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“You’ll be fine.” Jess smiles a little. “It’s worth it. All the shit we as mums have to endure, it’s all worth it.”
Sitting forward, I turn on the radio. 4 Non-BlondesWhat’s Up, plays through the speakers.
“Dad used to love this song.” Jess sings, turning it up.
“I remember.”
Thinking wistfully to myself, Jess nudges my arm after the song finishes. “You nervous about seeing him?”
Nervous? “No,” I tell her truthfully. Nothing will change for us. Regardless of paternity, I know nothing different. My childhood memories don’t involve Rocco. They involve the man who tucked me in at night. The man who read to me. Took me to after school club, taught me how to ride my bike and play catch. I can’t wait to see him.
We arrive at Dad’s later that afternoon. Forever and a day seems to have passed since we last saw him. Nothing inside his house has changed. Bar a fresh lick of paint, the halls are still graced with family photos and memorabilia from his days playing cricket.
As he places some nibbles on the table, he sits himself down, wiping his nose with his hanky. His faced has aged. His hair greyer than I remember. “It’s good to see you girls,” he says with a snivel.
“Dad.” Jess stands, wrapping her arms around him. “Whyare you getting emotional you big softy?”
He swipes his eye as Jess rubs at his back. “I’m not,” he lies, shoving his hanky back in his pocket. “It’s just been so long since I saw you. You both look,” his eyes flit between the two of us, “you both look so grown up.”
“You do too, Dad,” I say pointing at my hair as I widen my eyes towards his greys.
“You cheeky...” We laugh, and I shuffle myself from the sofa, making my way to him for a hug.
I give Jess a nod. “I love you,” I tell him, squeezing my arm around him.
He squeezes me tighter. “You don’t know how much it means to hear you say that.”
I lean back so I can see his face. “Actually, I think I do.”
His lips roll, stopping himself from crying. He then coughs, steeling his spine. “Nothing’s changed, has it? Because, I spent every day loving you like you were my own.”
The elephant in the room is addressed, and I appreciate him not beating around the bush. “Nothinghas changed.” I sit on a chair close to where he sits.
I want to ask him so many questions about my childhood. About how he raised me knowing I wasn’t really his. But considering everything I’ve come to learn from Mum about Rocco, it’s clear what the underlying factor is here. “It says a lot about someone, to be able to love and raise someone else’s child as their own.”
He smiles. “It was easy.” He lifts a thumb over his shoulder towards Jess. “She was the pain in the arse.”
We break out in laughter, the mood lightening somewhat. Jess moves to sit down, scooping up a handful of crisps before she does.
“The hardest part,” my eyes dart to his, “was hearing you were moving up north. It wasn't giving you your name, or havingto watch you grow up looking nothing like me. It was feeling like I lost you.”
My eyes mist, tears clogging my vision. Sadness swells in my throat. That must have been so hard for him. All alone down here. “My name?” I ask him.
Dad sighs. He lifts his drink, taking a sip before he places it back on the table. “Your mum. She was hell-bent on calling you Rose. I just knew… could tell why she wanted that so bad. We fought, but eventually we compromised. I chose Madison, but Rocco, he chose the name Rose.”
My tears fall. I rest my elbow on the table, holding my head in my hand.
Jess places her hand on Dad’s shoulder.
The overriding emotion coursing through me is one of sheer sadness and heartache. I feel pain for my mum; losing the man she truly loved. I feel pain for my dad; raising a child that wasn’t his. And I feel pain for Rocco; for giving up what he loved to keep them safe. “If he hadn’t left, then I wouldn’t have had you as my dad. I wouldn’t have Jess. Who knows where I’d be or what I’d be doing.”
Jess smiles, and I look up to her, wondering what on earth is making her grin like she is. I see her eyes fill. “You were always going to meet Dean.” She says it more to herself than to anyone else.
I look at her, my eyes squinting.
She shakes herself out of thought. “Don’t you see? You were destined to meet him. Whether you grew up there, or down here with us. Either way, you wouldalwayshave met him.”
My heart bursts. Like stars exploding in my veins, Jess’ words send a surge of happiness to flood my soul.
