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But those were not our choices to make, and we have nothing to do now but build on Jack's decisions.
To that end, I have finished reading his diaries and letters, and they've been enlightening. I've made the decision to give you all of the things that pertain only to you and to Julien. He wrote several entries that I think you will want to read. They are yours. The diary entries will be copied and sent to you, and you have my express permission to do with them what you will. My thought is that you could use them in a book about your love story with Jack, and/or use them simply as a springboard that will allow you to write a book of your own. It will sell. You would find a publisher with no problem. In doing so, you will secure a financial future for yourself and for Julien, one that I interrupted by publicly announcing Jack's suicide, resulting in the cancellation of the insurance policy.
Writing it might also be cathartic for you, so there you have it: two birds, one stone. Of course it requires you to do the actual writing, but you have my blessing to do so. I am no longer worried about what the world knows or thinks about me, my marriage, or Jack. Let the truth set us all free.
I will send the diary entries to you, and I hope they serve you well. I know the children will continue to be in touch over the years (and I hope that they do), but this should close out the official business between you and me.
I wish you nothing but peace and happiness.
Best,
Ruby
From: Ruby Hudson
To: Dexter North
Dex,
I've started and stopped an email to you at least a thousand times since you left. Okay, maybe more like ten times, but still. It feels like a thousand.
When you left, I didn't quite know what to expect. I don't think I expected radio silence, but I can appreciate a person's need to think in peace, and I wanted you to have that. But now that it's been a couple of weeks, I wanted to reach out.
I think we have something good. (Had something? I'm not even sure where you are with "us" at the moment.) In my eyes, we still have this great, growing, blossoming, interesting, companionable, passionate, fun, satisfying emotional connection. For me, my life is moving towards that kind of strong, quiet connection that leads to a deep sense of peace. I can't go back in time and restart my life to live the bumpy, heady years of fertility and uncharted romance again, but I don't want to take that part of life away from you. If those are things you still want and need, then I will step aside and wish you well while you find them.
But if you think that maybe you'd be okay with long evenings of reading by the fire, dinners for two in amazing cities, and holidays without the promise of Santa Claus and the patter of little feet (unless they're paws; I'd love to have a dog or two!), then I hope you think our relationship is worth pursuing. I don't expect anything traditional if that's not where your heart is; I've done the big wedding and all of that, and if the rest of my life is spent in a beautiful partnership and nothing more concrete, I can accept that. However, I am also a big fan of matrimony and love, so if what you wanted was a bride in white and a matched set of rings, I could definitely do that too.
I love you, Dexter. I love you enough to be what you need from me. I love you enough to let you go if that's what I have to do. I love you enough that I've spent the past two weeks hoping you won't letmego. I love you enough to reach out first--tentatively, hopefully, with my heart in my hands. I'll be here waiting, Dex. I'll wait for you to sort through your stuff and tell me how you feel.
Until then, I'll just walk the beach, swim in the sea, and stock my bookshelves. Happily. Because I finally realize that no one else can truly make me happy or unhappy. At fifty, it'smyjob to make me happy.
Everything else is just icing on the cake.
With all my love (and patience as I wait for your reply),
Ruby
