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I hesitated, not knowing how to explain this. In a way, it was a mystery to me, too. “It’s hard for me to open up,” I finally said. “I never know who I can trust. Growing up, if I confided in the wrong person, I’d be beaten up, or locked out of the house, or sent to another foster home.” My throat was tight. “I trust my chosen family with my life, and yet I didn’t even tell them. When something is this big, I know the only person I can fully rely on is myself.”
“You can trust me.”
I closed my eyes. I knew I could. I could hear that she wasn’t saying the words lightly. She meant them, and I believed her.
I’d been holding back for so long—not giving myself to her fully. That was why I’d never been able to open up in bed. But she’d proved herself to me. She’d been there for me, again and again.
She wasn’t the kids I’d known in my childhood. She wasn’t anyone else but herself. And she was different from anyone I’d met in my entire life.
Tonight was the first time she’d hurt me—and tonight was an aberration. The wound was already healing over, and in its place was something delicate and fragile and beautiful. There was a name for it. Love.
“I love you,” I said, trying out the words. “I…loveyou.”
I’d never thought I’d say those words to anyone—but I hadn’t thought I’d feel that way, either, and now they felt surprisingly natural falling from my lips. I loved Chelsea with every fiber of my being, and I needed her to know that.
I loved her at her best, and I loved her at her worst. Even when she’d been awful to me, that hadn’t kept me from adoring her.
She took a sharp gasp. “I love you, too.”
My heart stuttered. I’d expected to hear those words even less than I’d expected to say them. “You don’t have to say it back to me.” I hadn’t wanted to pressure her in any way. I hadn’t planned this, really—the words had just felt right.
“You think I don’t want to?” she said. “I’ve felt this way for a while. I just didn’t know when I should tell you.”
My breath caught in my chest. She’d been waiting to tell me that? It wasn’t possible. People like me didn’t get loved.
I’d been a burden my whole life, constantly shoved aside and disregarded. I’d been made to feel that my presence was a nuisance and that the world would’ve been better if I’d never been born. The only times I’d been shown kindness were when I had something to offer in return. Even my own blood relatives only wanted me if they could cut me open and take out a part of me.
My mouth opened, then shut. I couldn’t reconcile my entire lived experience with what Chelsea had just said. My mind was short-circuiting. How could this be?
“Baby?” she asked. “Are you still there?”
I sucked in a huge breath. “Yes. Sorry. I—I wasn’t expecting that.”
“In a bad way?”
“In a good way. A very, very good way. I love you so much.” Now that I’d started saying that, I was never going to stop. “I want to tell you what’s been going on—but not over the phone. Can you come over?”
“Now?”
I glanced at the window. It was pitch-black—it had to be past eleven, if not midnight. But I wasn’t going to let that keep me from the girlfriend that I loved, loved,loved.
“Yes,” I said. “Come over now.”
I crossed and re-crossed my legs as I hung up the phone. With the realization I’d had tonight and the words we’d just said, something had shifted in our relationship. A piece had fallen into place.
I needed to see my girlfriend—to hold her, to kiss her.
And I was ready for all the things I’d been waiting for.
26
Tara
Watching Chelsea walk into my apartment felt different than ever before. For one thing, I’d almost lost her. For a few heart-wrenching hours, I’d thought she’d walked into this apartment for the last time.
Second, we’d said we loved each other. That was huge, and I was still processing it.
Third, I was going to open up about the secret I’d been keeping—the bomb so explosive, I hadn’t even told my close friends.
