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“Jesus Christ, are you in denial, or do you think we’re all damn stupid?” Wade chuckles and it grates right on my nerve.
“I thinkthisis fuckin’ stupid.” I rip the thing out of his hand and toss it over my shoulder. “We buried our brother yesterday, I fail to see how a barn dance is gonna solve our problems.”
“I don’t expect a dance to fix that, Cole. Look, I know Garrett’s spoken with ya about the Savannah thing, but I feel like I need to…”
“Listen, little brother, knockin’ up a girl don’t give you the right to talk to me about females.” I cut him off and feel like an asshole when I see how much what I say hurts him. Wade never does know when to shut his mouth.
“Maybe not, but bein’ your brother gives me the right to be worried about ya. I wanna know why you're so determined to deny yourself any happiness.” He blocks my path when I try to walk away from him and this fuckin’ conversation. “Do you know that right now, your girl is meeting up with the man who flew out here to get her back?”
“What?” I forget to pretend that I don’t care, because hearing what he just said makes my blood burn with anger.
“Yep, she’s at the diner getting all cozy with that Danny shit head, probably planning what country they’re gonna visit on their trip together first.” Wade sits himself on a bale, folding his arms like he’s got me beat.
“Best thing for her to do.” I shrug before turning my back on him, then pulling up the tailgate I fix it and shake to check it’s firm. My body goes rigid when I feel him grab my shoulder and spin me around.
“What the fuck’s your problem?” I ask, shoving him in the chest to push him off me. Yeah, I may be thirsty for a fight these days, but I don’t wanna lay one on my little brother.
“You, Cole. You’re my fuckin’ problem. Are ya really just gonna lay down and let that guy take ya girl right from under yanose? And don’t pull that shit and tell me ya don’t got feelings for her, because I know damn well that ya do.”
“Wade, I’m not telling ya that I don’t want her, I’m tellin’ ya that Ican’thave her.” I hiss the words out through my teeth, feelin’ the reality of them stab me in the chest again.
“Now ya really are talkin’ shit, Cole. That girl’s crazy about you, she’s been cryin’ for days. This is your chance to be happy and do you know how frustratin’ it is for us all to watch you throw that away?”
“Yeah, well try fuckin’ livin’ it, Wade.” I get up in my brother's face. “It don’t matter that she wants me back, and it don’t matter how much I feel for her. I.Can’t. Have. Her.”
“Andwhynot?” He stares back at me, looking as confused as he is agitated.
“Because I’m fuckin’me.” I lose my shit and yell at him. “I’m not the guy who takes a girl travelling around the world, I ain’t the guy who’ll take ‘em to a fuckin’ barn dance. Despite what she thinks, I’m not what she needs. I’m too far gone.” My fist slams into the tailgate of my truck and makes a dent.
“I just hope you don’t regret what you're doin’.” Wade looks just as disappointed in me as Garrett did the other day before he walks away and leaves me.
I try not to think of her and the guy who came here for her, together, but I’m a sucker for self-torture so I fail. Maisie says he’s a good guy, and I know as well as she does that he’s Savannah’s best option, but that don’t make the thought of him touching her any easier to fuckin’ bear. Wade was wrong when he said I’m in denial. There’s no denial when it comes to Savannah. I know exactly how I feel about her and I know what I’m letting go of, but for once in my life I’m trying to be a good man.
There don’t seem like any comfort in that right now though. Savannah will think I’m being cruel, but if breaking her heart alittle now will save her from having it destroyed down the line, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
I busy myself around the yard the best I can, trying to avoid thinking about why she’s been gone for so long. From what I hear the two of them were together for a long time, I’ll bet they’ve got lots in common. Daniel strikes me as the kinda guy who would have treated her right and respectfully, unlike me, who fucked her right here in this yard like she meant nothing to me. It was cruel, but I had to try and make her understand what she was dealin’ with. I wanted her to hate me so she’d run as far away from me as she could get. I underestimated how stubborn and determined she was, and the girl ended up telling me that she loved me instead.
If I try too hard to understand it all, my head starts to hurt and my heart beats too fast.
“Cole,” Mitch calls out at me from the other side of the yard.
I take a deep breath before turning around for him. He’s the only one who knows what happened the night Garrett decided to let our Mom go unpunished for what she did, and I’m reminded of the secret he’s keeping for me every time I look at him.
“I wanna talk to ya ‘bout that text you sent me last week.” He takes off his hat and lowers his voice. “The one concernin’ Mason,” he reminds me with a raised eyebrows.
I recall drinkin’ too much whiskey one night while I was alone at the Bambrook brothers’ place. I text him and told him that old man Mason was gonna be the next person to feel the wrath of my anger and I wasn’t fuckin’ bluffin’. What he did to Aubrey’s grave yesterday has only made me more determined.
“What about it?” I shrug like it ain’t a big deal.
“I just wanna make sure that you ain’t thinking about doing somethin’ stupid. Not now, when your brother’s goin’ head-to-head with the man in an election campaign.”
Now really ain’t the time for someone to be chipping away at my patience, no matter how much I respect ‘em.
“Accidents happen all the time.” I dust off my hands.
“Cole, I ain’t a fan of keepin’ secrets.” He looks around the yard. “And I won’t be burdened with another one of yours,” he tells me firmly.
“You know as well as I do that it was Mason who arranged for those Bambrooks to bring their dogs here and tear up our herd. That can’t go unpunished. It ain’t the Carson way,” I remind him.
