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I stayed by the bar and sipped my drink, gawking at the crowd. Even though it was still early, the place was already filling up.
“Look!” Ivy yelled into my ear. “Those two guys are holding hands.”
“Um, yeah. It’s a gay bar. What did you expect?” I tried to sound more worldly than I actually was. Now that I’d seen the guys, it was hard not to stare at them.
My friends grouped around me, chattering enthusiastically. I ignored most of what they were saying, instead letting my head swerve from one side to the other. Did I feel comfortable here? Did I feel like I belonged?
“How are you feeling?” Lora asked, clinking her glass against mine.
“Okay.”
She leaned in to make herself heard. “You know what I mean! Are you feeling… gay?”
I bit my lip. “I don’t think so.”
The sight of two girls slow-dancing to the fast music made me gulp and look away. There was a funny feeling in my stomach, but that didn’t mean anything.
Now Deanne grabbed my arm, trying to get my attention. “Is there anyone you like?” She searched the room way too obviously. “That girl looks butch. Isn’t that your type?”
I squinted. “I think that’s a feminine guy, actually, but thank you.”
All three of them were gaping and gawking all over the place. Since I was grouped in with them, we probably looked like a group of straight girls who had just come to stare. The thought bothered me more than maybe it should’ve.
“Can we stand a little less closely?” I yelled to the others. “Like, make me look a little gayer?”
They all looked at each other. “Chelsea, babe, I’m not sure exactly how to do that,” Lora said.
“Never mind.” I was only here to check things out, anyway. It didn’t matter what anyone thought of me. Besides, Iwasstraight—mostly.
I scanned the room again, and my breath caught in my throat. “Oh, my God.”
They all clumped even tighter around me. “What?” Ivy asked.
“Over there.” I gestured with my head, trying to be as subtle as possible. “It’s her.”
“Who, her?” Deanne had had the most to drink. “Her, her?”
I nodded curtly, and the words came out in a whisper. “It’s Tara.”
She was at a table with three other people, all of them talking animatedly and drinking. She was wearing a plain, loose white T-shirt, like she’d just rolled out of bed. There was no way she’d spent half an hour agonizing over what to wear, and yet she looked better than me. She was effortlessly beautiful.
Her friends were as cool as I would’ve imagined they would be. One guy had the side of his head shaved, while the other was in a ripped T-shirt. The girl had a ring through the center of her nose. They didn’t have to make any effort to fit in at a place like this. They were all obviously, totally gay—they’d probably never even had to question it.
“She’s hot,” Lora said.
I looked at her sharply.
“What? She is.”
Ivy and Deanne both nodded, and Ivy fanned herself. “If I had the least spark of bicuriosity in my body…”
I glared at her. “Back off.”
But Tara wasn’t mine, anyway. A sense of longing came over me as I gazed at her. Was that all that had happened to me? Had Tara awakened a flicker of curiosity? I had to dismiss the idea. The way I kept thinking about her was more than a spark. The way I kept craving her lips and fantasizing about her body…
She looked in my direction, and I immediately turned my head away. “Hide me!”
“Don’t you want to go talk to her?” Deanne asked.
