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“Same difference.”
“Not really.” But he doesn’t seem angry. He crosses his arms, looking out across the lawn. “Why’d you do it? For real, not the bullshit you fed Renzo about being in love.”
“But I told him the truth.”
He snorts and shakes his head. “Come on. You’re gonna stick to that story? Even after the shit that happened between you two?”
I clutch my car keys tightly, letting the sharp edge bite into my fingers. “You know why I left her back then.”
“I’m not sure that I do. You told me what happened, but not the details.”
I remember that night. It was early on in my stay in Vegas when I was still having some trouble adjusting. Saul flew out and found me drunk in a casino and had to drag me back to my apartment. I proceeded to spill my guts to him, telling him about my relationship with Allegra Rinaldo—he wasn’t happy about that—and how I ghosted her. The only explanation I gave was I didn’t want to fuck things up with the family, and he’d accepted it back then. Now he’s giving me a look like he doesn’t buy the story anymore.
“You remember how things were between the families. We had that fucking rivalry going on.”
“Right, that was before Renzo started calling the families into that stupid council shit.”
“Saved the city from war though. But, yeah, it’s dumb.”
Saul laughs and eyes me. “So that’s it then? You left her because the families hated each other? Doesn’t seem like you.”
“I left her because she loved her family too much to be with a guy they’d hate. We spent half our time together hiding our shit from her cousin. Can you imagine what would’ve happened if anyone had found out? It would’ve killed her.”
Saul runs a hand through his hair. “That’s it? You left because you were afraid you’d get caught?”
“I was afraid for her. I didn’t give a shit what you idiots would’ve said.”
“Great, thanks.”
“I mean it. Allegra loves her family, even though they don’t deserve it. I understood that if I stuck around, I would’ve been taking that away from her. So I did what I thought was right.”
“You ghosted her to save her relationship with her family. That’s… actually sort of fucking noble.”
“Fuck off.”
“No, really. The selfish thing would’ve been to stick around and keep on humping her.”
“Never sayhumpingin reference to my wife again.”
“You know what I mean. You’re a big fucking softie, Gian. I always knew it.”
“Like I said before. Fuck off.”
He laughs as I get into the car and pats the hood. I nod at him, start the engine, and pull out.
My mind’s on the old days as I drive back home. It had been the hardest decision of my life. Giving up everything I had with her was like ripping my own heart into pieces, but I could see how things were going. We had more and more close calls with her cousin, and eventually, we would’ve been caught. That meant fucking up everything for Allegra, and I couldn’t do it.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong choice. If I had stayed, maybe we could’ve worked something out. Maybe we could’ve helped heal the wounds between our families. Eventually, things did get better, even though it took all of Renzo’s political power and a lot of Dad’s legacy relationships to make it happen. Still—things got better.
All those years in the desert. If I had stayed, what would those years have been like? How many couches could I have sat on with Allegra? How many kisses did I miss? How much joy did I sacrifice? I’ve been wondering that for years now, and I know I’ll never have an answer, but all that potential haunts me. Even now that she’s my wife, I still wonder.
I park in the detached garage and head inside. Allegra’s in the living room curled up on Bertie, a glass of wine half-empty on Joshua. I watch her for a second, and when she tips her head up toward me, I can tell she’s been crying.
“What happened?” My world narrows in. Something bad happened and Allegra’s hurting—which means I have to help her. It’s like my own concerns evaporate in the face of a more important mission, and I weave through the excess couches, many of which still sport lovely little indentations of her ass, until I sit down beside her.
“Lunch sucked.”
“The food was that bad?”
