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I know I can’t do this forever. I have to face reality and process what I went through, but right now, I just can’t.
My apartment is quiet. Dallas went to the gym when Griffin came back from his workout. One of them is always here; they never leave me. At first, I was angry about that. I wanted to be alone, but now, the thought of being alone has my stomach in knots, and my chest tightening in fear. It’s odd. I’ve never felt this way, never been so attached to anyone before. Is it the grief or is it something more?
The shower turns on in my bathroom and, for a split second, I think about joining Griffin. That thought disappears as quickly as it popped into my head, like everything else these days. When I think about doing anything, my mind asks why? Why should I do it when nothing matters? Nothing feels good. There is no motivation for me to get up, but I force my legs to swing out anyway.
My stomach growls painfully. I’ve barely eaten anything the last few days, and I can feel my body getting weaker. I need to eat something. Even if it’s just a few tiny bites or one of those protein shakes, Dallas has been making for me.
I sit up on the side of my bed, and my head spins immediately. When was the last time I even got up? Too long ago apparently because the moment I push up on my feet, I’m wobbly on my legs, as if my muscles don’t know what to do anymore. I take a moment to steady myself, glad that neither Griffin nor Dallas are here to see me act this pitiful.
When I feel steady enough to walk, I make my way to the kitchen. I’m not surprised when I find a brown box with the logo of my favorite bakery sitting on my counter. Teagan has been bringing me bear claws almost every day, even though I have declined to eat them every single time.
I step up to the counter and open the brown paper box. There are four bear claws inside, looking delicious. I pick up the box, holding them inches from my face to take a deep breath. The familiar aroma of the sweet treat and its spices fills my lungs. My stomach growls and responds, begging me to take a bite.
Setting the box back down on the counter, I take out one of the sugary treats and take a small bite. The soft pastry nearly melts on my tongue. I chew the morsel slowly, waiting for the familiar satisfaction that comes with eating sweets. I’m waiting for my taste buds to explode with joy, to urge me to chew and swallow so I can take an even bigger bite next. But none of that comes. Even my favorite food from my favorite bakery is simply tasteless.
“Good to see you up.” Griffin startles me.
The bear claw slips from my hand and lands with a low thud on the kitchen counter.
“Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay,” I say quickly, putting the pastry back in the box. I grab a paper towel to clean up the mess I made. “I just didn’t expect you out of the shower so quickly.”
“I just went to rinse off after my workout.”
I look over to where he is standing. He’s wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his lower body. His hair is wet, making it look almost black. Usually, when I look at his half naked Adonis-like body, my own body comes alive, and I have the urge to hump him like a hormonal teenager. Today I feel nothing. I’m just numb to everything.
The worst part of it is that I want to feel something. But I know if I do, it will open the floodgates, and I will feel everything instead of something. And for that, I’m not ready yet.
“I think I’m just going to go back to bed for now. It’s still early.” I glance to the floor to ceiling window where the first rays of sunshine filter through into my apartment.
“Care if I join you?”
“Of course not.” Griffin and Dallas have been sleeping in the bed with me for the last two weeks. But sleep has been all we’ve been doing. The few times either of them tried to hold me, I pushed them away, wanting to be alone in my grief. Which is why I’m not surprised when we lie down on the mattress, and Griffin keeps a healthy amount of space between us.
We stay in bed for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling without saying a word, until I feel the sudden need to be closer. I scoot over to Griffin, close enough to feel the body heat radiating off his half naked body. The towel is still secured around his groin, but I have the sudden urge to rip it off. Fighting that urge, I scoot even closer until my arm and leg is pressed against his. When I tilt my head to look at his face, I find him already staring at me. His facial expression holds so many emotions, it’s hard to pick one. There is a yearning in his eyes I haven’t seen before, and I suddenly feel terrible about pushing him and Dallas away the last few days. All they wanted to do was hold me, and I couldn’t even give them that.
