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“If it’s just for fun, why would you be this hurt?” Ivy asked.
“Because it’s so embarrassing!” I took another gulp. “She’s acted like she was wild about me for over a month, and then when I finally give in, it’s like I disgust her?”
“It’s her ego that’s hurt.” Ivy was psychoanalyzing me like I wasn’t even there.
I could admit I’d fucked up a lot of things tonight. I hadn’t been clear that I wanted the night to end sexually. I figured if it was just a hook-up, it shouldn’t be too date-like. Then it actually had felt like a date, having a romantic walk together in the woods. The moment she’d given her jacket to me, I’d had to stop myself from holding her hand.Herhand. It still felt funny to hear that in my mind.
I should’ve been more straightforward, asked if I could go over to her place. Was that how it worked with all the other girls that she got with? She was the expert, not me.
“I don’t have the slightest clue how things work between two girls!” I slumped forward, setting my head on the table.
Deanne patted my back some more. “Maybe she already has a girlfriend.”
I had to hand it to Ivy and Deanne. Given they hadn’t known I was interested in women—or one woman—until ten minutes ago, they were rolling with it without any issues. And they hadn’t given me shit about breaking my vow. Which I hadn’t.
“She doesn’t,” I said. “I already asked her.”
“Maybe she lied,” Ivy offered.
“But if she was going to lie, why not go with it when I kissed her?” I rolled my head from side to side. “She’s just not into me.”
“She could’ve just been surprised,” Deanne said. “Maybe she’s still down to hook up.”
I grimaced, closing my eyes and putting my forearms under my head. “No, I don’t think so.” The look on her face had been nothing short of appalled. How could she be so turned off after all the things she’d said? I wasn’t used to rejection, and this hurt.
I didn’t even know what I’d expected to happen. Was she supposed to whisk me off to her place and have her way with me? I still wasn’t sure what I would’ve been comfortable with sexually. Kissing a girl was fine, if it was for fun, and I had to admit I got a little turned on by thoughts of touching and fondling. I’d even be willing to let Tara go down on me—but what if she wanted me to return the favor?
“You can find another girl, if that’s what you’re looking for,” Deanne said gently. “I’m sure it couldn’t be too hard to find someone who wants to fool around.”
I straightened up, my stomach wrenching. “I don’t want another girl, I want that one. I don’t get it! She liked me. And it’sme.” Not to brag, but I knew I was hot. I had no issues getting guys, so why should girls be different?
“We know, we know.” Ivy was starting to sound irritated.
“No offense, Chelsea, but everyone gets rejected from time to time,” Lora said. “It’s not the end of the world. You’re acting a tiny bit immature.”
I stared at her. I was the farthest thing from immature! I worked, I drove, I took care of myself. I waited for one of the others to tell her off, but the room was silent.
“Aren’t you two going to say anything?” I looked at Deanne and Ivy, who squirmed in their seats. “Tell her she’s wrong.”
“Chelsea, we love you, but…” Deanne hesitated. “You’re coming off a little self-centered.”
Ivy nodded. “You can’t have everyone you want. I’ve never dated or hooked up, and I’ve never been as dramatic about it as you’re being tonight.”
“We know you’re upset…” Deanne faltered.
Lora took over. “But it’s not just tonight. You have a tendency to do this.” She waved a hand at me.
I glanced at Deanne and Ivy again. They seemed uncomfortable, like they didn’t want to admit to thinking this. But they weren’t denying it, either. It seemed kind of like all of them had been thinking this for a while and had never bothered to tell me.
I swallowed. I never knew my friends had such negative thoughts about me. Obviously they were wrong. They didn’t understand where I was coming from. If they were in my shoes, if they had been through my experiences…
“We love you,” Deanne said again. “It’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s just something for you to think about. You said you were going to focus on yourself, right? This is something you can improve. That’s all.”
I slumped in my seat. It took an effort to not go on the defensive and immediately reject the idea. But she was right. I was working on myself for a year, and my friends were giving me constructive criticism. If they found me self-centered, men would, too. Maybe that was why I’d never had luck with them.
“Okay, I’ll think about it. But…” My words came out desperately. “If you guys were gay, you’d hook up with me, wouldn’t you?”
“Of course!” All of them nodded.
