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“Okay.”
I placed my hands on Rachel’s shoulders like she’d done with me before we left Footit’s. This was serious too. Luckily, the consignment shop was empty except for us and a disinterested middle-aged woman behind the counter.
“Martin wasn’t just physically abusive.”
Rachel’s eyes glistened, but I powered on. With him sending his guys around, she needed to know what he was capable of.
“He treated me like I was an animal. He humiliated me. He forced me to have sex with him.”
I swallowed hard after getting all that out, but the pressure in my chest eased. Now the two people I trusted most in the world knew.
“I suspected it was something like that.” She took my hand and squeezed it, both of us with tears in our eyes. “I’m so sorry, Addy.”
“When did you suspect?” I asked.
“When you didn’t come wedding-dress shopping with me.” She sighed. “I know you think you’re good at covering your emotions, but you’re not. Leaving him was brave, I hope you know. But I miss seeing your pretty eyes bright and full of hope and happiness like they used to be.”
I dropped my chin. “I’m content sometimes. With you and Claire living with me, especially.”
With Barry, I was more than content, but also scared because of how good he made me feel. I knew it couldn’t last.
“I think you’re detached from a big part of yourself,” she said, guessing accurately. “You bury your feelings and desires deep and pretend they don’t exist. You’re afraid you’ll get hurt if you bring that part of you to the surface again. So you settle with getting by instead.”
“How do you know all that?” I asked.
“That’s what I did with all the other guys until I met Daniel.”
“Because of what Mom’s drug dealer did.”
“I thought it was on me what happened.” She glanced away. “That I had done something to encourage him.”
“It’s on him, not you, that he was a creep,” I said gently. “But I understand all too well how an event like that can change you.”
She glanced back at me. “You’re afraid to trust your instincts with this guy.”
“Yeah, for sure. But he really is a good guy.”
“He would have to be for you to take a chance again after all this time.”
She put the low-cut blouse back on the rack and took both my hands.
“I’m sorry I’ve been giving you a hard time. I should be more supportive and encouraging. I just don’t want you to get hurt again. Not ever.” She wrinkled her nose. “And maybe I’m a little jealous and afraid.”
“In what way?” I asked.
“Jealous of the time you spend with him. Afraid that he might take you away from me. I’ve never really been alone, and I like having my big sister back in my life again.” Her voice lowered. “I don’t think I can make it without you.”
“You can,” I said firmly. “You’re stronger than you realize.”
“I don’t think so, but I’m trying.”
“That’s all any of us can do. Trying is the hardest part.” As I made the statement, I realized how true it was. “Staying detached and never trying to connect with anyone would be so much easier.”
“I agree, and I’m proud of you for trying.” Her tone brighter, she released my hands. “So, the question remains. Friend, hookup, or boyfriend, it’s your choice. What do you want from this guy?”
The detached part of me, the woman I’d once been, wanted everything. With his gentleness and care, Barry coaxed longings I never indulged anymore to the surface.
But those feelings couldn’t be indulged more than temporarily. The delivery guy was an unwelcome reminder, but a reminder all the same. Martin and the threat he represented to anyone I cared about would never go away.
