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“I have to go. Morgan will be here any minute to finally get the three items she’s been nagging me about.”
“You sure you want to do this? She’s good for you. Not many women can handle your lifestyle, and she’s stuck by you. When news breaks, this could be a mess to clean up.”
I let my head fall back toward the ceiling but withhold my groan. Craig needs to get on board with what I’m doing here. I’m tired of feeling like I’m talking to myself.
When I’m done with this repeated conversation, I have no doubt Morgan and I will be having the same talk, for the sixth time, about why I can no longer be in a relationship with her. It’s funny, really. When you’ve told someone your feelings for them aren’t what they should be, and they’re perfectly fine to continue in the relationship anyway, it’s a giant red flag if I’ve ever seen one. I want to punch myself in the face for not seeing it sooner.
I like Morgan. She’s genuinely a nice person, but I also think she became more attached to my name than me. I need this to be over today. No more lingering.
“Craig, Morgan and I are over. You need to understand this and everything else we’ve discussed. I’m done with it all. I’m not interested in feeding social media with anything other than what happens on the field. My private life is going back to being just that, private. I’m no longer lining the pockets of anyone or anything unless I believe in the cause and know where my money is being used.”
I hear Craig’s frustrated sigh. “Got it. I’ll review some charities and community events and get back to you.”
“Thanks.” I click the end button, hoping we’re finally on the same page. If not, I’ll have to find a new agent. I’m making changes, and Craig will either keep up or not.
I stretch out on my couch, enjoying the quiet breeze filtering through the open doors leading to my large screened-in porch. I spent days sitting on this couch, letting my bruised ribs and spirit heal, realizing I had everything I wanted and nothing I needed.
My house is massive and beautiful, filled with the finest of everything, yet it’s completely empty. I look around, thinking again about moving into something smaller, closer to the city and the training facility. I wonder if it would be another change that could get me back to a simpler life. A life where I wouldn’t be surrounded by all of the noise of the pretension and duplicity I let myself get caught up in.
It’s not who I am, but I might have given the world the wrong impression, or maybe I’m just afraid I have. No more. Off the field, I want to be someone who lives by authenticity. I’m hoping, bit by bit, I’ll find myself there again.
There’s a light knock on my front door, and after my chat with Craig, the thought of breaking up with Morgan again has my level of frustration inching higher. We’ve been broken up for a month now, and she still doesn’t seem to get it or won’t accept it.
I unlock and open the door.
“Hey!” She bounces right past me with that chipper voice that never changes, no matter her circumstances. There was a time when I found that attractive. Morgan is never in a bad mood, but recently, I realized that’s unnatural. Who isalwaysin a good mood?
Like right now, here to collect her remaining things, I’d really like to see her good and pissed, but nope, she’s peppy as usual.
“Hey.” I quickly close the door and step into her path to stop her from taking over my space. This needs to be quick and to the point. She needs to collect her things and figure out how to move on…on her own. “I gathered your things.” I gesture to the box on the long table in my entryway.
I see her pull back like she wasn’t expecting this.
“I didn’t realize you’d be in such a hurry.” She peers into the box, her long, dark ponytail hanging over her shoulder.
She uses her hand to poke around inside the shoebox that contains only a few of her personal items as if something might be missing. I know it’s all there. She only spent a few nights here every now and then.
Between my training schedule and her constant travel for photoshoots and modeling gigs, our time together was limited. In the off-season, I train out of state or spend time with my brothers. It should have been a sign that I didn’t miss her or wasn’t disappointed to come home and for her not to be here. The thought has me tugging at my shirt collar, which suddenly feels tight as I find I dislike who I let myself become even more.
She leans against the table, planting herself, then crossing her arms over her chest.Here we go. Round seven.
“So this is it, then?” Her puppy dog eyes appear, and I find I’m unaffected.
“Yes.”
She pulls in a breath and bites her bottom lip. “I don’t understand. I thought…I thought you cared about me. We’re great together. You said a million times how grateful you were that I could put up with your life. That I understood, and it made us a good fit.”
I hang my head. It’s all true. The fact I didn’t recognize all that was wrong is my fault. It wasn’t that I lied. I do care about her, but not the way a man should care about the woman in his life. The person who is supposed to be my best friend and the one who, when everything falls apart, I want and need to hold me up.
We don’t even know each other well enough to be any of those things. I didn’t spend the time getting to know her in those ways, and I have a feeling she didn’t care to.
These past months, I’ve spent a lot of time evaluating every part of my life. I’ve watched my brother fall in love, and I nowsee what a relationship should be, what I want it to be, and what Morgan and I are not.
I take a deep breath through my nose and let it out, readying myself to try to explain it again.
“Morgan, you and I were great together. We had some amazing times, but we weren’t what we should be. I’m not ok with that. You like my life, but I’m not sure that you really like me or at least the me I’m trying to be. We’ve been together for almost two years, and I’m not blaming you because I got sucked up in my own superficial existence. But I can’t live like that anymore, and I’m pretty sure the parts of me you like are gone.”
She tips her head to the side. “And now, suddenly, you just don’t want me to be a part of this new life you’re making for yourself?”
