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“Clear!” Neil calls as the machine charges up. Everything stills, oxygen disappearing as we all study the trace.
“Come on!” Neil shouts. “You’re too fucking young to go out. What have you taken, you asshole?”
I’ve heard him talk to comatose patients before, and I usually catch someone’s eye and smile, but I can’t take my eyes off Fabian’s inert body. He says things to their face too, after whatever procedure he’s done. My chest gets tight watching him, his desire for life, the sheer passion and effort. Thank God. I would love to be like him one day, but I’m just standing here, saying anything I can remember.
He’s leaning over Fabian’s body, and laughter bubbles up my throat and I clamp my hand over my mouth. Fuck.
“Any other ideas anyone?”
“I read something about flumazenil and benzodiazepines?” Henry says.
No. Neil shakes his head. “High chance of seizure. Mixed drugs. Too much of a risk,” he says.
Silence. And still the trace on the monitor shows nothing but Fabian’s heart vibrating in his chest.
“He’s a friend, Neil,” I blurt out, throat tightening as I wrap my numb arms around my body to try and wake them up.
Neil’s eyebrows shoot up, gaze narrowing like he’s seeing me as a person and not an intern for the first time since we arrived in Resus.
“Right then,” he says and leans over Fabian’s body, “we’ll shock him again, and if it doesn’t help …”
We all nearly jump out of our skin as Fabian twitches.
“Could be involuntary,” he murmurs, leaning forward as Henry takes over the CPR from the resident, who shakes out his hands.
But no, suddenly the trace on the monitor starts to show an erratic heartbeat. Neil feels for a pulse, and then nods.
The room deflates like someone put a pin in a balloon. People start to smile. My hands are shaking, tremors moving up my arm to my torso. I stare at the smooth cream of the wall above all the machines. The nurses beaver around, and Neil and the resident examine the monitor as Fabian’s heartbeat settles into a weak but identifiable rhythm.
“Good call on the drug-taking,” the resident says, looking over at me.
I shake my head. There was no real skill involved in that.
“I want to review later,” Neil growls, stripping off his gloves. “If he did that to himself, I’m going to kill him when he comes around.”
Hot and cold sweat breaks out all over my body, and nausea bubbles up. I step out through the door and lurch against a wall, sinking to the floor and sticking my head between my knees. I really don’t want to pass out here. I stare down at the concrete as a pair of feet appear next to mine.
“It’s very different when it’s someone you know, isn’t it?” Neil says.
I look up at him. “I’m sorry I …”
But he waves a hand, cutting me off.
“I passed out when Daisy gave birth.” He laughs mercilessly. “I was a wreck. The ob-gyn still gives me shit about it. You did well in there. Is he a close friend?”
What do I say about that? What is Fabian to me?
“He’s best friends with my friend’s boyfriend.”
“Glad we saved him then.” He smiles a crooked smile at me, then nods at the door to Resus. “Get his blood tests done and up to X-ray and talk to the cardiac team. I also want him monitored for withdrawal. Page me if his condition changes.” And he is off, striding down the corridor. I swear he’s whistling. Another patient, another day in the ER, and I tip my head back, staring at the strip lights on the ceiling. This place is zero to one hundred, black and white, life and death, in the blink of an eye. One minute you’re dealing with a septic cut, the next moment someone is dead. Why is Neil so goddamn cheerful? Will I ever learn to ride this roller coaster, or will it chew me up in its wheels?
When I walk into the coronary care unit an hour later, Fabian is propped up in bed on his back, eyes closed, face gray, and my gaze moves to the monitors—the familiar peak and line of a normal trace. I unhook his chart from the end of the bed, and his eyes flick open. As he tries to struggle into more of a sitting position, I step forward to place my hand on his chest, and he places his hand on mine immediately, fingers tightening, and I sink down by his hip.
Fabian stares out of the window. “I don’t know what happened to me.”
Following his gaze, I take in the park, the East River, and the skyscrapers reaching up to the cloudless sky beyond. I swallow. “Your heart stopped, we …”
“I know. That doctor came in and gave me a lecture. Told me how many times you had to shock me.” His jaw stretches, then pops. “But I’ve no idea why I was in that state.”
