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“I think I’m going to do that,” I said. “Since I have all of you on the phone, there’s one other thing.”
The whole saga of Ava and the kidney transplant was on the tip of my tongue. The words were jumbling into sentences, eager to come out. But I paused instead of speaking, and soon the silence stretched uncomfortably long.
“Are you going to tell us?” Kyle asked.
I bit my lip. “Maybe not.”
I didn’t want their opinions on this. I wanted Chelsea’s.
That realization was strange, and yet it made sense. Somehow, over the past few months, she’d become closer to me than anyone ever had—including my chosen family. I checked in with her about things as minor as which shirt to wear. And I also trusted her with larger issues, like whether I should consider going back to school.
I’d been so tense and edgy since Ava had contacted me. And I’d made it worse by shutting Chelsea out. If I’d talked through it with her, I could’ve figured out what to do by now. Instead, I’d let the stress build up and up until I’d exploded at her. Was it so hard to understand why she’d exploded back at me in turn?
“If you need to talk, we’re here for you,” Nia said. “And if you’re not ready to talk, we understand that, too.”
“Thank you for that.” I touched the screen softly. How had I lucked out enough to have such perfect friends?
Once we hung up, I lay quietly for a few minutes, trying to see our fight from Chelsea’s perspective. If this truly was the worst thing she’d ever been through—and with her comfortable life, that almost seemed possible—it could be hard to see past the pain of that moment, to take a larger perspective on her life and mine. She likely hadn’t thought before she spoke, and certainly hadn’t thought about who she was speaking to. She wouldn’t have reflected on my life story before making that statement.
I sat up and crossed my legs on my bed. I knew what I had to do—and it wasn’t going to be easy. Part of me feared that she wouldn’t see how what she said was wrong. If she doubled down on her statement, it would be clear that she really wasn’t the person I thought she was—and it would hurt twice as much.
Was there any way I could forgive her if she did? After all, I didn’t have a monopoly on pain. Maybe when someone’s life was easy like hers, the hard parts were just as bad as the hard parts in mine. Maybe your reaction depended on your baseline, not on a universal standard. Given how bright and cheerful she tended to be, the rejection had sent her far below her baseline.
No, I decided. If she truly thought being rejected by a single game company on her first attempt was worse than anything that had happened in my childhood, that would be too much. I couldn’t go so far as to make excuses for that.
But I’d give her one more chance. And I’d be honest this time.
My hands trembled as I picked up the phone. After five rings, she answered.
Her voice was muffled and hoarse, as if she’d been crying. “Tara. You’re calling to break up with me, I guess. I deserve it.”
“It crossed my mind.” I swallowed. Despite how mad at her I’d been, hearing the pain in her voice hurt me. “Do you have anything to say to me?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She sniffled. “I wasn’t thinking. I’m a fucking moron.”
“No, you’re not,” I said sternly. “Thoughtless? Impulsive? Self-centered? That much is for sure.”
“You can add ‘overdramatic’ and ‘immature’ to that list.” She sounded contrite. “I know you’re never going to forgive me.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.” I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my head on them. “You know, I have a list of my own.”
“Amazing? Strong? Resilient?”
“Those might be on there,” I admitted. “But there’s bad stuff, too. I wasn’t very sympathetic when you were hurting. I wasn’t patient with you. In fact, I was a bit of a jerk.”
Hope crept into her voice. “That’s kind of true—although I was much worse.”
I didn’t know if she’d think so anymore once I finished. “There’s more, baby.” I paused, savoring how good it felt to call her that. It’d been so terrifying when I thought I’d lost her. “You can put ‘dishonest’ and ‘secretive’ on my list, too.”
“You do have another girlfriend!”
“No, baby, no.” I shocked myself by managing to laugh. “I haven’t looked at another woman since I met you, and I don’t think I ever will.”
“What is it, then?” she asked. “And is it related to the way you’ve changed lately?”
“Probably.” I’d been trying my best to seem normal. I’d thought I was putting on such a good act. She could see through me—of course she could. “Something happened, and I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I wanted to deal with it on my own. I shut you out, and I let you wonder whether the change in my attitude was because of you. The truth is, you’ve been the brightest spot in my life since the day we met. Leaving tonight aside, you’ve brought me nothing but joy. Some days, you’re the only thing that gets me through. And then when something huge happened, I kept it to myself.”
“Why?” she whispered.
