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“Like I was kicked in the chest. My breasts ache, I have cramps, and I actually have to go to the loo.”
“Well, first you had a cesarean section. The abdominal pain is from that and post contractions as your uterus returns to normal. We've only been using the epidural to control your pain, we want you to be able to use your breast milk. Second, the lactation consultant is waiting her turn to help you ease some of the pain in your breasts. You have a catheter, so you won't be using the loo for a couple hours. You were also unconscious for almost two days, which can cause body pains. Finally, the chest pain is from me. Your heart stopped at one point, so I had to give you a shock. I knew if I didn't walk out of the OR with both of you, Josh wouldn't survive and Ian would never forgive me.”
“Josh? I've only heard Maya and Derek call him that.”
“It's us Americans giving people nicknames. You British are so proper.” She laughs.
“Jen, you never told me her heart stopped.” Joshua looks like he’s going to be sick, his hand tightens on mine.
“Only for a short period, she's fine. It was the stress on her body from the preeclampsia and seizures. We're lucky you were still in town when it started. You did bite your tongue slightly, it will be okay. You've been on a round of magnesium sulfate while unconscious to prevent further seizures. I would like you to stay here for at least three days to keep an eye on you. The possibility of postpartum seizures is slim, but I want to be cautious. Your neurologist and cardiologist will be in to see you at some point today.”
“Will I be able to have another baby?”
“Yes, if we can keep your blood pressure and stress under control you might not have future problems with preeclampsia. I would like to remove your catheter and kick down some of your epidural meds so we can get you up and walking. I'll have another doctor come in and remove your epidural in a couple hours, until then you will have to visit Isabella in a wheelchair. Some medications are not good for your breast milk, so we are trying to avoid putting you on any other pain or anti-seizure medications. If you're in pain let the nurses know, I don't want you trying to suffer through the pain, it could cause another seizure. After you meet with the lactation specialist, I'll have a nurse take you up to see Isabella. Isabella's doctor will meet you up there and discuss her progress.”
Dr. Parker conducts her exam. She checks my incision, then my chest, where I have two marks from the defibrillator. She checks other parts of my body, hands, feet, and finally my blood pressure. “Your blood pressure is almost normal.”
She leaves after her exam, saying the specialist will be in shortly. Joshua still looks as if he's in shock. I pull his hand that hasn't left mine to my lips. “What, honey?”
“I really did almost lose you. In my heart I know I couldn’t survive that, so please just stay with me. I need to tell you something, please don't panic… I'm totally and completely in love with you, and when your divorce is final, we are getting married. I want you bound to me just as much as Isabella is.” I look at him, and I know he can't and won't hurt me.
“I love you, too.” He stops and looks at me, then leans down to kiss my lips.
“Say it again.”
“I love you, Joshua, I always have.”
“Angel, I love you and Isabella with everything I am.” He kisses me again as someone knocks on the door.
In walks an older woman with a kind smile. “Hello, I'm Hazel. I'm the hospital's lactation specialist. I just met with Dr. Parker and Dr. MacWilliams, your daughter's neonatologist. Dr. MacWilliams wants one more day of your daughter on total parenteral nutrition, that's a nutritional supply through her veins. She already has a feeding tube inserted, so tomorrow we can start putting your breast milk through it. We’d like to see if she can nurse the following day.”
“That's good, right?” I ask her.
“That is very good. Both doctors and I discussed if we were going to have you pump and dump or not. According to your neurologist, the pain medicine you have been on is minimal because you have an epidural in place and your anti-seizure medication is safe in smaller doses. On that note, we’d like you to start pumping, we’ll freeze it to get ready for tomorrow.”
She proceeds to show me how to pump with the machine she brought in. Before she leaves, she states she gave Maya a list of supplies I'll need at home. Another nurse comes in to help me into a wheelchair. She's struggling to figure out how to maneuver me with all my cords and very little feeling in my legs.
“Stop, tell me where you want her and you hold all her cords and stuff.” Joshua steps up to the bed and picks me up. He places me carefully into the wheelchair. They get me arranged as Duncan steps in.
“Hey, sweet girl.” He kisses my cheek. “She's beautiful, she looks like you and Mum. She has such a grip.” He's beaming.
My little entourage goes up to the NICU. They don't make me change into scrubs like the others do, I just wash my hands, arms, and chest carefully. Maya steps out, allowing Joshua and I to enter. Isabella is in a little box bed the nurse calls an incubator, and another nurse walks up and takes over.
“Hello.”
“Hello,” I say absently, completely entranced by my daughter. There’s a gentleman standing back watching us.
“I'm Dr. MacWilliams, your lassie's doctor,” the man introduces himself. “She’s doing really well. Would you like to try some Kangaroo Care while I tell you about Isabella?”
“Yes, please,” I say as another nurse opens the incubator, moves her oxygen cannula that’s beside her, and carefully lifts her. The other nurse walks over to me to help open the front of my gown. I'm still covered, but the upper part of my chest is exposed. The first nurse lays Isabella against me and then covers us both with a blanket. As soon as our skins make contact a sense of peace overwhelms me. This feels right, and I calm. I'm complete in this moment. My eyes tear up, the man I love and my baby both are with me.
“Oh, Joshua, look at her.” He kneels beside us. His eyes are glassy.
“Okay, Ms. Preston and Mr. Donovan, your daughter needs very little oxygen, which is good. As you saw the cannula was only resting by her. She’s had some jaundice issues, but we're hoping after she starts on tube feedings tomorrow that will improve. We are keeping her in the incubator for one more day, then tomorrow we’ll move her to an open, warm bed. She'll be here for at least a week in the NICU. We need her to nurse, put on some weight, and be able to stay warm. If all goes well, she should be able to go home in about two weeks. She hasn't had any apnea events, that’s where she would stop breathing for a short period, but we will continue to monitor her. Her heart did stop with each of your seizure events, I’ve asked a doctor in London to consult on her case. I understand there are some security issues. Rest assured her name has not been mentioned. I'm also keeping a close eye on her for possible seizures and other side effects. Because of the eclampsia, she is a little delayed in her fetal development, but it appears to only be in her weight. I will continue to be her pediatrician when she discharges and will continue to monitor her for further delays. My hopes are that she will continue to thrive.”
“Was it really the day before yesterday that I collapsed?”
“Yes, Angel, you rested a whole two days as Jen said.”
