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I smooth his hair back from his face. “I know that, honey.”
“Blue. He was blue. Perfect like a little blue bird.”
My throat tightens. I don’t want to relive this. It was bad enough seeing him once, stroking his soft transparent skin as tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Fab, I can’t …”
“Why aren’t you more upset? You’re going in to work and …”
“I’m just trying to get through one day at a time. I have to work. I can’t afford another problem with the hospital.”
“Ice queen Kate,” he mumbles, and I stare at him, a sharp pain piercing my ribs and taking my breath away.
“What?”
“You box up your emotions like a robot. One compartment for people dying, one for your family. Cling-clang, shut the box, all sorted.”
Does he know what he’s saying? “This is what you think of me?” He doesn’t answer. “Would it be better if I was spaced out and taking drugs?”
Nothing. I look at the side of his head. There’s a bruise coming up on his temple.
“At least you’d be happy,” he mutters.
Happy?Red-hot lava bubbles up inside me. “So, getting out of your head every night is the solution?”
He scowls at me. “It’s better than trying to pretend it didn’t happen, to tough it out.”
“I’m not pretending it didn’t happen! And I’m not the one who’s in the ER every few weeks.”
“Doctors. Always so clinical.”
This time the pain takes hold of everything inside me.
“Shit, Kate, I’m sorry.” He shakes his head and tries to push himself up, tries to kiss me. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
And it all rises up inside me like a wave. “But you’re thinking it? Is this how you’re going to deal with everything? Every time something goes wrong, I’m going to have weeks, maybe months, of helping you pick up the pieces? What about me? I’m helpingyou, picking upyourpieces. Two people died on me today, one of them was in their teens, somebody’s son.” My hand lands on my chest. “I spent time talking to them today, honoringtheirchild. Who looks out for me? Just because I’m quiet about it doesn’t mean I feel Josh dying any less deeply. This is how you see me? You’re just self-absorbed and self-indulgent and taking me along for the ride.”
He’s staring at me eyes barely focusing, and I can’t take everything that’s rising up inside me any longer. My life feels like a forest fire has swept through it ever since I met him, razing everything I ever thought I knew about myself to the ground. And I’m up and out the door before he can say anything worse.
36
Kate
Iclose the door to the apartment and lean against it, sweat making my clothes stick to my body.
“Hey,” Liss says, face appearing around her bedroom door.
“Hey,” I growl.
She raises an eyebrow. “What’s up? I thought you were staying at Fabian’s tonight?”
I shake my head, throat tightening. And she narrows her eyes and walks across the floor to me.
“How was he? Are you okay?”
“He was high as a kite and we had an argument and he just … he said the most god-awful things to me.”
She tips back frowning. “What did he say?”
