Page 46 of Almost Priest

His lips kissed her temple and breathed in the clean scent of her hair laced with traces of smoke from the bonfire. Somehow their bodies twisted and settled so that his back rested against the headboard and her head rested on his chest. He continued to run his fingers over her hair, his palm over her shoulders, touching her anyway he could, as she spoke.

“It was winter and so cold even the Delaware had partially frozen over. Big blocks of white ice floated on the surface and all the foliage along the banks was temporarily frozen in place in the direction of whatever way the wind had last blown.

“We grew up between the creek and the river. Whenever it was cold enough we’d skate on the canal. That was the coldest winter I had ever seen. One morning, Meghan and I decided we’d go down to the canal to see if it was ready. My parents told us to wait for them, but I was fourteen and in no need of parental advice. We bundled up, grabbed our skates and headed across the frosted yard and into the woods. The canal was on the perimeter of our property, but still a ways from the house.

“As soon as we got there we smiled. It was a perfect canvas of untouched ice. We laced up our skates and tossed our shoes to the side. Meghan was the first to hit the ice. I was still lacing up my one skate as I watched her wobble through the dried decaying autumn leaves and down the bank. She stepped onto the ice just as I was standing and I rushed to catch up to her, afraid she’d hog all the fun and mark the ice before I had a chance. We liked to try and write our names in the surface with the blades of our skates and see who could make the best figure eight. She laughed as she coasted onto the ice and I told her I was going to race her to the bridge and win.

“When my foot first touched the surface there was a weird sound in the distance. When ice breaks, it doesn’t sound like you think it should. It isn’t loud, or rolling, it’s soft, like a cloud breaking off and floating to a different part of the sky. I didn’t know what I heard, but I looked anyway. There was a layer of frost on the surface so it was difficult to see any fractures. When I heard the sound again it was followed by Meghan’s squealing laughter as she raced down the canal toward the bridge. That was when it hit me and I realized what the sound was.

“I screamed her name as hard as I could and rushed to go after her, but before I even had both feet on the ice she’d disappeared. I never felt so alone in my entire life. Everything was silent. There wasn’t a splash or a creak or even a whisper in the empty woods. It felt like an hour, but I could’ve only been standing there for a minute. I didn’t understand why she didn’t just climb back out. It was a shallow canal. In the spring it barely reached our knees.

Once I realized she was trapped under the ice I didn’t know what to do. I thought to skate over to where she fell through, but hesitated; afraid I might fall in as well. I wanted to run for help, but with my skates it would’ve taken to long and been too late. The only thing I could think to do was trudge across the bank and get to where she had fallen. I kept talking to her as if she were right beside me the entire time, ‘It’s okay, Meghan. I’m coming, Meghan. We’ll get you out and Mom will make cocoa and let you use the heated blanket to get warm again.’ I think I even made a joke that while she was being babied I would be grounded for life for not listening to our parents.

“By the time I reached the hole in the ice I was flushed and sweating. I bit off my mittens and carefully crawled toward the opening. For a minute I thought she somehow tricked me. The hole seemed too small for her to fit through and there was a branch sticking out which told me the water was really shallow where she’d gone through. I actually looked around to see if she was hiding somewhere and considered that the entire thing was a dream, but then I saw her hand. It was already turning blue.

“I crawled as close as I could to where she was and began clawing at the ice. I must have been screaming because at some point my mother and father were there. My dad was in his slippers still. I watched him step into the water and try to break away the ice. He eventually got through it with the use of a heavy branch, but it was too late. Meghan drowned.”

Sam lost the battle with her tears. Warm wet puddles gathered on his chest. He held her and rocked her and thought of all the things he’d been advised to tell grieving family members who had lost loved ones, but none of those words seemed good enough for Samantha.

Eventually, she sat up and looked at him. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were red and puffy, yet she was still more beautiful than any woman he’d ever seen. He brushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear.

“I’m so incredibly sorry you had to suffer through that and that you’re still struggling with grief. Your loss is…it’s something no one should have to cope with. I’m sorry, Sammy.”

“Since then I’ve been terrified of water.”

He understood that without explanation. “Is it something you’re okay with or is it something you wish you could conquer?”

“I don’t think anyone likes feeling afraid or weak. But it’s my kryptonite. Whenever I’m close to water I become crippled with fear. I’ve tried hypnosis, therapy, meds, nothing helps. If I push myself I eventually shut down and have a panic attack. You saw how lovely they can be.”

His fingers softly pinched her chin. “You’re too much in your head. You need a distraction. I bet if you were able to let go and forget about what happened you would actually be able to swim quite well. You have to trust yourself.”

“I can’t swim. I haven’t done it since I was thirteen. Besides, I think it would be impossible to swim while hyperventilating which is exactly what would happen if I tried.”

“And that’s why you need to be distracted.”

He kissed her lips softly, unable to resist the temptation.

“I sometimes fill in as a lifeguard at the youth center. I’m certified in CPR and even competed on the swim team in high school. If you’d like, I could teach you. I’d never force you if you were afraid, but I could go to the lake with you or to the community pool and we could try some techniques out, see how close to the water you can get. The moment you feel a panic attack coming on, you tell me and we return to dry ground.”

“I couldn’t go to a pool. It’s incredibly embarrassing when I lose it. I’d be humiliated if I broke down in front of all those people.”

“What about in front of me?”

“No. Not in front of you. Besides the fact that you’ve already seen me lose it, I trust you, Colin. I know you’d never judge me or make fun of me. I also know that you’d never let anything harm me even if it meant getting yourself hurt in the process.”

To hear someone say those things about his character, actually about him, not about his vocational worth or intent, was incredibly moving. So many others saw him as a figure in a gown, although he had yet to earn that robe. The moment he announced his intentions of becoming a priest, people began treating him differently. From that moment he had always felt a little bit farther away, on the outside looking in. Even his family sometimes held him at arms' length as if he couldn’t possibly understand what everyday life involved.

Not Samantha, though. She made him feel as if he belonged. Had a place right by her side where he would always fit in. Until she left and he took his vows that was.

“What is it?” she asked curling up on her knees more.

“What?”

“Your expression just turned so sad.”

“Oh, I was just thinking.”

“About what?” She ran her fingertips lightly over his chest and he wondered if she was even aware that she was touching him.

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