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Elliot takes a drink and leans back in his chair, a grin on his face. “This girl thought she could get away with cheatingright in front of me. Can you believe it? She had the gall to look surprised when I went to tell mom.”
When he pauses, I notice with some guilt that he’s looking at me expectantly. “Oh! Wow, that’s crazy.” I let out a forced chuckle and sit upright in my chair, trying to bring myself into the moment. “I’m sure your mother was furious.”
His lips form a line, and he nods, glancing away briefly before looking back my way, concern carved into his features. “What’s up? You’ve been a bit out of it today. In fact,” he looks down at his hands, “you’ve been a bit out of it every time we see each other. Is this…not working for you or something?”
Fuck. So much for trying to play it off—clearly acting isn’t in my future. I contemplate lying and saying I’m fine, but instead sigh and give in. “Sorry, Elliot. It’s not you. Really.” I turn to him and lay a hand on his arm in a friendly gesture. “I mean, we’ve talked about how weird this process is. I guess it’s just a bit harder for me.”
He nods but doesn’t look relieved. “Okay…but you didn’t answer my question. Is this not working for you?”
I contemplate this for a moment. The truth is, if Arman were not in the picture, I could picture Elliot and I having a fine life together. But I can’t fully invest in that, not until I know exactly what I’m getting into…and more importantly, what I could possibly be leaving behind. I’ll feel more confident when I meet with Arman again tomorrow, I’m sure. “This is working for me. I mean…itwillwork for me. There’s some stuff I’m working through, but I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable sharing that with you yet. With anyone, really.” I’m only lying a little; I’ll probably never be comfortable telling him about this.
Elliot stares at me for another moment, eyes dulling slightly, but he brushes it off. “Yeah, of course. No problem. Let’s eat.” He’s clearly unhappy with my answer, turning to his food in silence.
This has me panicking slightly. My parents will be beyond angry with me if I mess this up, especially so soon. If I’m going to make this work, I need to learn to handle it; there’s no other way. Suddenly, an idea strikes. “How about this: let’s invite both our friends to a little get together at my house. I’ll ask my parents to take my siblings out for dinner and a movie, or something. Thatway, we can be around people we’re most comfortable with and maybe then I can relax a bit more. Maybe two nights from now? To give everyone a heads up?” Because I have plans tomorrow night. Again, not telling him that.
His mood seems to lighten a bit at the idea. He sends a small smile my way and cuts into his chicken. “That sounds like a great idea. I look forward to it.” He pokes me playfully in the side. “And I look forward to seeing you let loose,for once.” When he gives me a wink, I know I’m in the clear. For now.
We enjoy our dinner with more lively conversation. I’m pleasantly surprised at his cooking skills and tell him so. Being a bit of a culinary savant myself, I can be a tough critic, which only serves to please him more. Before I know it, our food is eaten and it’s time for me to head home.
Elliot walks me to the door, standing next to me awkwardly. “Well…bye, then.”
Guilt swells up in my chest. He’s acting so shy because of my behavior, that’s obvious. I silently promise myself to become more interested in our connection, if only to make him feel better about this whole thing. I smile widely at him and lean in for a hug. “Bye, Elliot. Thanks for dinner.” I feel some tension release from his body at the contact.
We wave goodbye one last time and as I walk down the stairs of his porch, I have an overwhelming need to see Olivia. Elliot lives a bit farther away from Olivia and me, as his family is not part of the council, so I need to ask our driver to take us to her house. My parents won’t question it; Olivia’s always been my go-to and they’ll figure I want to gush over my date.
I get into the back of the car and request the driver to go to my best friend’s house, and then settle into the leather seat with a sigh. The car ride is silent; our driver is amazing at reading emotions and knowing when or when not to strike upconversation. This fills me with relief, because all I want to do is stew in my emotions right now.
When I arrive at Olivia’s, I give her parents my excuse. As expected, there are no questions and I head up to her room.
“Liv?” I slowly open the door after one quick knock.
She’s on her bed, reading a book while listening to music through some ear pods. I take the opportunity to jump on her bed, making her start and rip her ear pods out. “Amelia, what the hell!” She places a hand on her heart, eyes wide. “You scared me.”
I laugh and scoot over to her side, and then sigh.
Olivia marks her book and lies back down, turning to face me. “How’d your date go?”
I shrug and move closer to her, craving comfort. “Fine. That’s not why I’m here, though.”
She sighs and nods. “Figured. Kind of hard to focus on boring old Society when you have a whole Dark Elder in your back pocket.”
When I glance at her, she has a smile forming on her lips. I snort and pinch her side. “Okay, but seriously. I need to figure this out because Elliot can tell more and more that I’m off. I can’t keep telling him that I just need time.”
Olivia fidgets with the comforter, her brow furrowed in thought. “What do you think you need, to be able to let go of the whole thing? Or…to move forward with whatever you’re feeling?”
WhatdoI need? I keep thinking that getting more answers will assuage me and I can finally let go. I’m not going to touch the second part of her question. Arman doesn’t seem to be pushing me into anything; if I told him I didn’t want to see him again, I’m starting to believe he’d leave me be. The part that’s truly starting to scare me is that when I get more answers, I maynot want him to. That deep-set feeling I keep trying to ignore tells me that IknowI won’t want him to.
I realize I’ve been quiet for some time, lost in my thoughts. “I…I don’t know. I feel like I’m still discovering that.”
She clenches her jaw and looks at me, her eyes searching. “Just…be careful, Amelia. This is fun, I think so, too. This could be dangerous. I know you feel you can trust him…what was it, Arman? But keep in mind everything we know about the Dark Elders and what they’re capable of.” She holds up her hand, as if expecting me to argue. “I’m not saying they’re right. All I’m saying is, keep your wits about you until you know for sure.”
I don’t know how to respond to this. My view of Dark Elders is changing, that’s for sure. Perhaps he is just manipulating me, but I also can’t ignore the fact that I’vealwaysquestioned the way we do things within the Society’s walls. Maybe not aloud, but there has always been a feeling that I’m not where I’m meant to be. That’s why I struggle so much with going to service and why I have been struggling with the True Partner process so massively.
Olivia is still looking at me, trying to gauge my reaction to her words. Finally, she asks, “What’re you thinking?”
I shrug and lie on my back, staring at the ceiling. “A lot. And also, nothing. I don’t know, Liv, I seriously don’t know.” Suddenly, I shoot up in the bed, frustration coursing through my veins. “I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I’m torn between what I have been told is the ‘right’ thing to do and what Ifeelis the right thing to do.”
She sits up, though calmer and slower than me. “What do you feel is the right thing to do?” Her tone is gentle as she rubs my arm in a comforting gesture.
