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“I’m sorry?”
“You and Grey. It makes sense. You’re both betas, you’re both amazing. You like one another. Instead of dating some random beta out of a sense of obligation.”
“I don’t have a sense of ob?—”
“Yeah, you do. To the society. To what you think your nature dictates.”
“But you understand me, you said?—”
“Forget what I said. Didn’t I say I’m an idiot? You should do what feels right for you, Gige. Not what your mom tells you to do. I thought you were better at this than me.”
I swallow hard. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t think Grey wants to go out with me. Last time I talked to him, he was mad at me.”
“He was?”
“You tell me to do what I want, but you think betas don’t actually have feelings, do you? A bit of a contradiction there? Maybe you should go out with Grey, properly go out, before you offer him to me on a plate.”
His eyes glitter. “Gige…”
“I don’t want to destroy our friendship, Ron. I really, really don’t.”
“Don’t worry,” he says, almost absently, rubbing the back of his neck, gaze going distant. “I mean, fuck, you’re right. Only he won’t talk to me, either, and I don’t know what the hell to do. What to do about Grey, about Zayne, about Casey… about you.”
It’s an echo of my own thoughts, the same names that keep scrolling through my mind. I stare at him, open-mouthed, because I hadn’t realized he also had non-boyfriends, that we shared them.
And a non-girlfriend now, too. Which is me.
Without another word, he heads back into the gym, and though it breaks the tension between us, I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to leave things like this. He was supposed to understand, not say confusing things like,‘Aren’t we good enough for you?’and‘You look like you’re about to cry.’
And wait, did he… did he say that I wouldn’t want him because he’s damaged? What am I missing? What happened to Ron to make him think that?
My Ron?
I stumble away from the gym, not sure where I’m going. In this city. In my life.
Why do I feel that the world is crumpling around me? Worse, that I’m the reason it’s falling apart? I don’t have a harem. My non-boyfriends are just that. Guys I’m attracted to. Guys I made out with. I have no business falling apart over this.
It occurs to me that it’s not the world that’s crumpling, it’s me.
I stop, breathless. What am I doing? What did I get myself into? It’s as if all my fears are coming true. I said I wouldn’t fall for them, that I’d just tick them off my list, but I was lying to myself hardcore. You can’t touch a flame and not get burned. Really, that’s what you get when you play with fire, and I should know better.
Telling them I’m going out with someone else only served to drive home the fact I’m not. Not really. I’m not looking forward to seeing Ronald again.
I don’t want anyone else except for my four guys.
The guys I practically shoved away.
Because it was the best thing to do, I tell myself. It was what I had to do, for me and for them. Long term, it was the only thing to do.
My arguments are starting to sound hollow inside my mind.
Don’t give up on your dreams,I tell myself.Don’t lose heart now when you’re getting close.
Close to what? Going out with Ronald? Is that what I want? Seriously? A guy I feel no attraction to whatsoever, just because he fits the mold I created in my mind? A checklist with its boxes ticked. A resume for the job of a husband.
My heart is lost, and as for my dreams…
What do I want? I thought one shouldn’t listen to attraction. It leads you astray. That one had to keep a clear head and choose someone based on logic.
