
“I’ll see ya out front.” I excuse myself real quick when I feel my cheeks start to burn, and head out to my truck. I’m almost smiling when I get inside the cab, but when I see the whip in the footwell and I’m reminded of my deception, I slam my hand at the steering wheel in frustration before quickly tucking it under my seat out of sight. I manage to get myself back into a calm state of mind by the time she comes out the door, and I watchher come toward me with a spring in her step and her red hair bouncing as she walks.
“I like your uncle,” she tells me as she buckles up. “And he’s hot, for an old guy.” I shake my head and humor her before starting the engine.
“So where we headin’?” I ask, knowing I have to leave this morning and all my doubts behind me. I got to cling to the good I have real tight and let that be what gets me through the bad times because letting her down and watching her hurt again ain’t an option.
“West of central road.” She leans across the console to kiss me. “Thank you.” She smiles.
“Whatcha thanking me for?” I feel that ease that comes with her company wash over me and dilute all my anger.
